He immediately imagined having sex with her. Something he did as a matter of course. Jack had never had sex, but he did have a great immagination. He only had to look at a premium rate phone number to feel aroused, no need to dial them up. Strangely it didn't work with freephone numbers - probably all those unsexy zeros.

"...help you".

Jack was paying premium rate for this call, so he really should listen. He listened.

"Hello Jack, how can I help you?"

She knows my name, how does she know my name. He thinks. "My name.." he mutters aloud.

"It doesn't matter what your name is sweetie, I'll just call you Jack. Now tell me what you'd like to know, or shall I do a reading?"

Silence.

"OK Jack, I'll do a reading. Would you like past, present, or future?"

Future - of course, he thinks. Why would I call a clairvoyant to tell me what's already happened? Although there was that fabulous pub he discovered on the way Epsom and had never been able to find again.. Still that seemed a fairly proseic use of the supernatural.

"I'll deal you three cards, the cards have many meanings, but these three together will answer your question".

"What question?"

"Everyone has a question, hunney, but lets work out the answer first shall we? Here are your cards -

The Hanged Man

So the Hanged Man hangs suspended from a living tree... usually means sacrifice, or looking at things from a different point of view..." The slight tone of "window-salesman" had crept into her voice, as if she was reading from a script, or rattling out a well-memorised incantation.

"He's suspended, so perhaps your life is on hold, and you're waiting for something to change?"

Well, yes, his life was on hold, and there wasn't even any crappy elevator muzak to listen to. But she didn't pause to let him answer.

"The second card is Death"

Sharp intake of breath. Death. Perhaps wetting the bed would turn out to be the least of his problems - although of course he should change the sheets every morning, in case the police should find his horrible mutilated corpse somewhere and need to investigate his life. That would be embarrasing. Especially if it was a policewoman.

"Don't worry Jack, death doesn't always signify the literal death of the flesh."

Not always, what sort of not always? It doesn't always rain in Dublin - but it will so bring a raincoat. Fine. Nothing to worry about, But did she mean the February-doesn't-always-have-28-days sort of not always, in which case 1 time out of 4 you die.

"Death often follows The Hanged Man and indicates change, shedding past beliefs, giving up bad habits, or sometimes a new job or a new relationship.

And your last card is The Devil

The Horned One is true evil. But in this position the devil means lust, or desire."

The Hanged Man, Death, The Devil. It didn't sound like he'd been dealt the nuts.

"OK Jack, so we need to put all three cards together to make your reading."

But Jack wasn't listening to the mystic any more. It had all become clear. He was the 200 lb heart attack victim. He was the caffeine junkie with a sleep disorder. The answer was obvious.

Jack needed to get laid.

"...Really feel in tune with you sweetie. Perhaps I can give you something else - a psychic prediction maybe? I'm good with weather. Do you want to know what the weather will be like on your birthday?"

"Will it be dry?"