Discussion of "Thou shall not Kill (2) Angels among Us" by chloe

I like this, kind of an X-Files-like twist. Well written and interesting. I like how you wrote the Dr. with feigned outer strength, but inner weakness. She’s tough and smart, but still unsure of herself. I like what you did with Miguel, giving him the possible angle of mentor to the doctor. What can I say, I like it all?

Thanks so much for your feedback! that's exactly what I was aiming for with the doctor's conflict between her power and her insecurity and vulnerability. Also I tried to add a twist to Miguel's role, mentor is the perfect word for what I was hinting at! I'm new at this so I'm struggling with the editing and readability etc. but thanks so much! This is such a fun website!

This is one of the best chapters I have read so far! (Editing aside). I loved that the doctor had an insider at the PD. I loved that he knew so many Vegas Kids...this could lead to gettign info they might not otherwise have a way to get. I love the tat with the nine flower petals...Nine for Nona and flowers for Flores. You get a sense that there is something deeper going on here when you read that. The twist at the end was unexpected but played out very nicely! I thouroughly enjoyed this!!!

Thanks So Much! You gave us all such a great place start! I'm a newcomer here and I definately need some work as far as my editing and structure/readability issues. I did want to hint that Adara had stepped into something much more vast than she initially thought and suggest a deeper underlying connection between Miguel and Nona (so glad you got the tattoo reference!) That's a great idea about the street kids, I put that in to further establish his character as "gruff but heart of gold" - not to be cliche'-, but the fact that he could use his connection to them later down the line as "insiders" is a fabulous way to build on that and would seem perfectly credible! I love these collaborative efforts and how everyone took your story in a different direction- Thanks again- so excited to see where your story leads us!

thank you for contributing!

chloe~ This was a dynamite chapter. Great job continuing to tell the story from Adaras POV.
I absolute love how you carried on and developed Adaras character. Nice flashback scene. Would be really cool if the ‘flashback’ turned into a recurring theme in this storyline. Maybe each one revealing a little more of her.
I thought it was really well written too. Some great lines like this: “We lay entwined, arms, legs, algebra books.”
Great job introducing and establish Joe’s character.
And the ending was a blast. Totally unexpected.
However, while I thought it was written really well I’m not completely convinced it was the right direction to take this storyline. I don’t know…it just seemed a little made for TV to me. Like it was an episode of ‘24.’ Which isn’t to say AT ALL, that I didn’t personally love it because it was one of my favorites. Again, I just don’t know if it’s the right way for this contest to develop.
But that will be up to everyone’s votes and ultimately the judges.
Whether this chapter wins or not I will be hoping that someone continues it.
I voted a four.

Hi Dogdeity11,
Thanks so much for your feedback! It was loads of fun to write and I'm new to Storymash so I'm sort of cutting my teeth on this collaborative stuff. I realize I might have gone more with the ten commandment theme. Also admittedly it did read a little TV prime time! lol!- I got a bit carried away. It's funny you mentioned 24 and someone else mentioned X-files and I'm probably the only living person on the planet who has never seen either of those shows- time to hit blockbuster and rent a couple of seasons of each. Thanks again for your positive comments.Can't wait to see where this story goes.
Chloe

WOW!! This was excellent, all the way around... character development, introducing new info, thrilling, on and on...lol. Normally, dogdeity and I see things alike..well, HE sees and I simply agree..lol. But, I have to decline to agree to his comment, "I’m not completely convinced it was the right direction to take this storyline. I don’t know…it just seemed a little made for TV to me." I think it's a great continuation of the first chapter and a great direction to take this storyline and, finally, the fact that it reads like X-Files or 24 is even better!! 5 points.

Thanks so much writerwannabe(love the user name!)
It was a blast to write given chapter one!- I'm new at this but so glad you felt it was a good continuim for the story- Everyone took it in so many fascinating different directions. I definately wasn't going for the TV drama vibe but considering the suspense/slightly supernatural genre, I felt I could push the reality envelope a little. Thanks again, happy writitng.
Chloe

The plot really seems to pick up here and I love the twist of the cops being in the action with Sanchez. Something about Sanchez makes me think he IS telling the truth. While I liked finding something out about Adara in the flashback scene, the pacing seems to drag down your chapter and slows us from getting to the action. Wasn't sure why at that exact moment she'd be flashing back to that scene, other than to convey that story to the reader, which seems a bit forced. Nice work overall!

Hi Holly,
Thanks! I personally think Sanchez is telling the truth too...hahaha. I got differing opinions on the flashback scene. I think I was trying to put her "power" into some kind of context -show how she had to grow into this "gift" and how it makes her feel "different", contributing to some of her vulnerability, insecurity, as an adult. I like flashbacks to develop character but I'll have to watch how I can use them more effectively and as you mentioned ,less forced. Thanks, your feedback is very helpful!
Chloe

For the most part, you have a solid writing style. However, throughout your chapter, it seemed like you were rushing to get to the end. Your punctuation got out of control, and there were typos galore (which, I acknowledge, didn't sway my vote--simply the rushed feeling did).

The flashback seems a little pointless, other than to simply point out that Adara was once called a freak/weirdo and that her insight came full force in her teens.

I really liked the relationship between Joe and Adara. Great chemistry there.

"They're all God's children...even the weirdos"--GREAT LINE!

Throughout the story, you switched point of view from first person to third person and back again. It became confusing to follow.

I love the implication that Miguel has a "second sight" as well. This could play nicely. It leaves a great number of possibilities.

Overall, good job!

Thanks Katrina,
So sorry about the typos- My writing/typing skills are quite rusty as you can see but this seems like a good place to get them back in shape! I got different opinions on the flashback scene- I guess I meant to show, or hint at, the fallibility and evolution of this gift/ability and how she had to come to terms with its "power" to help people - maybe juxtapose her psychic "gift" with her training in medical science/pyschiatry. I definately didn't want the reader to feel rushed, I tried to include all my ideas but didn't want to be too lengthy or self indulgent for the one chapter format. I could have put in more breathing room to relax the pace a bit. Thanks for your constructive feedback- very helpful and gives me a lot of hazards to watch for in the future.
Chloe

Good start, I think probably the most 'real' feeling of openers with Adara immediately after the end of Chapter 1. The flashback was real, too, and short and sweet. I liked the new turn you gave the story by the introduction of Detective Joe, and how you showed us some of his personality with the short anecdote. All going smoothly. Then you lost me. Obviously, you are introducing a major twist, but frankly I don’t see where you’re going or how this fits the basic premise given us in the first chapter.

I also have issues with your lackadaisical punctuation. Particularly glaring are the quotation marks, and this can really throw a reader out of your story.

Still, all in all, I like your pacing and the way you build drama.

Thanks silver,
Sorry about the punctuation- I think I need to get someone to proofread my work- I get caught up in the storyline and my typing is abysmal! I did try to create a twist away from what might have been predictably expected after chapter one, not directly following the ten commandments theme- but maybe I was too out there. Oh well, this was my first writing contest and it was a lot fun. It's great to get constructive feedback too. Thanks for reading it!
Chloe