All Comments by chloe

Beautifully written! - strange how the human psyche is always somewhat drawn to the familiar from our earliest years- good or bad- I think it works as a compelling opening chapter but could stand as it is as a completed piece.

Of course! what was i thinking! hahah

Hahaha- but whatever would they do without their $1400 waste baskets?

How about a unique version of a fairy tale either modern day or alternative ending/ viewpoint? or has that been done too much?

Did you ever read those childhood books- one called "Ben and me" was a bio of ben Franklin through the eyes of a mouse that lived in his house- i think there was a Paul revere bio by his horse? clever with lots of kid appeal

oooh can I have one, please please! I need a little inspiration.

Oooh this opens a wealth of possibilities!- beautifully written with great visuals- painted a vivid picture!

A standing ovation! What a riot- loved the descriptions of Red as "technicolor savior" the nudie cushions, the defunct fog machine! The theater verite' improv for the script (I think I took that same film class!) was classic- I loved the way you had Steve thinking on his feet and gradually winning over the actors and leaving a hanger at the end! Sorry this is late I haven't logged in in a while (2009 is not off to a very good start unfortunately) but can't wait to see where this leads!

Many Thanks guys- You're right about Jake on the bus being a little iffy- love the idea about him being pulled from the stairwell instead- that would have worked better! Glad you got the "ghost" town idea (lol)not many people mentioned picking up on that. Chapter one and two were such fun I thought I'd have a go!
Chloe
p.s. Wolfram- thanks for rounding up! :)

Many Thanks for your feedback and vote Huntsfamouswolf! (at the risk of appearing an idiot-what's broughsy? -lol)

Will have to check out Lulu- would it be a collection of short stories or one story as a mash? intriguing- how's the painting going by the way (hint, hint)
Chloe

Amazing in every way! Government conspiracy, husbands back from the dead! The winner in my book 5!
Chloe

Thanks writer-
I completely missed the Ms. vs Mrs. B (yikes) You're right about the details- sometimes I miss out on the practical aspects of the story - the character carrying too many bags etc. I put the food drive in to sort of juxtapose a stereotype of wholesome Americana with something sinister but it may not have translated that way to everyone. Thanks for your honest feedback- well thought and much appreciated!
Chloe

Many Thanks Dogdeity, glad to have your feedback! This one tricked me up a bit- Haven't seen your name here for a while! Cheers!
Chloe

Thanks guys!- I didn't mean for the mayor to come off so bumbling (oops) The story so far read kind of supernatural to me so I tried to make the children's appearance seem sort of otherworldly- spoooooky! I'll try to polish up my dialogue for next time- good advice, many thanks!
Chloe

Ooh-ooh, I forgot to add David Sedaris- Love Him! I only made it to book two of Harry Potter also, although loved the premise and the fact that it made reading "cool" again! Never read a King- although liked the movie Misery. I wouldn't be embarrassed by not loving pop fiction - popular doesn't always mean "great literature." You obviously have a taste for the classics and there is a reason they have stood the "test of time"
Chloe

Great imagery! I could really sense the frustration, ennui and frantic soul searching of the character. You fleshed out the character so well in just one paragraph. One question- the brick, straw house etc-maybe I was channeling my inner child but it immediately brought to mind the three little pigs! Don't know if that was your intention- guess it could be a good metaphor though- everyone's got a big bad wolf at their door (lol)
Thanks for a good read!
Chloe

Wow! Spare, engaging- thought provoking! Nash, you never disappoint!
Chloe

OOh! I bet the photos were amazing! I love going to weddings in really creative unusual spots! Thank God for folding chairs!

Ooooh! I see now! :)

Me too! I tried to suggest later that there was something supernatural with the question of whether the town was real or not- don't know if it read right- sort of twighlight zone! I think I'm the only person on earth who's never seen/ read Children of the Corn. Must rent! (lol)

Hope this isn't a self portrait?

Wow this was really suspensful! Irene Thomason- what a fabulous hanger! The only hiccup for me was why she would hang up on Wilkes when something was obviously amiss but that's just how I read it. I think this is a really strong entry- kudos!
Chloe

Haha- typing isn't my forte' either! A secret garden Wedding! Fantastic! (It's not in Pa. is it? I'm helping my sister in law plan hers!) I've seen several different versions of the Secret garden Movie also- a recent one on BBC (I think) was wonderful!
Chloe

Just to let you guys know, it's funny, I was planning on putting Pete in too in my first take but changed it last minute(lol)He seemed to be introduced for some reason so its reasonable that he would play a bigger part later on.
Chloe

hahah- I hadn't noticed using "why" a lot!

Thanks Sword- you're right about the time the bus stopped- i tried to make sure I wrote that both doors opened so he could realistically sneak in the back and put in some awkward dialogue as she waved good bye- but I probably should have extended it out- some kind of distraction would have been perfect. For some reason I thought the kids were still there- (slap self on forehead)to be honest I think I read so many chapter 2 entries I think I mixed some up even with taking notes- I did think it was kind of open ended too though with Mrs B. seeing things, then not and people disappearring and reappearing. Thanks for your comments- insightful and helpful!Wish I had put a draft up! (LOL)
Chloe

Hi Sleepyspaghetti (great name!) You've probably figured this out but it's easier to write/edit your chapter in word format- or whatever you have on your pc- and then cut and paste it into the write the next chapter box- i wrote my first few entries using that little white box and got a migraine (lol) until someone clued me in.oops! Happy Writing!
Chloe

OOh! What a great concept- artificial intelligence- artificial emotion? Brilliant!
Chloe

Hi guys!
How fun! My favorites - Jane Austen- such sublimely hilarious studies of human nature- Shakespeare ( I know-everyone says that-) when I can understand him- he wrote love like no one else- also Dan Brown,E.M. Forster, Agatha Christie, I like murder mysteries but not gore- sort of English country house murders- (more about mystery and motive than blood loss) historical fiction, art history, ancient history/ archaeology and some budding genuises on SM. I also admittedly revisit childhood's classics- Little Women, the Secret garden, Narnia...to see them in a new perspective. Dr Suess is genius and I get my Dr. Suess quote of the day on my log in screen! Wow it seems I'm sort of stuck in the past. Will have to check out this Ted dekker fellow! Happy writing and Reading!
Chloe

Thanks Nashville, hahahah- pizzazz (spaz? jazz? I'm stumped too!) So glad you liked it - I was worried you would find it too over the top- but I had to do something with that "day i lost my sanity" comment. Can't wait to read on! Might steal that "delusions of medoicrity" for future use! (lol)
Chloe

Sorry just realized you commented on this. I tried to show how the robbers switched identities with the three hostages (ordinary bank customers) and blended seemlessly into the crowd. Sorry if it didn't read right! :)
Chloe

ooh! really well done! great tension with the cell conversation and mayor-I was nervous for Mrs. B! Pete was a nice touch too- I was hoping he would reappear!
Chloe

Many Thanks Honeygloom! :)

p.s. i voted you a 4+ but it seems it's not adding right-?

Hi welcome aboard - it's loads of fun! I'll check out your work! Cheers!
Chloe

Wow this is really good- maybe i shouldn't have started mine (lol) The mayor is wonderfully sinister and you leave an open ended but menacing hanger for the next group- I would have liked to read more!
Chloe

Fabulous chapter! Congrats! but what a tough act to follow! (lol)
Chloe

Hi guys, sorry I had held up the project a bit- I was wondering if I was supposed to do something computerwise so it registers that my chapter's finished in the project line up?- it just says Chloe by chapter 5- or do the computer gods do that? Fun to be back! Can't wait to read Wolframs addition and am mighty releived my part's over- phew! Felt a little out of my league at times! Cheers!
Chloe

An amazing painting- reminds me of japanese kabuki theater masks- those things always scared me- strange- it's sort of what I pictured when I read your chapter- it would make a great book cover when this story hits the best seller list (lol)Do you want to take a stab at the next chapter?
Chloe p.s. also loved the puss in boots!- I'm a cat person and he's a personal favorite

Hi- just revisited "The Painting" and realized you had already left a comment there(slaps self on forehead- it's been a long day)loved you're artwork!
Chloe

Hi scid-fi! Haven't seen you around! Will have to go back and reread the previous chapters to this but this looked like a great finale- and the poem- so eerie!and the religious metaphors! If you have time - would love to see someone finish "The Painting" story you started!
Cheers!
Chloe

Somehow the idea of slipping a judge a fiver to reconsider one's contest entry doesn't sit right with me. Not that there is anything unethical in it per say, it just seems out of keeping with the spirit of the site. It appears emotions are running pretty high regarding this issue; if someone pays and is accepted- or wins- some will cry "bribery" or if they're not accepted they'll be complaints of a money scam. Hopefully good writing (whosever it may be) will speak for itself and the cream will rise to the top despite the efforts of a few malcontents. I thoroughly enjoy this site and hope it remains a fun and positive environment.
Chloe

Thanks Guys! Nash kicked off such a fun premise- who's up next?
Chloe

Had a really eerie quality- not giving the reader too much information but leaving them wanting to know more! Tension was well written and great sense of impending doom (sorry for cliche')
Chloe

That's a really good idea! That way the authors would be completely anonymous and the chapters would be voted on by merit alone (hopefully)

Bienvenu or bienvenue(?)! Chloe

oops typos!

You painted this world so vivdly- with a fairy tale feel without the sentimentality.The rabbit "character" was captivating. would love to see wear it goes!
Cheers!
Chloe

Thanks! That one always tricked me up! the grammar part not the party girl part....lol
Chloe

I really liked the character's musings about her name and the fine china comparision- great! Some of the sentences later seemed a bit choppy to me-and I'd like to see maybe more build up to the comment about the gun because the last sentence was a great hanger! This is a story a lot of different writers could pick up on and run with. Can't wait to see where it goes! Cheers!
Chloe

This is very sweet. It's personal but I think anyone can relate to it. I can see your family asking for copies!
Chloe

Hi, I've been away so obviously missed some drama- Kudos for you Persephone for addressing this!I do have a few concerns though- I was randomly reading some stories and comments- Of course I forget the title/author but it was a sort of social-political piece referencing but not naming Obama and race- and you commented to the author that SM was not a place to voice political concerns and that he should get a blog- also it didn't pertain to the contest(?)- (which I don't believe he was entering)- I'm paraphrasing of course- but didn't know why you (or anyone) would try to muzzle or attack someone for writing something timely and important to them- that little white box is for writers to express themselves- whatever that means to them- I did't think there are too many guidelines as to content on this site- aside from general "public decency." I think you're critiques are not as much the issue as is your delivery - I personally have a lot more respect and give more credence to someone who expresses their comments in a constructive and respectful way- as opposed to someone's angry condescending ramblings (this is not to you specifically- just in general)- as I've been on the receiving end of both. Lastly, unless going to publication, I personally don't bother commenting on a lot of minutae (typos, minor grammar slip-ups)- probably because my work is littered with them- but those are all things that are easily remedied and edited later- I just feel the ideas and tone and quality of the word usage is the focus here. I think a lot of writers look up to you as someone with talent and experience and might be super sensitive to your comments. Would personnaly hate to see you go!
Chloe

Hi Rebecca- welcome aboard- it's loads of fun- we're all just honing our skills so no need to be timid. Can't wait to read your work!
Chloe

Haha- this was fun and the character is sort of a likable curmudgeon- holiday angst is a very relatable topic. Cheers!
Chloe

Fantastic Chapter- loved the way you developed the main character and juxtoposed the teacher- Mrs. B persona with the sassier Molly. I didn't catch Jake's age but if he was an adolescent, the dialogue would ring true...admitting to stealing party food and the hesitation in putting sentences together. You got the feel of the small town right on too and great hanger at the end.

Wow- kept me on the edge of my seat! Loved how it suggested a sort of "undercover" backstory but kept the plot open to lots of different options- and the kids... sooo wonderfully creepy!
Chloe

Hi guys- I put this up as a draft as i wasn't sure if anyone had claimed my spot and was working on the same chapter. I felt I had to address the funny comment in chpt 3(?) about it being "the day I lost my sanity"- so i may have gone a little over the top with it. cheers!
Chloe

Hi guys! I'm back. Sorry for the delay- That darn real life, back to work blues and jet lag really took its toll. Got a chapter almost done- maybe later tonight- got to proofread. Sorry for the delay- my writing chops were a little rusty. Hope all is well with everyone- have to catch up with what's been going on!
Cheers!
Chloe

Anyone want to trade spots on the red brockton?- I'll be away- starting- well, tommorrow and won't have access to the internet- or at least not for less than like $12.95 a minute- don't want anyone to think I disappeared or chickened out- although it is a little daunting following these acts- otherwise I'll be glad to do my chapter but it might not be done for a little while. Cheers!
Chloe

Did I miss international talk like a pirate day???? Aaarrrrr!

Did I miss international talk like a pirate day???? Aaarrrrr!

Hi Cheese- well -done! liked the intro of new characters and loved the daydream with the medieval weapons-hahaha- I posted in the blog but don't think anyone saw- I'm going away for ten days so I wanted to know if anyone wanted to switch spots with me- I don't want to hold things up- I'm not chickening out- really!
Chloe

Congrats! That was tough tying up all the loose ends and what a tremendous Job!
Chloe

Hi Hebe6405 - sorry - just realized now that you commented on this- I really hope you mash it- You have a great way with this kind of story- don't know where I was going- just wondered what it would be like to escape for a bitand tried to leave a lot of room for interpretation! Thanks for reading!
Chloe

hopefully one day the color of the candidates' skin will be no more an issue than the color of their eyes or hair or pants. hope i get to see that happen- Cheers!
Chloe

Thanks Katrina,
This was a tough one and I struggled trying to wrap things up- I did want to humanize Jimmy and give some explanation for his thought process- You're exactly right, I did rush the ending as I screwed up the deadline (my own idiocy- lol) Thanks for your comments they are always really constructive! Can't wait for the next project!
Chloe

Hey Holly, I tried to have Jimmy's rage stem from a variety of factors, his speech impediment, abusive father, abandonment by his mother and the last straw being seeming rejection by Adara. I probably should have elaborated on the other elements more because they seem overshadowed by his disappointment over Adara- thanks for reading- comments were really helpful for next time!

Hi Guys, I'm fifth in line but am going to be away for ten days or so- out of the country- if anyone wants to switch places so i don't hold up the wheels of progress or Rocklee, if you want more time we could add cheese in? Its such a fun story so far!
Chloe

LOL!

We're talking serious writing experience! Can't wait to read your work! Cheers!
Chloe

WOW! That's an opener! Glad I'm not following this one! Great sense of the main character and antagonist- and sets the stage nicely for lots to build from!
Chloe

ps- yes that's what i meant about Methra- She just seemed really motherly to me- and always watching over her- glad you picked up on it! :)

Thanks Wolfram, Aggeloi, Honeygloom- The ending was "literally" rushed as i planned to finish my draft that evening (crazy work = limited writing time) I logged on and realized utc time meant I had virtually four minutes- not several hours(smack self on forehead) so i thought I'd enter what I had at least for some feedback on the first part rather than throw it all away. I had something much meatier planned for the finale although I did want him to jump - I read that a lot of criminal or evil minds evolve from provocations most of us would get over- (a prof told me for Hitler it was rejection from art school)I wanted to play up the irony of that idea- that everything we say and do has a ripple effect somewhere. Thanks for Reading and commenting!

LOL- yes with a PC your cats like to help you typeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I think this is the most intriguing idea! Have you guys started it yet and if so - where can I read it? So many religions parrallel eachother even though they evolved outside eachother's sphere of influence- maybe it's like that theory about the hundredth monkey- Jung wasn't it?
Chloe

Help- I entered mine yesterday but hit save and didn't realize I had it as a draft! I was so panicked about the utc time I didn't double click. is it too late?

Thanks- actually I had most of it done and realized UTC time meant 800- I had meant to publish it but just realized I hit save as a draft- Damn!

Haha, Don't we all!

Yay! I'm thoroughly intrigued- loved the introduction of the cardinal Richelieuesque character!- great analogy for a modern power monger- and what do they have on him? hmmm... Thanks for "advertising" that you'd added on to the story (lol) its so easy to miss stuff- I wish S.M. had a little flag or star next to everyone's chapters "you've got mashed" or somesuch when someone continued a storyline. I think this is coming together really well! Hope someone continues! anyone?
Chloe

Sorry I'm commenting a little late but congrats on a great piece! I hung up my gavel the last few rounds- thought I'd leave it to more experienced writers to judge- but your entry had great twists and turns and unanswered questions- Methra makes a great hero and counterpart to Adara! I was surprised at Franco being the guardian because of his sort of milk toast persona in previous chapters- but maybe he's the strong silent type (lol) The next group certainly has a lot of loose ends to tie up.
Chloe

Thanks so much for the kind words cheese! Wasn't too sure about the legitimacy of the legal loophole but thought it would be an interesting concept, and it is Fiction! (lol) Morrigana did a great chapter two!

Yippee! Fabulous- thanks for mashing it- it adds the perfect details and continues to build characters and loved the legal technicalities.
Chloe

That's the way the best ones are done!

sorry(-10 spelling)

Hola! Bienvenidos!

touche'

Hi guys,
I published this a while back and after reading the comments left, I tried to revise it a bit for HAC- still can't get a handle on horror- does a little creepy qualify? haha- Thanks for taking the time to read and give feedback.
Chloe

Ooh, lots of great characters here! and loved the small town setting. I would have loved a little dialogue to really get a sense of the characters straight from the horses mouth so to speak - but overall nice writing- can't wait to read more!
Chloe

Great writing- you really got inside the characters head with something everyone can relate to- I still get asked what i'm going to do with my life!- Also liked the kind of comment on the homogenization (-10 spelling) of the education system and how the individual can get lost in it.- at least that's how i read it? Look forward to reading more of your work.
Chloe

Great descriptions and Great rythym! Makes me want to pack up and move West!
Chloe

Wow, what a fabulous opener, and eerily possible? Great details, and well written, I could actually hear the tone of the computer's voice as i read it. Loved the back story about returning to the stone age, reminds me of that Einstein quote (I think it was him)about not knowing how WWWIII will be fought but WWIV would be fought with sticks and stones. Welcome to SM.
Chloe

Hello All,
I'm confused about the horror mashes and which ones are being used. I contributed to two but if they got axed, I could try to take another stab at it, to challenge myself if nothing else. They all have to be six chapters correct? What if none of them get finished? OoooNooo!
Chloe
p.s.love the Halloween deadline (teehee)

Now Cornelius, I assure you, I can be as petty anyone! (lol)-Listing the scores is a great idea, you get a better read on your real audience and can dismiss random low ballers. Actually I did notice all of my chapters mysteriously went down one time and immediately thought 'sabotage" as I had "had words" with someone.- Could they have a "name optional" with your vote - that way the people you know are legit would probably have no problem having their name attatched to it. Can they do that in cyberspace?
Chloe

A standing ovation! Sherman the anti- hero maybe! What fun!
Chloe

Superb!

Great take on mistaken identity- just as the main character was struggling with hers- fabulous coming of age piece! Loved the nosy relatives!

Wow, brilliantly pathological!- reminds me in a way of Stephen King's misery with the hostage/psychotic abductor backwoods situation- liked how you saw the victim thinking about "what he was dealing with" gives a clue that he might be up for outsmarting mabel- let the mind games begin. Fabulous take on the title "harvest"

Delightful!- it reminds me of that poem that starts "forgive me, i ate the plums in the ice box..." I forget who wrote it.

liked the last line a lot, with the use of the idea of fire as a potential salvation. Have to agree a bit with UnknownE re: the predictability- i know there are lots of books and movies on similiar subjects- not a deal breaker, but the pressure's on you to make yours super unique to stand out- I mean there a million murder mysteries and we all still read them! Seemed you were telling the reader about "the disease" instead of "showing" what was going on and letting them imagine for themselves, I have to echo mako on that, If you were seeing things through the eyes of a character that maybe was experiencing the symptoms, it could be more real. I'd avoid words like "doomed" etc. too hollywood. Some nice writing here though, don't get me wrong- I'm not a writer so I'm only offering my opinion as someone reading your work because it seems you were genuinely interested in getting people's feedback and these couple things struck me for you to take or leave as you see best. In the end you are the author and you have to be happy with it! Looking forward to seeing where it goes! Happy Writing!
Chloe

Fabulous! This could go so many directions- I love the fact that he "literally" works underground. Loved his sort of surly likability too.
Chloe

Oh, I sort of liked the Fawkes humor- If its a common enough name i wouldn't worry about changing it- even use the connection later for something clever- some mistaken identity? just a thought- Benedict works too though and has a nice ring.

aha- a woman of taste! (lol)

I wouldn't worry about the numbers- mine randomly go up and down even though it doesn't seem that there are more votes. The real value is in the comments that speak to you as a writer and aside from the contest, they don't really count for anything unless someone sorts stories by rank.

Hello,
I'm a fan of yours from TSNK- sounds like you have a lot of projects on the burner- don't worry, i read that da Vinci only finished a small percent of projects he started- Its the sign of a high IQ- (lol- of course that means I should be splitting an atom or something with my "almost finished" files) Hope you get to experience snow, nothing beats making a snowman and running in for hot chocolate, no matter how old you are! I'm trying vegetarianism, yet again, haven't eaten a mammal in years,- but shrimp scampi is my downfall! have to read your latest contest entry! happy writing.

Yay! He gets the girl- I think? Loved the references to Lincoln and Clinton- haha- defensive vomiting? (lol) that's a brainteaser!
Cheers!
Chloe

oops, i was so excited, i clicked twice (lol)

Wow! It'd be a page turner if it had, pages! Great developement of characters, sense of place, and storyline- with a little backstory too that can be picked up later! Fabulous!

Wow! It'd be a page turner if it had, pages! Great developement of characters, sense of place, and storyline- with a little backstory too that can be picked up later! Fabulous!

Many thanks theblackhand, bet you could do something pretty cool with it, hint, hint,

oops typos galore!

This is quite intriguing on many levels. I read the second chapter first and got a bit confused era wise when chapter one included the word zippo, dude and mentioned cellophane cigarette wrappers? Then the last line about being "older than he looked" tied it all together- the movie Highlander comes to mine- not an insult- one of my personal favorites- (not any of the sequels though) Funny thing, it probably worked just as well reading it in that order- really liked the blurb in itallics as an opener. The character is really engaging and the way he speaks suggests age and wisdom, but doesn't lock him into a specific time or place, perfect for someone who's been around a few centuries. All around a reamrkably good read.- any relation to Guy Fawkes (Fauwkes?) who burnt down the parliament buildings- maybe that's a different spelling, I don't remember exactly.

Haha! He is a force to be reckoned with- his critiques alone are literary masterpieces- but don't worry- we're all just here to let off a little creative steam- I'm just happy if anyone pays me the compliment of mashing one of mine!

I hope someone picks up "The bank robbers"- (you can find chapter three under my name and backtrack) he-be (sorry @ spelling?) did the best chapter four- sort of international thriller!

Thanks so much! Fancy a go at it?

Really Clever! Are the lyrics to music we would know- or did you have your own musical score in mind?-I was trying to hum it in my head and kept getting the giligans island theme! I really enjoy your unorthodox and fresh take on things.
Chloe

Great Chapter! I love how you suspend the idea that the character escaped from prison until the very end- and the line about the little boy thinking "why don't they let the old man be?" - and the sort of symbolism there - child as old man's memory- Really nice to see someone venture into an untapped subject matter- very sad but not sentimental or cloying. Bravo!
Chloe

I think I met "Write" not "right" an autobiography- you can tell what a great "righter" I am. :)

LOL- I don't feel so bad now!- I remember my friends telling us about a great cafe in Rome on senso unico street- we never found it as senso unico means "one way"! Its a wonder they let us out of the US.
I'm so jealous- you were over there for the fall of the wall- and as a rock star to boot! You should right an autobiography- your life sounds much more intriguing than a lot of fiction people dream up!
I'm on the east coast in Pennsylvania- just outside Philadelphia so I guess its about 6 hours so I can say Guten (Guden, Gooten?)Tag?
Chloe

writer- you're funny! Sorry I should have checked that noone added a capter right before I moved mine from microsoftword to "add a chapter"-I thought I was pretty speedy on that one- oh well- I would have enjoyed continuing yours, esp with the new fairy character- ooh I guess i still could?
Sure doesn't seem like you need to go back to school- didn't mark Twain say- i never let my schooling interfere with my education.

With Le Blog, there'll be three random words at the end which the next writer has to include in the story- Nash did a great job with:terminal velocity, bavaria, and olive oil if you read his chpt. three. happy writing.-
Chloe

hey, I almost earned a latte' :) - Great place to hone your skills and get valuable and honest feedback though! happy writing!
Chloe

Great thinking! :) there are so many works in progress:

I added a chapter three to Honeygloom's Love and Bones

another chapter three to The Bank Robbers (someone added a fabulous four!)

and an old one Scidfi (where are you?) and I were batting back and forth called The Painting

also I know its supposed to be "continued only" but I'll be a rebel and see if I could get some feedback on one I started a while back: Midas Uncovered- only as it sort of uses a storymash type setting- although it's a little rough around the edges. off to read! Cheers!
Chloe

Your it Cheeseliker! My neutrons (neurons) are obviously quite tired! :)

Brilliant! As expected! skidmarks in bavaria- hahah- loved the line about skipping muddy rocks too- Mr Ed! is nothing sacred? (LOL)too many great things to mention! Bravo!Gotta run, my mind is spinning with images of ball peen hammers in yellow snow- maybe someone else will pick up and spare my neutrons!

oops- one day I'll learn to navigate this site! Off to read!

Wonderfully romantic! Where is chapter two?

oops, I meant Bavaria, not B.olivia, that changes everything

Sorry, can't be me,I chose the next three items.
Nashville? Cheese?

Bolivia
olive oil
terminal velocity

any sparks yet?

Your son must be having a blast! How great to be raised on two continents!with two languages! My friend studied through some exchange program through trinity college in the U.S, I'm not sure if it was U. of Heidelberg- would that be right? it's been a while. its funny when you remember one small thing, all these details come back to you. I never got a handle on the language, i remember I arrived in tears telling my friend, i got off the train in Ausgang instead of Heidelberg- took a minute to realize that ausgang meant exit- and ages to live it down!
yes the east berliner police/soldiers? gave us a bit of a hard time, we ended up giving them west german marks so they would let us back across the border- we had brought some west german $ which was worth like a thousand fold, but since you weren't really "supposed" to bring it over we could only spend it on "perishables" that they couldn't trace-we had some luxurious four course champagne lunch in a revolving restaurant overlooking the city.- after semesters of cheerios and kool aid that was pretty good! not our smartest moves in retrospect but, got some great pics- was studying photography- of course before digital- now everyone's ansel adams! well thanks for letting me ramble down memory lane- back to paying bills and laundry! woopee!
guten (guden?) nacht or maybe its tag over there now.
Chloe

LOL- sorry, my heart belongs to jonathan rhys meyers... ( not that i can spell his name )

I'll have to check out your music! Actually, considering most people get 0 songs published, that's pretty good! I guess my visit to germany wasn't a million years per se(lol)... but I do remember watching fireworks from the castle (schloss?) over the river (nekar? neckar?) Almost makes me miss being a starving student with a eurail pass (LOL)except when we got arrested for jaywalking in East Berlin- when there was an east Berlin.
Chloe

Yippee! Checked out the site fanfic- they have The Tudors! I'm in love!

:) lol!

Oh stop! I'm going to get a big head!(lol) You origninated the unique idea (the hard part) i just tagged along on your coat-tails- hope someone picks it up! Thanks again!
Chloe

Yay! The more the merrier!

:) good, now...who wants cookies and lemonade?

Great rythym- very effective and spare imagery- really, really liked it!
Chloe

That's hysterical!!!

Ooh forgot about this one. maybe I'll revisit and revise. many thanks for your suggestions!- I like the font change idea especially to differentiate setting
Chloe

Brilliant! especially loved the use of the DVD commentary and the description of the bank presidents house- gives a great sense of his character. Just Perfect in every way! Must read more of your work...you wouldn't consider continung it would you? :)
Chloe

sorry about the typos

I disagree with the ancient sticks and stones mentality, names can be just as painful and cause much more severe damage to someone psyche. Who amaong us doesn't carry around some third grade playground trauma. i tried to thoughtfully comment on your piece but didn't realize it was a waste of my time and effort as it was completely overlooked amidst a literary feud.
Chloe

Thanks hebe,
I hope someone picks it up, the opening writer started with bank robbers but i thought it might be less predictable to have them steal something other than money. Try a chapter?
Chloe

ooops- I always click twice

Thanks so much writer-
Honey wrote a fascinating opener.

Thanks so much writer-
Honey wrote a fascinating opener.

Thanks Silver!
I will check it out.- So continuing the with Gone with the Wind reference- I could write a parallel story about belle watling?( -10 spelling) or is it more associated with current TV/ film etc/ I could take a character from Gossip Girl( I admit it, I'm an addict) Thanks for your help, i never really understood what it was- I'd love to read something you wrote! Cheers!
Chloe

Thanks Rocklee,
I'll try to look it up- heard it mentioned several times. Just curious. Cheers!
Chloe

Great now another fabulous chapter we all have to live up to... (lol) Can you ghostwrite mine? Loved the line at the beginning about Red being afraid of heights- brilliant! and the image at the end with pen on his face hahahaha!
Chloe

Diagnosing? hmmm, I thought I was commenting on the ideas/opinions you personally put out for the "world" to read. Don't worry I won't comment on your work anymore. I seem to not express myself clearly when i do.

ah! very Shakespearean.

Touche'

Is the polish quote about "what is a name...?" Interesting ideas- you seem interested in differentiating yourself from "normal" people, but I for one, have yet to meet a "normal" person. Certainly there is the culture of the mainstream, but if you delve deeper, everyone's got an "insane" side to them. John Doe doesn't really exist.

Oooh, I like it, very magical and metaphorical. I had already mashed a chapter 3 or I would have continued yours. I should have checked first.
Chloe

many Thanks! :)

I read it as Syrus was a victim of the car crash mentioned in the opening line and his soul had wandered into the forest and the white cat was a metaphor of some sort. you got the "catness" right on target with the very feline descriptions. Some of the sentence structure seemed awkward at times- it would almost be cool to streamline the idea down a bit,get rid of any unnecessary words or even put it into a poem form.
Chloe

I'm intrigued. So is it a spin off type of writing? as when writers tried to make a sequel to gone with the wind, taking the Scarlet character and past story and developing it into something new?
Chloe

Now that's a bio!
but how do you have time to write? Do you write your lyrics or have any sites featuring your music? I spent some time in Heidelberg a million years ago and trapsed around Deutschland- (spelling?) - beautiful country! Best of luck with your new projects!
Chloe

Great characters- loved the speaker's awe of too cool Charlie- really nicely written!
Chloe

Who's this Toby everyone's talking about? (lol)

That's a great way to do it!

How do you get to the judges bios? I couldn't find mine either. I got there once quite by accident but for the life of me can't get back.

I really enjoyed this- moody and evocative- I found I could visualize the scene effortlessly- for me a cold irish coastline-echoing her outlook- also the the way the thoughts flowed in the character's mind spoke to her frustration/despair- you had me going- i thought it was a fantasy piece but loved the comment by seamus about "it's a bird dingbat" that said so much about his character, their relationship and the differences in their personalities. i think women especially would relate to this piece. off to read chapter 2.
Chloe

I don't know....hmmmmmm...good point (lol) post a comment on their most recent entry maybe - would be cool if there was a mini mail room where you could leave messages.

What a blast!- too many great lines to mention! This could go -oh so many ways- family tension- drama within a drama- the possibilies are endless! I signed up on the forum-
Chloe

I'll try, if there's room- I know I'm in on the Giant Rock- Is that OK?

Hi Nash,
Must have just missed you. I'll be glad to check it out. I saw you had a project going but was already signed for Giant Rock (sci-fi, what was I thinking!) I didn't want to be a mash-hog!- let me pop over and see if there is still a spot open! Thanks for your vote of confidence!
Chloe

I love the idea of a mash for every new chapter you introduce! Seems there's a lot of lonely opening chapters there growing cold. (Mine included) I recently mashed one and the author commented that he/she didn't want to go in that direction and was finishing it themselves- I thought mashing was to accept and expect the unexpected, embrace that element of surprise- I really like challenging myself to write "in other peoples shoes", plus for me I don't have the attention span to write a whole story :) Maybe we could have an SM first annual mashing day- where only mashing other writers' work was allowed. A little flag when someone added to one of your stories would be great- but is that a programming logistical nightmare? Or dropping a line to the author you mashed could work- anyway love all the new projects and great new forum on the site- it gets better and better! Happy mashing!
Chloe

I hope you pick it up!- I'd love to see what you do with olive oil and Bavaria! Happy writing!
Chloe

just sent it over- can't wait to get started

Sounds fun, never did sci-fi so whooopeeeee! Is there a time frame for this or does the creative process dictate that?(lol)
Chloe

I on the other hand was rather entertained by this, and tried a mash with your three variables (love that concept!)
Chloe

p.s. I also mashed your le blog de uselessness if you want to check it out. it's amazing how much writing you get done when your home sick with a head cold.

How would the logistics work? I'm intrigued, something new.
Chloe

ooh this has the making of a great horror piece. Loved how you interplayed the kid hearing voices with getting excited about green bean casserole(LOL) - really gets inside his mind that way. Have you entered anything in the HAC contest? I think they're looking for completed stories. Otherwise would love to see where it goes.
Chloe

Thanks moonglow,
I really liked your start- nice change from the horror stuff going around. You can continue it if you like or write your own chapter two. There aren't really any rules aside from in the contests. Ten more people could pick up on your chapter like I did and you just pick the chapter2 you like best to continue or leave it for others to finish up. Lots of fun! I'll look forward to reading more of your pieces!
Chloe

Thanks Nashville,
You're a tough act to follow...as I know from TSNK contest (lol)... I liked how you developed Maybel without making her a stereotype...what an unlikely protaganist! also liked the unexpected role of the dog as beloved pet...potential there a la pet cemetary. I've never embraced mainstream slasher horror but liked reading quirky dark character-driven scary stuff.Thought i'd take a stab at it. Didn't know I had that effect on socks. Thanks!
Chloe

Hi moonglow,
I picked up your story. Really liked the vulnerability of Dee's character. Let me know what you think, wasn't sure where you wanted to take it..mystery, romance...etc.
Chloe

Well, thank you very much- I'll never open the door for a repairman again- !(LOL) phenominal writing! the descriptive details, the calcualated mind of the criminal, the voyeuristic viewpoint of the reader! On to read chapter two!
Chloe

Fabulous hanger at the end! I love the way it was written so believably from the child's perspective! Hope someone continues it- I tried but I'm stumped!
Chloe

I liked the modern fairy tale aspect and introducing the religious conflict element to the star crossed lovers. Fresh idea!
Chloe

Hi Foo,
Thanks! That's right there was a magnifying glass-I couldn't remember where I heard this story but Rajasir's comments brought it to mind. I'm a big fan of "signs" in life too, although I seem to misread them alot (lol)

Can I try too?. i couldn't find it on the site but maybe not knowing the details is a good thing!
Chloe

Oooh sounds intriguing...and timely. i will check if you published any here, would love to read what you have! Best of luck!
Chloe

That's the fun part of mashing- seeing your story go in all different directions (lol) It was meant for someone to continue wasn't it? or was it the start of your own story and I missed that? ooops! Happy Writing!
Chloe

Hi Torn,
I added a chapter to this- not my usual genre but I adored the King Arthur books growing up so I thought I'd give some pageantry and castle feuds a try. It may not be the direction you were thinking... happy writing
Chloe
Oh and I didn't include a partridge on a pear tree (LOL)

oops typo my computer is in a mood today

Very bittersweet- almost in danger of being too sentimental-but so am I (lol) Is it the start of a story?- I want to know more about these people, love like that doesn't come around everyday. people-
Chloe

ooops, clicked twice- sorry

The premise is good- when friends take advantage of friends- we've all been there! I'd like to know more about the chracters- why they're friends, what they've been through etc... to care about them and the constant swearing distracts you from the story and sounds too "adolescent trying too hard"- "four letter words" lose their power when overused and become superfluous- save them for when they can really add emphasis and mean something. But that's just my spin. Liked the detail with the cigarettes at the end- spoke to his frustration to control the relationship.That kind of detail is very telling.

The premise is good- when friends take advantage of friends- we've all been there! I'd like to know more about the chracters- why they're friends, what they've been through etc... to care about them and the constant swearing distracts you from the story and sounds too "adolescent trying too hard"- "four letter words" lose their power when overused and become superfluous- save them for when they can really add emphasis and mean something. But that's just my spin. Liked the detail with the cigarettes at the end- spoke to his frustration to control the relationship.That kind of detail is very telling.

Hi Rajasir,
I once read that John Lennon fell in love Yoko because she made an art piece that consisted of a ladder in the middle of the room that one had to climb to read the word YES on the ceiling. Lennon said if it had said NO he never would have fallen for her. I don't if its true or know why i just thought of this and its not really relevant. I just sort of liked the idea.
Chloe

Nicely Done- Is the link to the website part of the poem- like the commercialization of art- or is it just the answer to riddle? either way, I like it.
Chloe

Hey Sidfi,
Almost forgot about this one, but we have a good start. I took a break from writing. Are you still out there?
Chloe

I really like the premise here- will have to read the continuance- great starting point- a lot of drunken bets lead to much, much more!
Chloe

Oh how fun! Let us know what happen's with it! I still remember so many books I loved at that age!
Chloe

Hi Rocklee! Oh my gosh- you can't even drive but you can write like that! Kudos! Looking forward to reading more of your work- so when you're famous we can say we knew you when....
Chloe

Thanks Silver! Wow a novel in a month- I'm struggling writing a chapter these days...are amateurs welcome?...I'm definatley not in your league(lol) I will check out the site ASAP, Many Thanks! I'm in Pa. so i'll see what we East coasters have. Can't wait to read more of your work on SM!
Chloe

Haha, yes, I still get a bit nervous posting something for the "world" to read.

Hi Silver,
Wow you have such an extensive resume! I remember watching those TV shows- wild wild west was so ahead of its time! Have you posted any of sneak previews of your novels here? Also what's Nano? Chocolate and idea-bouncing sounds wonderful!
Chloe

I knew you would know the dadaists- normally I don't like catagorizing styles of anything but thought that philosophy could have been an influence on your piece.

Great job getting into the psyche of the adolescent mind! Timely subject, wonderful protaganist and characters. Nice detail with the pink tuxedo. loved "the hall of judgement" ... Walked that one many times myself... Can't wait to read more of your work!
Chloe

Is this a nod toward dadaism?

Hey Blackhand,
You definately have a way with horror and you can see your influences in your writing. I work in mental health with kids as well. I find writing is a nice break from the "real world" horror stories. Do you ever read the really old stuff like Poe?- the Telltale Heart is the creepiest thing I've ever read.
Chloe

Hi Blackhand,
I'm a fan of yours too!... That would be cool. I have no horror skills though! lol

sorry tried to be clever- that's as far as i got! LOL will try one for real!

This is a really unique and clever brain warm up, a bit like a haiku format, yet not.

What a fabulous way to get the creative juices going after a dry spell.

This would most definately force you to choose your words very meticulously.

Where in the world did you find this?

What Fun!

Thanks!

Hi Pittymenot. are you new here?

Hi Cherrytealeaf,
Congrats on your pilot! I'm a PBS addict too! It almost makes up for the rest of what is aired on TV!
Chloe

Hi everyone,
It's so nice to get a glimpse of the people behind the taglines! I found storymash quite by accident. I have a degree in Fine Arts (in hindsight not so marketable) so while I continue to await fame and fortune, I work in the expressive therapy dept. in a childrens' pyschiatric hospital- never a dull moment there... I have three very spoiled rescue cats and a retired horse. I've never written any fiction for people to actually read until I arrived here(and am a miserable tpyist) but always loved reading... Austen, Somerset Maughan, any mystery, history, occassional chick lit, and of course the stories published here! I've appreciated the feedback and critiques I've gotten enormously and hope to hone my marginal skills! Happy writing!
Chloe

What a fabulous chapter! Sorry I missed out on the voting! i liked methra taking on a "superpower" mentality (the sneering at the kidnappers methods etc..) It will be fun to see where the other writers take that: she'll either live up to it and save the day or be in for a rude awakening with this villain! Love the description of the desert, the little details with the coffee beans and the characters were actually acting just as I'd imagine from the previous chapters. Bravo!
Chloe

Creeeepy! Great characters- jerks but great! Loved the way you implied things in the story without knocking the reader on the head and the musical accompaniment was a nice touch!
Chloe

Oooh I really liked the tension in the hotel room, great dialogue! Wish it could be longer to really get to know what these creatures are capable of- maybe a flashback to a previous encounter with a really frightening outcome? Well written though! The first half could be the start of a novel.

What a fabulous chapter! A fresh new twist is just what the story needed! It really kicked the plot into high gear! Bravo!
Chloe

Oooh! This is a great set-up for some real movement in the story! i love the idea of adara finally confronting father Preston! but The phone call (though a great way to connect Preston and Methra) just didn't ring true to me... no pun intended- I don't think Father Preston would take a call while Adara was relating sensitive info about her dreams- or that he would use Methra's name in front of her-as he must know their connection- Maybe if adara had accidentally overheard it? Also i think a desperate adara would demand some sort confrontation with Preston at this point. I did love where this was going though - just wished you had written more!
Chloe

Wow! great surprise bringing "Desiree" out of the past. Nice twist. also liked the way you suggested that adara might have been the young girl dreaming about Daminan/father preston's crimes. Some of the dialogue seemed a bit lesson plan-ish regarding the explanation of the cult etc. but overall i think the twists really set the wheels in motion for a new direction for the story!
Chloe

I really liked Francos comment at the end! Suggests something so sinister in a seemingly offhanded way! fabulous! i liked the use of Latin in the opener but there was a lot of it and as mine is a little rusty, I could only pick out a few words. It might be nice to have Adara translate the phrases in her mind for the reader- after those years in catholic school she might know some of them. Also very minor, I think you had adara as adora-just a little distracting but easily fixable- i know- i'm the queen of typos! I liked the photograph idea too, speaks to her ability to see what others can't in a new way! Great chapter, I just wanted to keep reading!
Chloe

sorry about the typos!

Wow! Lots of action! Really liked the way you moved the story along. The build up to Adara finding methra on the floor was reallly well done.Liked the descriptions of the men as statues waiting for life.nice line- also the way you portrayed Paige. Wasn't sure about the silk teddy though- a little victoria's secret meets pagan cult (lol) Also Franco seemed a little gruff and self absorbed for someone who's stepdaughter was kidnapped- but then again I could see more to his character coming out of the shadows in future chapters. I really liked the idea of the cult being in the basement of St. stephen's!- at least that's what came to mind for me wiht the last line- great way to tie things together and in justify Paige's involvement in the whole thing. Exciting chapter!
Chloe

Well written and great summary of the recent events in the story. It was a very believable thought process for Adara. I just think this could have been a very good section of a bigger chapter that incorporated maybe Adara's conversation with the police or other events to start leading to unraveling this mystery, especially now that the story is past the halfway mark already! What you have is great, I'd just love to have seen more!- actually that's a good thing! (lol)
Chloe

oooh, that could have actually been cool- a little silence of the lambs though (lol)

This was a fantastic chapter! Its exactly the way I would picture Adara thinking and behaving. You portrayed her anxiety without making the chapter chaotic or her seeming completely out of control. Adara waiting for the computer to start up, or her messages to play were little details but they really spoke convincingly to her panic and built tension in such a relatable way. Great dialogue and the phone voice was menacing but believable. Nice touch tying the cops second guessing Sanchez's demise too. I also liked Adara's thought process - trying to make sense out of the new developements with Methra'sassociation to paganism and the confusion there- good summarizing to keep the reader on track. Great Read!
Chloe

Crystalfoo, Congrats on a Great Chapter! Just sorry you can't contribute another now(lol) Can't wait to read more of your work!
Chloe

Hi Lindsey,
Thanks so much!I started out thinking it would be "twilight zonish" too but thought having it be a set up would be more surprising. glad you liked it!
Chloe

Wow! So deliciously scary! - flashbacks to all those teen years babysitting- love the villain as a pint sized "brat"! i love how you took a simple everyday situation and made it so ghoulish and played it out amongst the legos!
Chloe

I'm not sure what an-doc meant exactly either, maybe plan an outline or collaborate as its written or bounce ideas off eachother as we go? The fun of mashing is the element of surprise though!

Thanks Honeygloom, Great suggestions!- I meant to keep it as a draft- I love the idea of mirroring Lirs' "hunting" with that of the shark!- and make him sort of the creepy lurking guy from the very beginning to build tension! Sand Tigers seemed a really interesting subject so maybe I should give the shark more of a starring role. I also wanted to stress sort of the wild/captive angle. I wasn't sure if the sea witch was too hokey, but apparantly they are pretty plentiful and their lore goes way back. Many Thanks the "edit" wheels are already turning!(lol)
Chloe

Was trying to go scary. this is a draft, any comments would be helpful! Thanks!

Really clever concept with great mashability! Loved the way the seemingly beneficial vaccines were tampered with and the resulting upset of the "natural oreder of things"...hmmm- I read something about vaccines for children being linked to the rise of autism, adhad etc... and it wasn't supposed to be fiction your ideas are very timely! Did you mean to publish it during the olympics (lol)?
Chloe
well written!

Wow! Loved the way you portrayed the sound machine as able to experience human pleasures and emotions, yet not really understand them, like being alive but not self aware. You also set up a lot for the next group to pick up on and run with. I was hoping for a kind of government conspiracy!(lol) liked the touch with candice too, and the vivid description of the Alaskan wilderness. For one of a six chapter work this had just the right pacing!
Chloe

I have a question and didn't know where to blog it. it says on my profile i've been paid a couple of bucks. Where does it go? i do have a paypal account I supplied. it's no big deal but I can have an extra latte this week! YAY! Thanks!
Chloe

Wow! how to end with a bang! Very reminiscent of persophone's opener. Tying in Charlie added tension and meaty emotional complications-good stuff to build from- I might have liked to know just a bit more about Charlie's life and "crimes" though, to understand the murderers choice of him as a target. The dialogue with franco somehow didn't ring true to me- all these crazy events would have made him more persitant or frustrated I would think- unless he is the world's most sensitive man(lol) -I really liked the sassy dialogue of Miguel toward Preston- really hinted at the balance of power in that relationship and suggested some action in the form of a possible escape plan. Fun! Overall lots of good fodder to give the next group of writers!
Chloe

Still liked what I did about the last version- the tying things together and clarifying Paige's newly revealed abilities as well as adding to killer's tally. I thought the end with both girls being called into the office, though it does point a finger at Father Preston, still gives the next group of writers lots of less obvious options to play with too..do they even make it to the office? oooh! definately a good set up for some real action to come!
Chloe

This was written very well. I liked the Mona character and you gave her nice dimension in a short space. I'm just not sure about her brief cameo appearance though, with her connection to Adara's past she could have been a good character to keep around for a while. I liked the distraction of father preston's appearance haunting Adara esp. with the tv blurb of the murders- very portentous. The phone conversation did seem a little casual and light hearted considering Adara's current situation- especially with an old close friend whom she could confide in- i think Adara's desperation would be forefront on her mind. Did love the lipstick on the wall as a hangar, and I suppose technically Mona isn't necessarily a goner, she seems pretty feisty and probably can give the murderer a run for his money and the added pressure on Adara to hone in on the killer. Nice Job!
Chloe

I liked the way you had Esperenza take on another personality- sort of speaking in tongues- thought that reinforced the supernatural aspect of the story. I would have liked to see more progress in the chapter- I think Paige being out of it for three days didn't really take us anywhere- and to me Adara wouldn't be the type of person to just do nothing for after everything is going on. I did like the way you connected the earlier phone call and thought making esperenza a sort of unwilling clairvoyant was really clever- i could see her continuing in the story, randomly giving Adara hints of information.

Oooh That's a great idea TBH, I know -it's really hard for me to get the genre of the stories just by the titles- I'm confused- i know there are tag lines -where do they show up?
Chloe

Congrats Honeygloom! Knock their socks off!
Chloe

Wow! what a way to get inside the mind of the killer- the way you had him "justifying" his actions and his methodical, calculated tone made him truly terrifying! It was definately a break from the storyline and main characters but I don't necessarily think an unwarranted one- its almost as if we now know what Adara is up against- so let the games begin! i only wished I hadn't read it late at night! (lol)
Chloe

Hi writerwannabe,
I really liked the way this sort of summarized the previous chapters as well as moved the story forward. It gave the reader some time to absorb everything that's happened thus far and hint at the action to come. You could sense Adara's relief as she shared her "secret" with her family. Also loved the casino addition- of course its vegas- sin city! not so sure about the mutilation thing but that could just be my squeamishness and it does work with the previous dream images. It would seem Franco might have reacted in a more emotionally charged manner to Adara's opening up esp. re: the fact that Amelia had been a victim. I don't know if it was ever spelled out but i thought her family had some inkling of her abilities even if she didn't share the details. Lots of good momentum for the next group to pick up on, maybe a cool twist with the neighbor too!
Chloe

crystalfoo,
Ooooh! (slaps self on forhead)It was written so vividly I guess I forget about the intuition part(lol)I love the idea of Adara coming to father Preston's rescue, delicious irony! Can't wait to read more from you!
Chloe

Hi inuitennui,

Thanks so much for your comments! This was my first try at a complete story- start to finish and it was definately a struggle to create a compelling read without making the characters two dimensional or skimping on descriptive detail- but write and learn- I'd love to read some of your work as well! Thanks again- feedback is much appreciated!
Chloe

This was superbly crafted! I thought the addition of Methra's association with paganism was quite a twist- is she a counterpat to the Christian fanatcism, or using religious propaganda as a cover to send police in the wrong direction? Hmmm... I have to admit i will miss Father Preston (sniffle, sniffle) although I had hoped no one would make him the chief villain - far too easy- I hoped someone could take advantage of his history with Adara and inside connection to the church to build a meaty character. maybe even have him not a evil as first implied. His murder scene was spine tingling! maybe if it had been more toward the end of the story so we could have gotten to know him a little better. Anyway it was a fabulous roller coaster of a read!
Chloe

I liked the way you tied a lot of the pieces from previous chapters together- the affair between Miguel and Esperenza made sense plotwise. Also the way Adara and Paige sort of "joined forces"- worked as Paige 's character comes more to the forefront and is coming into her own- "power wise". The dialogue was believable and the restaurant piece worked well to add to Adara's disorientation. I would have almost liked to read more. Maybe more detail on the discovery of Esperenza- that part seemed a little hurried and is a key element. Liked the last line a lot! Great hanger with a lot of potential. Overall nice pacing- covered a lot but didn't go overboard or get sidelined! Nice Job!
Chloe

Thanks Blackhand!- I realized half way through it wasn't very horror- I struggled creating an entire storyline in 2000 words or less- I need to learn to edit!
Chloe

Thanks expression! I don't know why I put leash(lol) did I invent a new saying?- I think I should have left it as a mash and not included the cover up. I did want to try to suggest how easily he was corruptable to give it sort of a darker but still happy ending. I think I just needed more words and couldn't fit it all in effectively. You're right, more of the dreams would add to the eerieness. I really can't wrap my mind around horror- but I have another idea brewing I may try to push myself! Would love to check your horror piece out! Again thanks for your input!
Chloe

Hi Dwayne, thanks! I'm so jealous!- I was in Rome about a million years ago as a "starving art student" and fell in love with it! I was actually thinking this could be a complete story in the horror section, but realized it wasn't really horror! oops! I did rush at the end because I was running out of my 2000 allotted words(lol)- You're right though, I should have cut it off to add suspense- maybe when he got arrested and kept it as a mash. I guess something creepy could happen on the plane and his momentary sense of relief could be over! Thanks so much for your feedback! Right on target!
Chloe

I really liked this guy! Great starter- lots of fun! loved the dialogue with Naomi's comebacks-do I sense a Bonnie and Clyde for the next generation!?
Chloe

Phenominal! I'd comment more but want to read it again!
Chloe

Hi guys,
Was thinking of this for the horror project but it might be too "PG" (lol)
Chloe

Thanks Dogdeity11,
Alien was what came to mind for me too (still have nightmares) Wow I think you just gave the next chapter writers about 300 fabulous ideas! Do you still contribute chapters? Thanks again!
Chloe

Hi Honeygloom,
On a totally unrelated note, my husband went to U. of U (lol)
Chloe

Congratulations Expression! You gave the next group a lot fascinating new directions to go! Bravo!
Chloe

Definately! Its always easier to give advice to others...as for myself, I sometimes get lost! (lol)
Chloe

Thanks so much dogdeity11,
I agree with the time issue! I could have put something to indicate that more time had passed besides the brief dialogue and walk down the hall, which as you said probably took all of five minutes. I was hinting at conspiracy- maybe something on a grand scale, government involvement oooh... etc.. "Horror" isn't really my genre- I suppose I really don't have a "genre" as the stories I've written here over the past month have been the only ones I've written for anyone to actually read, since third grade (lol) I am a little murky-are there certain elements that separate horror from suspense from sci-fi? or is it a -you know it if you read it sort of situation. Thanks again for your feedback and support!
Chloe

That's funny-I'm the same way- I've got something in the works but its more mystery or horror lite! (lol) I may publish a draft- love to get your feedback! Congrats again!

I know- writing is the fun part (lol)- Did you enter anything in the horror project?

Congrats Expression!!! A well earned victory! I think you really gave the next group a lot of different avenues to pursue! Now you get to sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the story (lol)!

I think I meant Bravo!...Barvo doesn't sound so complimentary! sorry!

sorry about the typos!

I like the way you went out on a limb and took things in a different direction! Some really nice writing- Paiges sarcasm in the car was very realistic. I especially liked the way she "overheard' that the kidnapper had a gun- much more ominous than having him wave it in her face! I'm not sure if we know enough about Paige to believe she would risk chasing after a murderer by herself. Also I was confused as to why she wouldn't tell her mother she knew the victim in her dream? It did set up a definate knew direction! kudos for thinking outside the box!
Chloe

That's funny! but I guess it doesn't really get any better than Dr. Suess- he was a genius!
Chloe

Nice job! I liked how you continued this chapter as well as picking up an-doch's swarming idea. I'd like to see even more with the crickets- seems she got away a little too easily (Of course-I would faint if it happened to me lol) liked the background on Maggie- I like how you established Maggie as the main character- great ending with the electrical cord!
Chloe

Some seriously scary stuff here! Love the fact that Miguel could have gotten a hold of the lighter!-great possibilities with fire as a destructive force, escape tool etc...- works metaphorically with the "biblical" theme too.
I got confused with Preston's character: smoking (are they allowed to do that?) and roughing up Miguel when the guards are in such close proximity- The hitchhiker scene was fabulous- I was screaming "don't get in the car! Great ending to- love the Practice makes perfect! Barvo!
Chloe

Hi short-sweet,
I really liked Paige's dialogue- very teenage- "another sex talk?' was great. I wonder if her reaction to her mom passing out in the parking lot might have been more dramatic.You portrayed the sense of urgency really nicely towards the end- I like the idea of an escape- maybe it could take on a hunter/hunted storyline but a clue as to where they might go would help kick start chapter 5 and give the next guys something to chew on! Well written though!
Chloe

Hi Rocklee,
Some good stuff here! I liked the clock analogy- perfect for someone on death row. I think the suggestion of a secret society is fascinating- that could lead in so many directions- it could be an extremist faction of the church- or Preston could be using the church as a cover-clever addition.
Sometimes, however the sentence structure felt awkward to me, and the word usage didn't really read right- the word breach was repeated a few times, I recall.
The ending was strong and nicely worded suggesting all of the people depending on Adara for help- added to the pressure to find the killer!
Chloe

I really liked this chapter! It seamlessly picked up from the last one in tone and details- loved the GPS addition "you have arrived"! I'm impressed you used the vivaldi reference from her ringtone from the last chapter and tied it in by having her tune into a classical music station- I think little details like that really keep characterizations consistent and story lines coherent and believable.
I like the way you spoke a little about Adara and Paige's relationship and Adara's concern how her "gift would affect her daughter and her upbringing. Loved the Ken character - doesn't everyone have a neighbor like that(lol) One thing that puzzled me though, was Adara's nonchalant reaction when an unknown car had stopped by her house, after the events of the day, I had trouble with that.
The ending was a zinger! I liked the inclusion of the article about Adara as well- it suggests how the killer may have tracked her down but leaves it open ended as to what the article was about. What a hanger- the killer is right under her nose- puts the pressure on the next gang to pick up the pace even more! Bravo!
Chloe
p.s. we vegetarians are fine with veggie trays!

Hi Misty,
You had some great lines here! The "counseling at Walgreens line or if a man you never met buys you kotex -that's classic -(although I'm surprised Adara didn't get more agitated by that)That did a great job lightening the mood and showing that Adara was in control of herself enough to make a joke.
I think her suspicion of the lawn trimmer was pretty believable too- she was on hyper alert- and turning someone one sees everyday into a possible maniac spoke to the extent of Adara's paranoia - plus the metaphor of him being someone "on the edge" of society - did you mean that?
Her craziness did seem to run a little out of control as the chapter progressed- I almost wanted her to either mellow out and tell Paige the truth or have her anxiety justified by some huge crisis.
I do wish more had developed storywise-and I got that critique a lot with mine so I relate- just to give the next gang something new to work with. But overall really nice writing!
Chloe

Thanks Silver- That would be great! it's still too early to make sense to anyone but me (lol). I don't mind if anyone reads it- could we post a drafts to get feedback or is it very hush-hush!
Chloe

Thanks!
Could you possibly write a completely new story- start to finish, involving your idea- not taking from visigoth's start of course- for the horror anthology project short story collection?Anything swarming is a pretty scary idea so I think it would work with the genre.
Best of luck- would love to read it!
Chloe

ooh delicously creepy! yet in some odd way a sympathetic character! What a unique way to do horror- lots of blood yes, (lol) but not the usual type! (no pun intended)!
Chloe

ps sorry about the typos!

I really like the way this was written!

The first paragraph nicely recapped the events from the preceding chapters, reinforcing the storyline and helping tie the different elements together. It also gave the reader a moment to breath while clarifying the timeline of the plot so far.
The attention to detail, ie Adara thinking about the logistics of access to phone contact numbers made for a very believable thought process.

You also did a great job conveying the harsh austerity of the prison "steel door, stools bolted to the cement floor, wire mesh window etc.." without seeming overdramatic or resorting to cliche'd descriptions.
Loved the line "I looked down to validate the presence of my hands and feet" when describing her "invisibility".
Father Preston's coded use of bible verses to communicate was ingenious!
The only drawback I could see was that I wanted to keep reading! (not necessarily a bad thing!lol) I've been critiqued on this a lot- so I relate- but the chapter didn't introduce much new information. The connection with Father Preston and Miguel was established previously so I guess I'd just like to see an elaboration on the nature of that relationship and how it relates to the "big picture". I'm not saying a lot of "action" is necessary, just a new developemant or something a bit more substantial for the next group of writer's to build off of. I really look forward to reading more of your work. I find your style of writing has a wonderful flow and rythym and descriptive quality. It's like good acting- when it's that good you get so lost in the story you don't even notice it! To continued success!
Chloe

Haha! Thanks! I thought so! I'm working on one but don't know if its "horror" enough (lol) My threshold for terror is pretty low so I wondered if I should submit it or if I was completely barking up the wrong tree...woof...woof. Thanks!
Chloe

Oh! I see where you're going! Love it! for some reason, I was reading more the soundwave aspect- I was watching a show on space which talked about how all of our radio and TV signals are somewhere out in space- I got thinking about some alien- listening to leave it to beaver.different sounds inducing different trance-like states/behaviors. I was hinting at something sort of sci-fi- how "intelligent Life" could control we minions with an inocuous plastic box- thus the astrophysics reference- I think visigoth wrote a great start - the scariest tales are of the commonplace things in our lives taking on a life of their own- for evil purposes hahaha (insert cliche' evil laugh) I'd love to be involved with a multi-author storyline- wonder how that could work? any ideas?- I guess the beauty of mashing on the other hand, is that each writer"reads" a story differently- like ten people witnessing a car accident- everyone sees things through their own lens, I love seeing storylines go in a direction I never would have pictured. But I really love your swarming idea- that flew right over my insect-phobic head! maybe you write a revised chapter-a little longer? best of luck!
Chloe

Thanks so much honeygloom,
I liked the first chapter so much I gave chapter 2 a go. I tried to hint at a connection there- I know it seems a little obvious...but its not set in stone if anyone wants to pick up this chapter. Had a little trouble trying to write a french accent too! Channeling Pepe la Pew! Thanks for reading and giving your feedback!
Chloe

Hi Dwanehoover
FYI - I for one was never a cheerleader! and don't know nashvilleb(winner round2) was but would assume he wasn't either(lol). I just found the site about a month ago and was the new kid on the block. I assure you its not a popularity contest - or knowing noone, I wouldn't have won -I found if I tried to comment on other people's work- which I was nervous to do at first- they'll most likely read and comment on yours out of curiosity, if nothing else. I have a few stories noone's read yet either. Hope you stay in the game!We nerds have to stick together!
Chloe

Hi everyone,
Are the short stories submitted available to read on the site or do we have to wait for the book(lol)?

Hey Silver,
How do I find it?
Chloe

Hi Rocklee,
I have to say as we are all "creative" types, I really don't know if the idea of all these rules and restrictions would work. Personally I really value the little bit of free time I have to devote to reading and writing on storymash and don't particularly want that time to be dictated by guidelines. I get enough of that at work!(lol) Also, I usually try not to read other's entries before submitting mine as it can cloud my own train of thought. After I submit mine I read just a few stories at a sitting so I don't get "chapter overload". I wouldn't worry about the number of votes a story gets - three great votes still beats out ten marginal ones. I do agree that as a courtesy people who vote should leave a comment- however brief- as that is the only way we can really improve any weaknesses in our writing. I know how valuable the feedback I received has been. I really hope you continue on with this contest as there are plenty of chapters left to showcase new talent! Best of Luck!
Chloe

Hiexpression,
This ending made Paiges's ability to be at the murder site so immediately much more believable- I think the time/space travel concept added a new "dimension" (sorry for the pun) with lots of possibilities. Your other entry was strong too. Still slight confusion on the stumbling up the stairs exchange- but like the bacground on Adara and Franco's relationship that you included in both! two nice entries!
Chloe

Ha, that's true! I don't know much about concealed weapons(lol)- that's a tricky one! You wrote such a great chapter I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Chloe

Thanks! welcome hope you join in!
Chloe

Thanks! I hope you didn't think the Dan Brown comparison was a put down- I've lost a lot of sleep reading his books!(lol)
Chloe

Ahemmm...is this directed at a certain someone who didn't get the memo that chapters should all be written from the same point of view?(lol) Think of it as an added artistic challenge!

Chloe...or I...or Chloe

Thanks Persepnone!
You set the wheels in motion for an exciting ten chapters!
Chloe

This was fantastic! I really liked these people!-It was terrifying without any of the usual horror cliche's. Well crafted!
Chloe

Really Well done! ...and a little "romance" to boot! The details made this chapter really connect with those previous-from the CPAP machine (still don't know what that is?) and the use of the same officer Romero at the desk etc. Having Adara recognize father Preston's name on the visitor sheet was an ingeniuos way to tip her off to his involvement.The twist with Miguel was dramatic but I'm almost sorry to see him out of the picture. Gruesome description- Do you read Dan Brown? (lol) Lots to go with here! Bravo!
Chloe

Wow! You have a great way with words! Loved the queen of the jungle line! Like a mother animal protecting her young! You did a great job portraying her addiction also- you sensed her desperation and felt her anguish but at the same time I don't know if she would want to try to stop her dreams at that particular moment as they possibly held the clue to protecting her daughter. Nice analogy with the wolves, hunter/prey metaphor.On a logistical note- would two butcher knives fit in her jeans?- pretty uncomfy(lol)or did she have some kind of holder for them? I'll have to reread when I have more time-but I'm literally on the edge of my seat! Spine tingling!
Chloe

Can't wait to read it! I totally forgot to mention that zinger at the end! Fabulous!
The logistics with the time needed for Paige to get to the murder site might be tricky but I do think it would be very much in her characterto do something like that. She was raised by a strong independant mother and she's a teenager (rebellious of course) I don't think she would see the dreams just a nightmare because she's fully aware of her mother's visions -it would be realistic that she would assume she'd start having them too and want to help her friend! I'm so excited for the rewrite (my new contact lenses will be in!)

Oooh! Loved the smooth segue and brief exchange with Miguel and Father Preston. Also loved the background on Franco and Adara's relationship and her hesitancy to become involved with anyone due to her visions- nice conflict. For some reason I really liked that Franco was a chef? I don't know why- maybe its just works with his nurturing seeming nature. You mentioned you were revising it- the only part I got snagged on was the part about Paige falling up or down the stairs- it confused me a little-but I have to reread it- with new contacts in. Also loved the details that make the characters so human like the tinkerbell pajamas- I guess I'm just into details! Congrats on another great entry- you wrote this in 20 minutes?!
Chloe

Wow, I got goose bumps!!! loved how you contrasted the intimacy of the moment with the chaos of the ER. Also it really spoke from the heart (sorry about the cliche')very sincere. Loved the line about where mother ends and daughter begins (did I get that right?)It seems like it could be comlpete as is, or mashed and picked up with the daughter's new perspective! what did you have in mind?

Thanks Silver- reworking things now-anything I can do before I hit publish?

Hi Silver,
I hope you contribute!, I think there are only two so far. I skimmed them and they're pretty amazing!- but it's fun to have a bunch to compare. What's H.A.C.?- I'm the new kid on the block (lol)
Chloe

haha! Thanks, you're it!

Thanks Silver,
That's funny you had a similiar idea- it would have been fun to read!
I know people worry about moving the story forward a lot but I have to disagree a bit.Ten, commandments + ten chapters = ten murders- a far too predictable way to go, especially for a group as creative as this. I think the reader has to get to know, and identify with the characters before they can care about what those characters are doing. Too much action, action, action loses its impact. A roller coaster needs its peaks and valleys. Plus, I can't say I'm much of a fan of gratuitous violence (reading or writing it) so I tried for more suspense. I know my favorite part of Hitchcock's movies are the ones where "nothing" seems to happen. Oh, well seven chapters more! Thanks, I love getting feedback. Can't wait for the chapter fours.
Chloe

Thanks dogdeity!
I'm really excited to have won! Now I can enjoy reading the other chapters- no pressure (lol) but I will miss contributing! That's the fun part! Thanks for your encouragement- I'm still navigating my way around the site but would love to get in on some other projects! I really hope you'll contribute a chapter 4! all the best.
Chloe

this is a nice continuation!- love the presence of the painting looking down on him- almost like another character in the story!

haha- I hear Nash is the gold standard-I was shocked myself!

Many Thanks for selecting my chapter! I'm surprised and thrilled to pieces! I was in some pretty good company! So excited to see where these talented writers take the story from here- almost makes me wish there were more than ten rounds. Thanks again for everyone's feedback and insight- this is a really supportive place to hone my skills. Happy Writing!
Chloe

Thanks Honeygloom,
Actually I am a little dyslexic(lol) Many thanks for the positive feedback. I'm thrilled to have been chosen the winner.

Thanks DwayneHoover!
Can't say I'm up on "streetwalker" fashion so I kind of let my imagination go with that one!(lol)- Can't wait to read the next installments.
Chloe

Many Thanks theblackhand!,
I'm really excited to be part of this site. I know there are a lot of seasoned writers out there and the feedback and critiques I've received have been invaluable already. I'd like to try to really stretch my very rusty writing wings. Hope you plan on writing a chapter four- I've got goosebumps already!cheers!
Chloe

Many many thanks writerwannabe!
I'm a little surprised but really excited! Thanks for you constructive feedback and encouragement over the last two chapters.Can't wait to read the next round!
Chloe

Thank You Shadowedpen!
So sorry about the mix up in point of view. I really don't know what happpened -No,it wasn't an artistic device on my part - just a big oops!
I can only suggest to write in whatever person you feel the most comfortable with and whichever you feel continues the story coherently. I definately didn't mean to add more of a challenge to an already tough competition. Mea culpa. I'm a bit new at mashing but with each attempt I get to learn how to improve my writing and fine tune things I never would have thought of. Thanks for your feedback- I'm really excited to read the 4's. By the way your Chapter three was an outstanding entry!
Chloe

Many Thanks expressionarchtect! I really thought you had nailed it- after all, you won the popular vote! Thanks for your support and feedback! Looking forward to reading the chapter 4's!
Chloe

Thanks so much! This is the first story I found focusing on the art world- what a wealth of possibilities there! glad you enjoyed my addition- hope maybe yourself or someone continues it on.
Chloe-

Thanks expressionarchitect!!!
I was going a bit crazy writing in that miniature box- (plus I realized my spelling errors far outnumbered everyone else's.) I Probably should have thought of that (slaps self on forhead)Thanks so much- and congrats on a great Chapter 3!
Chloe

Thanks so much!- it's just a draft but I really liked the premise behind chapter one and two- could be fun mash!

Thanks Katrina,
That's a great point about the shortcut to the school- I wanted to start off with a lot of tension but if readers are wondering what kind of mother the character is instead- that's an oops-same with the change in point of view. I'm not sure why I did that(?)
I did want the dialogue with the teacher to sound slightly awkward as Paige might have been nervous confronting Sister Margaret but I may have not communicated that effectively :(
On a practical note- this may sound stupid but is there a spell check on the page used for writing on this site? It's my lifeline on Word!-I've been writing in the box provided but do most writers use another program and somehow cut and paste? I'd like my writing to be as unencumbered as possible and let the reader focus on whether or not they connect with my story and not be destracted by my typos.
As always- a great learning experience for me. Thanks again for your insight.
Chloe

Many thanks theblackhand! I had fun getting in touch with my dark side(LOL) Best wishes to you too- I was a little hesitant putting stuff up there- your work is a force to be reckoned with.

Never mind- I think the comment before mine just answered my question (lol) Best of luck!

Hi dogdeity11,
Congrats! I can't listen live today- is the show archived? Would love to hear it.
Chloe

hi VinnieP.
Loved,loved the zinger at the ending! It really tied everyone and everything together- the school, Paige, the phone call,etc,! I liked the way you portrayed Franco also, with the comment about "ok mystery woman"- very believable and spoke a lot to his frustration and alienation. Nice addition.
Chloe

Hi thabeave,
Oooh! you really made the killer diabolical! His savage sort of clumsiness (running into the the tree branch with Paige-I'm assuming) gave him a wild ogre-like quality and setting him among trees or in a forest(?) added to the feeling he was maybe half man/half beast (to use a cliche'). This makes sense considering Adara's initial vision of the killer was set in a cave in the first chapter. I wasn't sure if it would be in his character to make that eerie phone call though- that seemed too subtle and manipulative for someone who howls in the woods- not that the abductor and the caller were necessarily the same person- maybe it suggests he could just be the "brawn" and a more potent "brains" is at work here.hmmmm Definately kept the adrenaline up! A fun read!
Chloe

Hi Ellybee,
Really liked your take on the nine/nona reference introduced in chapter one and the use of the symbolism of the women's names- makes me want to grab a book on Norse mythology! Great hanger at the end- the potential to introduce a suspect already connected with Adara's past- who is it???
Chloe

Hi Writerwannabe,
nice addition! I really liked the detective's character and making him Native American suggested to me he would be more open to her spiritual side-( I know I'm stereotyping here) Also liked the description of the esp "signals". Having the suspect watched or tailed could open the possibility to shift POV too. :)
Chloe

Thanks so much Vivicaliqueur!

So glad you liked my chapter and thanks for sticking up for Father Preston (lol)- I definately was going for "ominous" with him and thought his connection to the church would up the ante.
Chloe

Thanks dogdeity11
Thanks so much! I'm really glad you related to my style of writing- I know some readers commented they would have liked to have seen more excitement- understandably considering the genre - I guess I need a class in "action writing 101"- but I do feel some of the most compelling parts of a story can be the "down time" to get inside the character's head or develop a sense of place- and in this case, Vegas is almost a character unto itself.
I get a real kick out of your TV associations-24 csi, because I'm a pretty devoted discovery, nova kind of girl (Ok and project runway!)- and I did take your comparison as a compliment lol- hey, those shows did pretty well for themselves, they must be doing something right. Thanks again for your positive feedback.
Chloe

Thanks so much! Sorry about the ending- I think it seemed eerier in my own mind than it may have read to others. Definately something I need to keep in mind. I really wanted to delve more into the psyche (I know pretentious word lol) of the characters- I guess it just fits my style better, but I need to get out of my comfort zone and start trying to write some real action. Thanks again for your feedback! Can't wait to finish reading the other entries!
Chloe

expressionarchitect
I really liked the introduction of Esperenza Flores- great twist and the dream/esp connection there! Great hanger at the end- Bravo!
Chloe

Nashvillebecker
I'm really flattered!!! So glad you enjoyed it- your chapter was a very tough act to try to follow!

Sorry about Father Preston being a little overdone- (Yes, I had to google Dennis Farina lol!) I wanted to give his character just enough edge but admittedly went too far with it- he was just so fun to write as menacing. I initially intended for him to be a little more ambiguous or subtle and shadowy- even the potential to be an unexpected antihero- but I should have reined him in.
Sorry about the typos too- I think my cat has literary ambitions(see comment 1) and in an effort to remove her from my keyboard- pushed "publish" a little too soon. But feline intervention aside, I still am a lousy typist and even worse proofreader! mea culpa.
You and Persephone put the wheels in motion for some really interesting possibilites. Thanks again for really taking the time to critique my work. This is my first storymash contest and I've gained so much from everyone's feedback already. I'm sure you'd do just fine without your socks!
Chloe

Hi Honeygloom,
Thanks so much. I tried to make the villain sinister but may have hammed him up a bit-I don't think I've written a villain before so that's good advice to watch out for- they're harder to portray believably than I thought. Thanks again, I try to put some bright spots in there to balance to doom and gloom.lol!
Chloe

Thanks Vinnie P,
So glad you liked it. I guess I did sort of slow things down a bit and with only ten chapters maybe I should put in more "action". I definately tried to plant a suspect- or is he? lol! Thanks so much for reading and commenting- feedback is really helpful as I'm new at this. Cheers!
Chloe

mcrum24
Thnaks so mcuh! haha! I did click the publish button a little sooner than I'd meant- (my cats help me type-see comment 1) but even so I'm a lousy typist and proofeader. Thanks for understanding and so glad you enjoyed my work.
Chloe

Thanks Persephone,
I keep forgetting it's only ten chapters so it should move at a faster pace than a traditional novel. Good Point about the tension. I did want to stay away from the abduction idea, although I pondered it for a while, as I figured it might be a little expected, but something else equally explosive could have worked to resolve the tension from chapter two. Thanks again , your feedback is always insightful and appreciated.
Chloe

Hi expressionarchitect,
Thanks so much! To be honest, I wasn't really exactly sure where I was going either at times. lol! I hope it didn't seem too long winded. I can't wait to read the others-now that mine's out of the way. This is loads of fun- so glad I stumbled on the website.
Chloe

Ooops! I hit publish by mistake when my cat trotted over my keyboard! It was basically done but the name was going to be Thou shall not kill- a voice in the darkness.

Thanks Ericswyatt and my deepest apologies for the insurance comment! Some of my best friends sell insurance! lol! I really liked your chapter and kept thinking that underneath all that "biegeness" Annabelle still had some spunkiness lying dormant and maybe even a checkered past. I was hoping you would continue Chapter one. Happy Writing!
Chloe

Thanks silver,
Sorry about the punctuation- I think I need to get someone to proofread my work- I get caught up in the storyline and my typing is abysmal! I did try to create a twist away from what might have been predictably expected after chapter one, not directly following the ten commandments theme- but maybe I was too out there. Oh well, this was my first writing contest and it was a lot fun. It's great to get constructive feedback too. Thanks for reading it!
Chloe

Hi Holly,
Thanks! I personally think Sanchez is telling the truth too...hahaha. I got differing opinions on the flashback scene. I think I was trying to put her "power" into some kind of context -show how she had to grow into this "gift" and how it makes her feel "different", contributing to some of her vulnerability, insecurity, as an adult. I like flashbacks to develop character but I'll have to watch how I can use them more effectively and as you mentioned ,less forced. Thanks, your feedback is very helpful!
Chloe

Thanks Katrina,
So sorry about the typos- My writing/typing skills are quite rusty as you can see but this seems like a good place to get them back in shape! I got different opinions on the flashback scene- I guess I meant to show, or hint at, the fallibility and evolution of this gift/ability and how she had to come to terms with its "power" to help people - maybe juxtapose her psychic "gift" with her training in medical science/pyschiatry. I definately didn't want the reader to feel rushed, I tried to include all my ideas but didn't want to be too lengthy or self indulgent for the one chapter format. I could have put in more breathing room to relax the pace a bit. Thanks for your constructive feedback- very helpful and gives me a lot of hazards to watch for in the future.
Chloe

Thanks so much writerwannabe(love the user name!)
It was a blast to write given chapter one!- I'm new at this but so glad you felt it was a good continuim for the story- Everyone took it in so many fascinating different directions. I definately wasn't going for the TV drama vibe but considering the suspense/slightly supernatural genre, I felt I could push the reality envelope a little. Thanks again, happy writitng.
Chloe

Great chapter! loved the cynical tone of the narrator! The reference to being an MD and his seeming apathy and lack of "ambition" make you wonder what went wrong before we get there...can't wait to see what develops. As a cat worshipper- glad the cat was OK!- otherwise I would be writing an entirely different comment.

Thanks VinnieP. Looking back you're probably right. I tried to keep the sort of tone of the first chapter, I guess it reads more like a cahracter study.Hope someone picks up the original chapter- ericswyatt wrote a great start.

Hi Dogdeity11,
Thanks so much for your feedback! It was loads of fun to write and I'm new to Storymash so I'm sort of cutting my teeth on this collaborative stuff. I realize I might have gone more with the ten commandment theme. Also admittedly it did read a little TV prime time! lol!- I got a bit carried away. It's funny you mentioned 24 and someone else mentioned X-files and I'm probably the only living person on the planet who has never seen either of those shows- time to hit blockbuster and rent a couple of seasons of each. Thanks again for your positive comments.Can't wait to see where this story goes.
Chloe

Thanks So Much! You gave us all such a great place start! I'm a newcomer here and I definately need some work as far as my editing and structure/readability issues. I did want to hint that Adara had stepped into something much more vast than she initially thought and suggest a deeper underlying connection between Miguel and Nona (so glad you got the tattoo reference!) That's a great idea about the street kids, I put that in to further establish his character as "gruff but heart of gold" - not to be cliche'-, but the fact that he could use his connection to them later down the line as "insiders" is a fabulous way to build on that and would seem perfectly credible! I love these collaborative efforts and how everyone took your story in a different direction- Thanks again- so excited to see where your story leads us!

Thanks so much for your feedback! that's exactly what I was aiming for with the doctor's conflict between her power and her insecurity and vulnerability. Also I tried to add a twist to Miguel's role, mentor is the perfect word for what I was hinting at! I'm new at this so I'm struggling with the editing and readability etc. but thanks so much! This is such a fun website!

Thanks for your support. It's nice to get constructive feedback. I've got some other ideas cooking - I published another and realize i made a few boo- boos too... even after rewriting it ad nauseum.

Thanks so much- i'd love to see what someone else does with from here!

Thanks Ericswyatt,
As you probably guessed I'm not a writer but I do love creating stories and your feedback was spot on.
1)It's been a while since I ran out of gas so I may have mixed up the experience with some other car fiasco that had left me on the side of the road...oops
2) I probably should have introduced Dave's name, even for those who read the last chapter as it would have reinforced the identities.
3) my typing is wretched and I struggled with some of the placements of new paragraphs. This is my first attempt on storymash- so hopefully practice will make...better.
4) I guess I meant that she appeared from the passenger side of his car. I pictured him maybe in the middle of the road but I should have clarified it as I could see it being confusing. I think I need to work on more of the physical details but I always feel too wordy when I describe too much and am afraid of boring a reader. I guess finding a good balance is key.
I hope someone picks up the next chapter- it would be fun to see where someone else would go with it. Thanks again for your constructive feedback- I think this website is such an original idea. I'll definately take another stab at it.

hahaha...sorry I'm a Pennsylvanian and I figured that Ohio was similiar enough- somehow I pictured her very glam coming from some big celebration... but you're right I should have thought of the place more.

fabulous suburban angst- can't wait to see where it goes...