Discussion of "The sand tiger" by chloe

Was trying to go scary. this is a draft, any comments would be helpful! Thanks!

Hi Chloe! I think this has a lot of potential, it’s hard to follow though. In the beginning you were using asterisks to separate the different scenes, but stopped later on. It could just be the formatting on the site, that gets us all on occasion, but if not, the scene indications are something you should definitely be consistent with. Also, I wasn’t really scared, sorry, but I think it’s because Taylor was never really hunted. We don’t see Lirs watching her and she never really feels threatened up until the very end. I think making Taylor more afraid and letting the reader in on her fear would help. Or, you have the shark in the tank, you can use it in other ways to create tension than just having it chew on Lirs. You can always liken Lirs hunting Taylor to a shark hunting. I googled Sand Tigers and they actually gulp air and hold it in their stomachs so they can hover in the water and wait for prey. How freaky is that image? Show the shark’s behavior then show Lirs hanging around watching Taylor, that would give me chills:) Anyways, good start, I love how creative you were with Lirs and the Sea Witch. I can’t wait to see what you do with this!

Thanks Honeygloom, Great suggestions!- I meant to keep it as a draft- I love the idea of mirroring Lirs' "hunting" with that of the shark!- and make him sort of the creepy lurking guy from the very beginning to build tension! Sand Tigers seemed a really interesting subject so maybe I should give the shark more of a starring role. I also wanted to stress sort of the wild/captive angle. I wasn't sure if the sea witch was too hokey, but apparantly they are pretty plentiful and their lore goes way back. Many Thanks the "edit" wheels are already turning!(lol)
Chloe

Had me hanging on to every word…
Seemed to become a bit disconnected once Lir was introduced with shifting locations. The transitions need some sort of visual clue, either with a font change or with ***
Needs to be cleaned up a smidge to make it flow smoother. The open ending was both frustrating and enticing.

Ooh forgot about this one. maybe I'll revisit and revise. many thanks for your suggestions!- I like the font change idea especially to differentiate setting
Chloe