Discussion of "Tighten Your Tie, Girl" by cherrryscented
JRosemary 5 years, 4 months ago
You have a lovely, smooth writing style that makes for easy reading. I have only one bit of nitpicking as far as grammar goes. You write:
“Can I go to the bathroom?” he looked at me in disbelief. I popped it again.
It looks like the professor is the one asking to use the bathroom. End the sentence with the quotation and then start a new paragraph with 'He looked at me in disbelief.'
I'm not sold on the characters yet--so far, they seem too stereotypical. The quarterback is an obnoxious jerk and so forth. That's an easy fix, though, if you add depth to them as the story continues.
I'm looking forward to more!
hidden comment from JRosemary with score of 2
cherrryscented 5 years, 4 months ago
thank you very much :)
hidden comment from cherrryscented with score of 1
ladyvike15 5 years, 4 months ago
I like it! Pretty good imagery, the flow was good, all in all great story
hidden comment from ladyvike15 with score of 1