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Discussion of "LOL" by amanwriter

2 UnknownEntity 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Lolfluenza .

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2 amanwriter 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Thanks so much for reading it. I recommend you add a chapter to it, you write very well.


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2 UnknownEntity 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Thanks, trying I guess . Your story is about something concrete . This is good . I can add something to yours, yes, but you'd probably want it to be as similar to the original as possible ?

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1 theblackhand 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

This is one of the most original and best stories I have read in a long time.
I am highly impressed.

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2 amanwriter 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Thanks all of you, You all are welcome to mash it thoroughly. Not that I have left much scope for it but still you can always try.
I also got featured as the sample chapter with this one. Wow! A big achievement for a 15 year old like me!


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2 luke570 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Nice story - and very original. I've seen a couple of people trying to pull this sort of thing off, but this by far the best.

The only thing I'd say is, try to make it a little shorter. I'm not saying everyone's a moron, but a lot of people get put off reading really long chapters. Also, it definetly means there's a lot more room to work with a mash. Even if it means splitting it into two chapters.

Still, this was one of the best stories I've read on here in a long while - so congratulations on being a featured story, and I look forward to reading more of your chapters.

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3 amanwriter 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Thanks so much. Actually I myself used to write shorter stories a year back when I was 14, I got so carried away with this one that it turned out to be huge.

More mashing projects coming up from here!

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2 tnbrewer 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Really nice! I loved how you gave a little (keyword - little) background and then jumped right into the action. The general public today wants more action and less time for background. You have incorporated that perfectly here! This has all the makings of being a "page-turner"! Congrats!

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1 amanwriter 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Wow thanks tnbrewer, I wish that I knew how I managed that. I know little or nothing about these things. That character in the story IS actually me, I am 15 too.


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2 shadinah 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

You're doing really well for 15! I did wonder - the begining of the story seemed a little off to me. I think what really got me was when he didn't realize he had a note on his finger until he looked in the mirror. But as the story went on, I grew more and more impressed. The plot idea is fantastic, and I think this could be drawn out even more in future chapters. 4.5 stars.

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1 demon_bordum 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

Sweet... totally awsome

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1 Vari 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

A few things that bugged me:

One: The previously mentioned bit about the note on his finger, which he did not notice until he looked in a mirror. That seemed unlikely.

Two: The idea that people who could crack his email account etc would have difficulty with maintaining a web site that sounded as relatively simple as this one did. The designing, I can see, but after that...

Three: The idea that these people (or just the one guy who contacted the kid) would find this student interesting.

However, despite all that, the story itself interested me quite a bit -- to the point that most of those complaints faded away once the initial setup had passed.

Nice =)

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1 Cheeseliker 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Too unbelievable for me. An assassin group finds a 15-year old interesting? This group could not find another way to get the website? An assassin group would trust this kid? These things did not stop bugging me and I quickly lost interest.
Don't get me wrong though, it is an interesting concept but I think it could've been made more believable if you changed some things around. Also, for a 15 year old, this is some good writing, just needs some polishing up. I'm not trying to put you down or anything, this chapter could just use some work.

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1 Persephonie 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

[I haven't left my computer idle ever since I learned HTML. It was great fun building websites for friends and have the whole world seeing them.]

As soon as I read this I knew I was in for a bumpy ride.

Try: I hadn't left my computer idle since the day I learned the secrets of HTML coding. Creating websites for friends and sharing them with the world was exhilerating.

Although the plot was indeed as original as anything I have ever read, I was too distracted by the switching up of tenses and grammitcal/ punctuation errors.

Some of the dialogue was bland while some of the "letters" seemed more intriguing. I would have liked more of the latter.

I gave it a 1.5. Needs alot of work.

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1 amanwriter 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

Thanks for the comments. Actually I too am fed up of writing good plots in poor language, so I ALWAYS prefer not writing as an author. I always take up the 'stupid-est' character and then write for it. It always works. No matter how badly I write I blame my shortcomings on the character. So there is NO use of fancy words or correct grammar. A 15 year old always writes like the style written in the story. So I request you to revise your ratings and give a little more rating to the 15 year old (dead) character in the story for providing a touch of realism with his poor writing style.

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1 Persephonie 8 years, 2 months ago Reply

If you take this to your English teacher and get a grade higher than a "C", I will eat my words and make a public apology. The intent of my comments are not to degrade you. There are many young writers on this site...and age gives no exception to quality. Not everyone can be as creative (like you), but everyone can certainly make an effort to clean it up...whether you edit it yourself or have someone else look at it. If this were for a college entrance exam or if you were submitting it to a publishing company, would you have put more effort into editing? Your name is everything. What you produce and how you produce it can carry you far or bring you down before you are even noticed. It's up to you. People enjoy reading clean work. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but sometimes we need to hear the truth in order to strive to perfect our work. I would rather you have that opportunity hear than have a publisher laugh in your face someday. I need it too...and actually WANT it. I do not expect that anyone will automatically take any of my personal aspects into cnsideration when rating my work. Now you have an opportunity. What you do with it, and how you take this, is all on you. You always have the option to edit and repost and ask voters to rate the new piece. :)

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