What's the difference between God and a Doctor?

God doesn't think he's a doctor.

I hate doctors. You wait for ages (hoping not to catch anything in the waiting room that's worse than what came in with). When you get your slot you get 5 minutes and I always forget something important - like "can I swim with it on?" or "what should I clean it with?". So I've started taking notes with me - just memory aids really - so I don't waste my precious 5 minutes.

 What if I only get a 5 minute appointment with God?

"Is that really you God?"

"Yes."

"What really? Are you the God?"

"Yes."

"Burning bush?"

"Yes, that was me"

"Created the world in 6 days, did you?"

"That was me too -although days were longer back then, you could get a lot done in a day."

I've arrived at the sugery and I'm spending the first half of the appointment finding out where my doctor studied and what grades he got in school.

You only get 5 minutes with God - don't want to waste it on crap. Better think of something really good to ask. Not just - "Can I still go to work with this?" or "How many days will it take to go down?".

Perhaps I should take some notes with me, just in case.

What do I want to talk about with God?

Don't really want to ask "Why am I here?" in case he tells me. Lets face it - "Why am I here?" is quite similar to "Does my bum look big in this". It's a question which no one really wants a truthful answer to. That is to say unless you're already running a homeless shelter or volunteering at a childrens hospital. After all you're unlikely to find out that God put you here to eat cheese, drink red-wine, and surf the internet.

I suppose I can't really turn a conversation with God into a money-making-opportunity. "So, what are the lottery numbers for Saturday?" probably wouldn't go down too well. I don't imagine God spends his Sundays studying the Racing Post, or reading the FT, so no point in asking for stockmarket tips or a pick for the 3 o'clock at Cheltenham.

The future. I'm sure I don't want to know about that. After all - what if I do get the big C and die before my son finishes school? Well the next 10 years will be so much harder if I know about it. And who wants to hear something like

"Oh you know, you're going to be fine."

"So... will I be rich or famous, or successful?"

"Well, not really - but you'll do OK. Middle management, you know, some good some bad. Pretty average really."

Dull. Dull. Dull. I'd rather keep the end destination a surprise - something exciting to think about to stave off the boredom of the journey.

So what the hell do I want to talk about with God?

Surely there are some questions he could clear up.

"So what gives popcorn its pop?"

Damn. Just found the answer on wikipedia.

What about suffering?

"Why is there suffering in the world God? Is it to punish us, or to give our lives meaning? Do you suffer with us? Do you cry when a young child is beaten to death or when an elderly woman is tortured and raped?

"Where are you when we scream and wail? When we strike out? When we swear and call on you? And do you care about the little things? The lost bag of fruit, or the torn photograph? Is it background noise against the terror and pain when an entire village is flooded, or the listless cries of a country trampled by famine, with no water for tears?

"Do you love me, God? Do you love me?"