His name...Jaxon Everything.
His occupation...rocking the **** out of your brain!
The man, who was born into this world as Peter Turnbladd some 45 years ago, first picked up a guitar at the tender age of 6, when his father trashpicked a cheap plastic toy guitar and brought it home to his son as way of reparations for forgetting to get him a birthday present. No one could ever really manage to get the damn thing in tune, let alone keep it there, but Peter loved it anyway. In an interview in "Your(i)Nation" magazine shortly after the release of his band's first album, Everything would credit that little guitar for the development of the unique tuning signatures that characterize The Balzacs' sound. "It was the greatest thing to ever happen to my life ever, that guitar was. My dad was a ****, but I love him for that. Spit on his grave."
Life was never the same for Jaxon Everything or the Balzacs after that first album, "Cock Milk Supernova". Everything got swept up in the decadence of the rock and roll lifestyle. Johnny Thunderclap, the original lead guitarist, was rumored to be so horrified by Everything's behavior that he quit the band and joined a Christian cult in Montana. No one has heard from him since.
The drummer, Cooper Price-waterhouse, died in a tragic gunfight during a home invasion he conducted after blowing all of his profits from their second album, "Hot Buzz Tub Nuts" on adult website membership fees. The band went into a downward spiral they never managed to get out of.
Everything seemed to hit at once: Critics bashed Jaxon Everything and the Balzacs as a fluke band that happened to get lucky on a gimmick. The band, on Everything's label "Tubalard Marmalade", stopped printing CDs because Everything felt that "mp3s are where its at". Complications such as Everythings' increasingly disruptive alcoholism and drug problems, as well as his severe OCD, ADHD, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, and adult-onset diabetes kept the band from touring outside of Los Angeles.
To compound things further, Everything decided not to replace their drummer because he said "it was the Led Zeppelin thing to do", so they continued to record and play without one. And perhaps worse than that, he replaced the original lead guitarist with a homeless Irishman who played the spoons...poorly.
Everything recorded one solo album after "Hot Buzz Tub Nuts", but for some reason decided to continue using the name "Jaxon Everything and the Balzacs". No one understood why. The album, "Milkshakes Brought Me to the Yard", would have been a complete failure, if not for featuring a supposed lyrical collaboration with famed recluse JD Salinger, who Everything claims to be a great friend. The lyrics (I've been **** on/You'll be **** on too/Damn it all to hell/The Cow goes moo) seem to suggest otherwise.
It has been 15 years since the release of that album, and no new material has followed. The world simply left Jaxon Everything in its wake. Here and there, a video will pop up on youtube showcasing a very homeless Everything engaging in a violent street altercation with the word "BumFights" tattooed on his forehead, but he is virtually unrecognizeable as the uber-sexed up rock star who terrorized vaginas and buttholes (girl buttholes) in the 80s and early 90s.
Other than Everything, the only member of the Balzacs that can be accounted for is the bassist, Shannon Gunterson Flick, who now lives in Santa Coalinga with her ex-husband and 6 kids (5 of which are rumored to have been fathered by Everything).
A recent quote by a very naked Everything during a chance encounter outside of a mall in Stockton, CA, went as follows: "Music is my life! I killed a man for saying otherwise. I haven't played a guitar in 10 years, but I don't even have to. I have a tattoo of one on my forearm. You wanna lick it?"
Oddly enough, sitting in a wheelchair about 20 feet from Everything at the time of the quote, was the homeless Irish spoonsman, who looked no less than 90 years old. Observers were unable to tell if the two were traveling together.