Discussion of "Insane Asylum Chapter 1: Heading Out" by blue_knight108

What a commercial! This reads like a teaser - read the real story to find out what happened. It contains a bombardment of shallow information to hook someone, but there's no real payoff. Like a commercial.

I wish there was a scene of the BIMI's unveiling in the late 19th century. Or present day kids chucking stones at pigeons on the statues. Or Dr. Benji testing how deep the human psyche can dive. Or a character sketch on Hope Gerard, showing (not telling) her motivation. You listed the ingredients for a fulfilling meal, but you stopped there. Crack that first egg and get cooking.

Two quick nits: (1) February 29 never happened in 2001. (2) "to look death in the face" has no merit at this stage. That would be like me jumping in my morning shower and fighting the fight of my life. If you use the biggies now without justification, they'll have no power if/when you need 'em.

-- Nash

Well, this story is fiction, so I think that any date is possible. Number two, I just had to get this out or it would bug me forever.

The premise is interesting, but it’s too short to really form an opinion on. The shifts in verb tense had me on the verge of insanity, so the length is rather fortuitous in that respect. I took a few minutes to edit and this is what I came up with as a way to clear the passive air. The first paragraph was hard to offer suggestions to, as I wasn’t clear what message you’re trying to send.

Disclaimer: It’s only a suggestion, feel free to do with it whatever you will.

August 3rd, 1889. The day the Brooklyn Institute for the Mentally Insane first opened its doors. The day when hope was precariously entrusted to the caretakers of the facility by its patients.
The institute was a beautiful, stone-statued monument curtained with happy hearts, compassion and love. Until, that is, a doctor named Benjamin Richards showed up and turned it into an asylum where strangled voices cried out and gruesome illness arose from neglect and unexpected prolonged stays. Insanity curled its fingers around the sane. And the only thing more gruesome than the death itself was the mutilating medical procedures.
Fast forward to February 28th, 2001. Nobody knew what became of the Institute or Dr. Richards; except for one girl. Hope Gerard strongly believed that the asylum was still active, its victims left without help or awareness.
"They think the asylum was closed down..." she said as she packed her bag in her home. "But they're wrong! I can still hear the voices. They are crying for help and I must save them!"
With that, she zipped her backpack shut and headed into the unknown.

i like it enough. are you going to continue the story?