Discussion of "Chapter 4: Revelations of a Liar" by crystalfoo

Whew, really long, isn't it? Sorry for that. I guess I just couldn't find a better way to 'splain it. ;) I tried to catch as much grammatical errors and mistakes as possible, but I've been working on this for what...4 hours now? That's all I can give it. So, errors included, this is my take on it.

Excellent use of the little details from the previous chapters! Excellent story, too. I would suggest a rewrite to fix some weird grammar, some extra commas, and style oddities, and you have a Expository Lump when Robert tells the story of what really happened... you may find it works better when broken up.

Also, I didn't understand--Hiram LOCKLEY and Haskell Lockley were brothers, but Hiram's real last name is POLANSKI? Huh?

Yikes, yea-that was supposed to say 'brother to our founder...Haskell Polansky. uggh.
Thanks for the comments!

Beautifully written as always. But I think this piece suffered from your herculean effort to explain it all and tie everything together.
First, there's a huge block of exposition in the middle of the chapter that drags the pacing way, way down. I think you know the one. The prose was flawless, but it was what it was. A long, boring speech.
Second, I think it was unnecessarily cruel to both Maribel and the reader to let Robert dangle Danya's fate in Maribel's face until close to the end of the chapter. It didn't feel like an organic reveal.
Third, the POV change at the end is abrupt and takes away from the tone. I get why you did it - heck I did it myself last round, but 4/5 of the way through a story that's been consistently from Maribel's POV... it just felt jarring.
That being said, I did like how you painstakingly made connections to a number of elements in the earlier chapters, and it shows that you really thought this out.
Overall, a good job. (Damned with faint praise, because I know you can do so much better!)

It was terribly difficult to cut out the long, monologue-ish speech. I tried, but ultimately, after I'd chopped through it for my entire morning-I didn't have the heart to cut it. (and I KNEW I should've cut it-or condensed it). lol It wasn't until later that I had a light bulb moment when I realized how I might've done it differently. I was hopped up on coffee...can't you tell? ;) I didn't do much painstaking line-drawing, really. I just jotted down some names, notes and details and worked 'em in as they popped in my head. Hence the exposition. And p.s. I liked dangling the possiblity of Danya-I thought that might be the only way a woman in her situation would sit long enough to hear (and the reader to hear) the back story. Uggg, I'll give it a better shot next time.

I can see why you used the dangling Danya, and I think Ms. B. reacted honestly to the tease. Still wished you'd have found another plot device to keep Ms. B. planted in her seat. Superglue? :)

Really good job, Foo. You really tied up all the clues and some that I wouldn't have noticed...lol. Great development of Robert's character. I was surprised to read what you did to Maribel's though. I guess I'm opposed to her being a pawn and on the weak side, at this point. But, that's just me..it didn't detract from the storyline you wove. I had a very lengthy monologue in my first draft about quantum mechanics..lol. Two things eliminated it...first nash read it and suggested the ax and then, while trying to post the final, SM's 36000 character rule gave me another nudge toward the ax...lol.
Overall great writing, as always. I had to concentrate too much, though. 4 stars.

Deliberate, thorough description to open. Loved the detail, disliked the pacing. From last chapter’s hanger, it lost the buildup. New tension arose as I awaited Maribel’s and Robert’s confrontation, but I’m not sure how much of that was suspense and how much was get-to-it-already!

Walk. Turn around. Be quiet. I was told all of these things by my dead husband. Ooh. Just like a ten year spousal absence to require counseling. Heh.

Nice touch with the scar. Still wishing more happened already. Big running start, so to speak.

I understand Lockley sees Robert as authority, but he may as well have been another faceless CDC suit for his contribution. Would’ve liked some reaction, some humanity to Hiram. Spiteful obedience? Sycophant loyalty? Insider’s sneer? Something. Dispatching of him was an afterthought; as Mayor of the city (and with his historical ramifications), I think he deserved more. Then again, he’s not dead yet.

Enjoyed Rob’s recruitment schpiel. “Useful.”

Liked the bringback of Project Scarecrow. Brilliant connection with the crop dusting. Fantastic job justifying the busload of zombie kids too. Didn’t feel like they were retreads; rather, you helped clarify matters (in ways I’d not thought of when I wrote ‘em). Incorporating Pete’s involvement, the [now explained as sick] Jake and Amy... Genius.

Didn’t like his teasing reply to her inquiry about Danya. Unnecessarily distracting, and pissed me off. Let him provide the exposition (easy to swallow, but chunky nonetheless), and save Danya’s resolution until later. I get the why, but it felt more like a tease than anything.

Would’ve preferred a way to somehow demonstrate a scene to provide much of the exposition, for that matter. Dunno how, and the character limit had to be close, so... Smaller pieces.

My main concern is the pacing. It read smoothly and quickly, so it’s not so much a complaint, but it appeared bulky. The bricks turned out to be individually crafted and painted.

Curious how the files Maribel has accumulated have anything to do with Repensil. Should make for a fun question to answer in #5. Good exit and setup. Phase Ten will never be a card game again.

(4)

Thanks. Looking back, I needed more show, less tell. At least for Roberts monologue. And apparently no one likes that he held Danya over her head the whole time...kinda funny. Actually the very last line (right before I published it) said 'prep Danya for phase ten...' I wanted Maribel to think she'd been somewhat responsible for killing her, holding on to the files etc...and I thought it would be neat to bring her back,in the end. Ah well. Thanks for taking the time to give a thorough comment!

That would have been an awesome twist!

Here are the notes I took as I read your entry:
I absolutely love your voice in this piece. The sentence starting with “After a series of codes” was just fabulous, as was the description of guards who look like CDC employees rather than rent-a-cops. Ditto on “Whatever glue that held me together…” Your word choices and descriptions are straight up wonderful.
There are a lot of unnecessary commas in the piece. For instance, in the second sentence, the comma after ‘The dome that I had noted on our approach’ should not be there.
Some awkward sentences, like “I had the distinct impression that Robert represented to Lockley, authority.”
The two sentences about opening the door to the warehouse and going in, where you broke up the sentences with her thoughts, were a bit awkward to read. I like the general idea of her thoughts about the events interrupting things, but the way it was formatted didn’t flow very smoothly.
Robert is one ice-cold punk. Well done making a clear portrayal of that through his words and actions!
I love the idea that she hasn’t been working for the FBI at all, but for Robert’s company. I was, however, less than satisfied with his excuse for not explaining why he decided to keep her in the dark about everything. I don’t feel that Maribel is the type of woman to sit quietly after being told that he’s not going to tell her the reasons because she wouldn’t understand them.
I had gotten the impression in the previous chapter that she was the secretary of the group because the FBI had planted her there as a mole. It’s implied by the line “…word spread that I was in cahoots with the government. If they only knew.” However, it’s never stated outright, so I see where you were coming from.
The Repensil idea is great, especially with all the political pressures around it. Your ideas in general with this chapter are really fun. There are a few gaps, though: How does Jake play into all of this? Who threatened her life, and how did Jake get wind of it? If I understand this correctly, Lockley is really related to the creator of Repensil and has been hiding the formula from Robert and his coworkers, which is why they’ve been sending Maribel from town to town, to try to find that hidden formula. So Lockley stopped her from getting on the bus to keep her from taking the formula to Robert – but then he drove her straight to Robert? Or, if Lockley was working for Robert, and the bus was going to take her to Robert anyway, why did he have to step in at all? Overall, it was very fun to read and an interesting idea.
I give it a 4.0.

Whew! As far as proofreading, this isn’t as carefully written as your chapters normally are. Beyond that, it’s engaging and well thought out. You gave Maribel a similar reaction to finding Robert that some others did. Letting her training slip, etc. But you put the psychology behind it to make it believable to me as a reader. Love Repensil, love the connection to Iowa, and how you dealt with the busload of kids. Cancer doesn’t explain their flickering, but I like the explanation too much to let that bother me. The pacing was a little slow and the exposition, though really well done, just seemed like too much. Mostly I really enjoyed what you did with Maribel, renewing her guilt and her pain, giving her whole new reasons to fight, even though we don’t yet know what her fight will be. Very nice, Foo!

It felt really odd to skip over her reunion with her husband. It made the opening couple paragraphs really hard to buy.

There is some really intense emotion running beneath the descriptions. I really liked the lines “…those were not his eyes…” and “…walking through waist-high Jell-O…” Also “Blood pumped feverishly from my heart into my throat, swelling the tissue and burning whatever words I may have spoken, incinerating them into soundless, formless hiccups of hot air…” You’ve definitely got a way with words!

“I continued to walk… I was told to walk…” It felt a little redundant, though I saw what you were doing with it. I could also see what you were trying to do with the thoughts interjected into the movement into the facility, though I’m not sure you accomplished it as well as you could have.

Robert seemed too cold – it drove me nuts the way he put off explaining about Danya. And just how cavalier he seemed about the whole bit.

The background of Repensil was fascinating. What I had a hard time with was the file in her suitcase that has codes and compounds she got from Lockley’s office. From what I gathered in the previous chapters, the file contained names. How’d she get in his office, anyway?

Another big issue I had was her confidence in Pete – it seemed that she revealed too much for a trained agent.

And the change in POV at the end was a little too jarring.

But I do love the irony that Danya died while she was sitting on the file that could have saved her life. Now that is a gut wrenching twist! Very nicely done!