Discussion of "the long road" by chloe

Nice job, but fyi, women who party in southern Ohio don't wear a cocktail dress.

hahaha...sorry I'm a Pennsylvanian and I figured that Ohio was similiar enough- somehow I pictured her very glam coming from some big celebration... but you're right I should have thought of the place more.

Hi Chloe,
You have the bones of a good story here. Some intriguing aspects of this make me wonder what happens next, for sure.

There are some obvious things that I'll address, briefly. I'd be happy to be a bit more in depth, if you want, but I don't want to discourage you. I think you have some good potential!

1) I've run out of gas, doing about 70mph on the loop around Lubbock Texas to be precise. The car didn't make a "low gutteral gasp". It pretty much just stopped running, the steering seized up (no power) and it braked like an SOB. "Drifting off" wasn't the sensation I had at the time. Maybe some other folks would have a different experience?

2) Tell us Dave's name in the first paragraph. I was thinking "He who?" because I didn't read the prior chapter first...

3) There are some typing and readability issues. No biggie, just noticeable.

4) I was confused by the part where he is outside the car and then she "appear" out of the darkness...had he wandered a significant distance away? Was there a dense fog complicating the darkness?

Again, I am indeed intrigued. And that's a great place to start.

Thanks Ericswyatt,
As you probably guessed I'm not a writer but I do love creating stories and your feedback was spot on.
1)It's been a while since I ran out of gas so I may have mixed up the experience with some other car fiasco that had left me on the side of the road...oops
2) I probably should have introduced Dave's name, even for those who read the last chapter as it would have reinforced the identities.
3) my typing is wretched and I struggled with some of the placements of new paragraphs. This is my first attempt on storymash- so hopefully practice will make...better.
4) I guess I meant that she appeared from the passenger side of his car. I pictured him maybe in the middle of the road but I should have clarified it as I could see it being confusing. I think I need to work on more of the physical details but I always feel too wordy when I describe too much and am afraid of boring a reader. I guess finding a good balance is key.
I hope someone picks up the next chapter- it would be fun to see where someone else would go with it. Thanks again for your constructive feedback- I think this website is such an original idea. I'll definately take another stab at it.

I wouldn't have guessed that you aren't a writer, just that you aren't yet an experienced writer. Nothing here that couldn't be overcome and improved with time and practice, as you said.

Keep writing!

Thanks for your support. It's nice to get constructive feedback. I've got some other ideas cooking - I published another and realize i made a few boo- boos too... even after rewriting it ad nauseum.

chloe
write more please. I am dying to know what happens next.

Thanks so much- i'd love to see what someone else does with from here!