Discussion of "The unknown: The stowaway" by chloe

Punctuation needs a little work, and the dialogue was a little off (everybody starting their sentences with "Why"). And hadn't the children vanished off the street in part 2?

hahah- I hadn't noticed using "why" a lot!

Heh, it happens.

Savarager is referring to:
"I glanced back over at the other side of the street to find it empty. A cold shudder passed through my body. Had I been seeing things?"
I caught this at the last minute before I submitted my chapter. I thought it was kind of open-ended though and they had just gone into hiding because Ms. B. is a trained agent with her wits about her at all times. It's part of her training, so she couldn't just be "seeing things", but that's just my opinion.

Overall, not bad. I liked the overall carefree feel to your version (that third-degree burn thing cracked me up!). The humor didn't devalue the feeling of suspense. Just enough, I thought.

I did wonder how Jake managed to sneak on the bus. In one paragraph the bus stops; in the immediate next paragraph Ms. B. gets on. There should have been some time passing here where they were all distracted (more conflict?) so that Jake's stowaway would seem more realistic.

Nice job.

Thanks Sword- you're right about the time the bus stopped- i tried to make sure I wrote that both doors opened so he could realistically sneak in the back and put in some awkward dialogue as she waved good bye- but I probably should have extended it out- some kind of distraction would have been perfect. For some reason I thought the kids were still there- (slap self on forehead)to be honest I think I read so many chapter 2 entries I think I mixed some up even with taking notes- I did think it was kind of open ended too though with Mrs B. seeing things, then not and people disappearring and reappearing. Thanks for your comments- insightful and helpful!Wish I had put a draft up! (LOL)
Chloe

Ah - I saw the disappearance of the children as something more supernatural in nature (a la "Children of the Damned" or something Stephen King-ish).

Me too! I tried to suggest later that there was something supernatural with the question of whether the town was real or not- don't know if it read right- sort of twighlight zone! I think I'm the only person on earth who's never seen/ read Children of the Corn. Must rent! (lol)

Wow i had everything I wanted to say (children vanished in part 2, how did Jake get on the bus, kind of an odd dialogue), but every already said everything! lol Despite my hang-ups, I thought the premise was very good - I like how the Mayor made up the food drive thing to stave off suspicion, but I don't think he should have stammered so much - he was portrayed as a more confident man in part 2 and all of a sudden he was babbling? Again, I liked it, but it could have been....cleaner. Good effort!

A wierd twist I would not have thought to take the story. I personally didn't know how to handle the disappearing children, so I kinda ignored it, leaving it like a permonition or visions, but this is good. Good Luck.

I think a lot of people (like WBScott) got a bit stuck with the vanishing children and thus just ignored them...and so I really like the way you came up with a way to explain them at the end...good twist and helped to continue the story well. I agree a bit with some of the previous comments on dialogue but overall I think you chapter does the best job so far at continuing all elements of the story...good work.

Thanks guys!- I didn't mean for the mayor to come off so bumbling (oops) The story so far read kind of supernatural to me so I tried to make the children's appearance seem sort of otherworldly- spoooooky! I'll try to polish up my dialogue for next time- good advice, many thanks!
Chloe

Your usual excellent writing chloe...;o). I have to disagree with Eternal_Flame, though, "the best job so far at continuing all elements of the story..,". Several things distracted me from the story.
Ms B, not Mrs. B (I got dinged on that last round...lol)
Ms B left her house with one suitcase. She was walking half a mile. Toting (bags) and a briefcase seems unlikely, especially as she was in a hurry and literally running for her life.
In Agg's chapter the children had vanished by the time Mayor Lockley appeared.
Sorry, but the pretense of keeping her in town because of a food drive that she hadn't signed up for is well...pretty lame.
Mayor Lockley came out of Agg's chapter as fairly menacing, not the stuttering, weak character you have.
I did like the Phoenixville / Phillipsville piece and the agents that came to the rescue. Ever transparent in voting: 3 stars.

Thanks writer-
I completely missed the Ms. vs Mrs. B (yikes) You're right about the details- sometimes I miss out on the practical aspects of the story - the character carrying too many bags etc. I put the food drive in to sort of juxtapose a stereotype of wholesome Americana with something sinister but it may not have translated that way to everyone. Thanks for your honest feedback- well thought and much appreciated!
Chloe

chloe- terrific chapter. I really like how you handled the situation at the bus stop…very creative. The second part of your chapter I was glued to the screen. Captivating. Really terrific angle you created. Nice work!

Many Thanks Dogdeity, glad to have your feedback! This one tricked me up a bit- Haven't seen your name here for a while! Cheers!
Chloe

What can I say that hasn't already been said. Punctuation - sure needs a little work, Jake on the bus - okay you explained that well, supernatural direction - yes, yes, if you needed to go that route you handled it admirably. The tone of the piece stayed creepy, especially with Amy's handwritten plea at the end.
I'm between 4 and 4.5 on this so I'm rounding up. Overall, a great read! 4.5

I like the flashback to Chomsky’s advice – so far the only impression I’d had of him was that of a partying drunkard, so I liked being reminded that he had a good side.

The food drive was a great twist. My only concern is that she looks back at the “eerily silent throng of children”, with no surprise that they had re-appeared after disappearing at the end of chapter two. However, it sure was a great line! That whole scene was so creepy – I really liked the feel of it.

Another issue – she’s Ms., not Mrs.

I love the idea of Jake stowing away on the bus, but not quite sure I believe that the bus driver didn’t notice his boarding. I assume the driver is an agent, too? I do see where you wrote that the center doors opened – maybe the driver could have pulled him out of the stairwell instead of from behind Ms. B’s seat?

The scene with all the agents was excellent – gave us a little breath before hitting us with the next twist that she’s been living in a “ghost” town for the past year. And with the vanishing Jake, and Amy’s criptic message - I can’t wait to see where this is going!

I rate it 4.5.

Many Thanks guys- You're right about Jake on the bus being a little iffy- love the idea about him being pulled from the stairwell instead- that would have worked better! Glad you got the "ghost" town idea (lol)not many people mentioned picking up on that. Chapter one and two were such fun I thought I'd have a go!
Chloe
p.s. Wolfram- thanks for rounding up! :)

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
In the previous chapter, the children had disappeared last Ms. B had looked that direction, so there should be some surprise at their reappearance here.
There were several punctuation problems throughout the piece.
Lockley’s smile ‘like a host on a toddler’s television show’ was FABULOUS. Great description! However, his stuttered line after she signed up was a surprise. He was very cocky and self-assured through the previous chapter and this one up to that point, without any real event or statement that would’ve put him on shaky ground. The description of Ms. B rocking Jake, and how it stirred up old memories for her, was excellent.
The charity sign-up was bizarre. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, as it brings an even more surreal touch to the scene, but it doesn’t quite mesh with the story so far. The bus driver stopping and marching toward her was a great touch, and then it turning out that he’d spotted Jake hiding in the back was brilliant. I loved the line about third degree burns. The Phoenixville/Phillipsville switch was great – you brought the creepy element back into the story with that.
I give it a 3.5.

The beginning seemed halted, almost slow to start.

Watch your grammar--in particularly:
It should be
"When you cry," I said, "I cry."
not
"When you cry" I said "I cry."

It's Ms. B, not Mrs. B. Consistency is important, especially in this type of contest.

I was confused as to why the mayor used the food drive as a cover-up--it just seemed a little off to me.

"They stood like the ghostly images of children in the midst of grainy war torn news footage instead of wholesome do-gooders in middle America."--nice! Great writing here.

I also liked your writing in the "I unbuttoned my coat" paragraph.

You used too many ellipses (...), especially in Jake's dialogue. These are distracting.

On the sixth page of my print out, there's a random phrase inserted in the paragraph that begins with "One minute per mug." That phrase is "two tops"--did I miss something? Two tops for what? Is this slang?

I like the concept in this chapter. It's interesting, and I'd like to see where it goes.

Good job!

Arrggg! By far the most frustrating chapter yet. And I mean that in a good way:) I love the almost underlying suspense you’ve created. It isn’t obviously tense, it’s just kind of strange. Ms. B is safe, but something still feels off. The impression is clear that she shouldn’t have left, but why? Then Jake just appears and disappears... Are we talking ghost towns and parallel dimensions here? Inquiring minds want to know! I loved the bit about getting 3rd degree burns from the cocoa, it cemented Ms. B’s character and showed why she’s so well suited for her work. The safe house, the other agents, everything seemed very believable. I only had one issue really. That being I thought the children had vanished at the end of Ch.2, but the overall supernatural direction of this chapter makes it work. Ms. B doesn’t react at all to their reappearance, which is where the issue lies. Very nicely done though.