Discussion of "Desertion" by artful_dodger365

Can I ask a question? Was this first written in another language? Have some words and phrases been processed through a text translator? I like the premise. There's plenty of tension building, but something's structurally amiss. I can't put my finger on it.

I give ya an ‘A’ for effort dude. Obviously English isn’t your first language. Normally I would ‘move on’ after stumbling along through just your first sentence…but I sensed that there was something there. It is clear to me that you have a talent for writing. You have ideas and you have emotions. Some of it just gets lost in the translation and punctuation issues.
Keep working at it!