Discussion of "Redemption" by chloe

This started REALLY good. I liked the reasoning for Jimmy's hatred toward Adara. Not Too sure if you were trying to say that Methra was Adara's mother - the Ann in there threw me off. And maybe I totally mis-interpretted it. I had a hard time swallowing the end - Jimmy seemed so powerful mentally, why wouldn't he have looked in her head? It just felt really anti-climatic. Good idea, just needs more polishing. This being said, I am really hoping that you make it in before the deadline! You've got a really good idea - best of luck!

ps- yes that's what i meant about Methra- She just seemed really motherly to me- and always watching over her- glad you picked up on it! :)

Thanks- actually I had most of it done and realized UTC time meant 800- I had meant to publish it but just realized I hit save as a draft- Damn!

So, is this a final entry? I am a little lost. I can't really fathom that a boyhood crush on Adara would spawn murders from Jimmy. I also don't see why Adara was going to that particular hotel and how Jimmy happened to be there, too. And how did Franco and Methra know to go there and get the police there? What did they tell them? Lots of holes. I think this was unfinished, but even finished, would not have been the wrap up we were all looking for.

I liked the way you connected Jimmy and Adara, and gave Jimmy a background. I thought the ending was a little rushed, especially with Jimmy reversing course and killing himself once he realized that Adara didn't have a good-looking frat boy for a prom date, and it was all a misunderstanding. But I think we all had to rush our endings somewhat, so I can't be too critical. :) Certainly a different direction than anyone else took. Nice job.

I second Wolfram's comments - it was great to see their past, and especially wonderful that his silence came from embarrassment over a stutter! I think the rest of what I might comment has already been covered here. Regardless, I enjoyed reading it. Good job and good luck!

Jimmy Silent stutters-awesome! I enjoyed the back story of how Jimmy and Adara met. Having Jimmy stutter was pretty clever, but he didn’t stutter in the end, which I thought would have been important for continuity. I liked how you wrote Jimmy’s jail break… no wild shoot outs, just Jimmy being clever and taking advantage of his “gift”. However, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering why, if it was so easy, Jimmy had stayed in jail at all. Also, I didn’t buy that Jimmy couldn’t tell Adara was lying in the end. The race for the old ghost town and the classically tragic setting in the end led me to want a bigger fight than you delivered. Overall though, I thought this was well written and brought great closure to some major issues.

Thanks Wolfram, Aggeloi, Honeygloom- The ending was "literally" rushed as i planned to finish my draft that evening (crazy work = limited writing time) I logged on and realized utc time meant I had virtually four minutes- not several hours(smack self on forehead) so i thought I'd enter what I had at least for some feedback on the first part rather than throw it all away. I had something much meatier planned for the finale although I did want him to jump - I read that a lot of criminal or evil minds evolve from provocations most of us would get over- (a prof told me for Hitler it was rejection from art school)I wanted to play up the irony of that idea- that everything we say and do has a ripple effect somewhere. Thanks for Reading and commenting!

I like the idea of giving Jimmy a reason for his rage, but I just didn't buy that he would become that evil from an unrequited childhood love. Maybe if Adara turned on him, too, or if her date did, etc. It didn't feel quite believable that he would turn that quickly. I also felt surprised that everything would end so easily once he found Adara to still be kind. It was like this huge conflict got resolved too simply and we are left wanting more...

Hey Holly, I tried to have Jimmy's rage stem from a variety of factors, his speech impediment, abusive father, abandonment by his mother and the last straw being seeming rejection by Adara. I probably should have elaborated on the other elements more because they seem overshadowed by his disappointment over Adara- thanks for reading- comments were really helpful for next time!

Great beginning. It hooked me right in.

Take a few extra minutes to focus on proofreading and your grammar.

I loved the flashback to Jimmy's childhood. This gave us some much-needed perspective.

I have to say that Jimmy's reaction to seeing Adara go to prom was over the top, even for Jimmy. I would have liked it a little more toned-down.

I LOVE the way that Jimmy escaped. Kudos!

The ending seems very rushed and abrupt. It seemed to me like you were taking the easy way out. Other than that, though, there were many parts of your chapter that I absolutely loved. Good job!

Thanks Katrina,
This was a tough one and I struggled trying to wrap things up- I did want to humanize Jimmy and give some explanation for his thought process- You're exactly right, I did rush the ending as I screwed up the deadline (my own idiocy- lol) Thanks for your comments they are always really constructive! Can't wait for the next project!
Chloe

I actually just saw your comments about the crazy rush at the deadline--too bad! I would have loved to see what you were planning to unravel.

I'm glad that you get something out of my comments--sometimes I worry that they come across as too harsh, but I would want suggestions on my own writing, so I just go with it.

Happy writing!