Discussion of "Death Benefit..chapter 2" by alharris

I think you've done a good job here, al; but, I'm glad you haven't published yet so that I can get my two cents in, in the event you will take my constructive criticism to heart...;o)

The writing is very well executed and paced but...

First, I think you could develop the story a little further. About three quarters of your chapter is really only a reiteration, in slightly different form, from Djinn's original chapter.

I'm not sure why the officer referred to the son as OJ. His name is Jaime, so unless that's his middle name or you can work in why he's called OJ...I was confused on first read. Maybe it's just me.

Good work about the cop noticing the shovel in the car. I'm curious about it, though. Assuming that the plot involves a scam that the whole family has been working for years until now, and the son decides he's having no more of it; the shovel indicates that the father is in some kind of death like trance or coma and the son digs him up and revives him at some point. My point is...if the father is still in the morgue, it'll be days before he's buried (autopsy completed, transferred to funeral home, viewing, funeral, etc)..so why is he carrying around the shovel and why would that, now, be a vital plot move?

Collecting the insurance is an even longer process, so Jaime won't be skipping town any time soon.

Maybe, could be, I'm way off base...if so, slap me and tell me to shut up...lol.

I keep it in draft form for just this reason...to get feedback on whether or not it works for others as well as myself. The OJ comment is a Cop joke referring to the shovel found in the back of OJ Simpson's Bronco the day after his ex was brutally murdered. I'll take it out if it's too obscure. The number of rounds concerns me a little. Each new chapter need not significantly add to new plot directions...but create consistency, add a few new details, and leave the door open for the next masher to interpret without tying their hands. I do believe that the original intent was to have a father who really has been dead (5 times), gets dug back up and resurrected somehow. I don't get the feel that this is simply a family insurance scam situation. But I left it open to be led into either direction. If it turns out to be just an insurance scam then the shovel would have to be explained later by someone smarter than me (that shouldn't be hard).

Alles klar, mein Freund. Man, I should have caught the OJ comment...lol. I'll withdraw my concern, but it's up to you about leaving it in..of course..;o)

I see, too, what you mean about the number of rounds and your plotting scheme. Two things:

Thanks for indulging my attempt at being a critic and thanks for not taking it personal...;o).

I still think you did an excellent job!

Al, I liked the touches you put in: the "He'll always be with you" comment and the suspicious items in the car.

I noticed a change or two (the five month wait for the insurance check) with WWB's suggestions and I think they worked.

If there is no foul play involved and Jamie is next of kin, there may not be an autopsy.

I won't say anything more because I'm dangerously close to revealing my initial intentions for this story and I don't want to do that!

This is a great continuation that leaves plenty of room for mashing. Ready to post it yet?

One little thing I noticed, Al. The first chapter says the father's face is serene in death, but the continuation says he has a smirk. I don't know if you're going for an intentional facial movement or not, but I thought I'd mention it.

Small changes that made a world of difference, al. Great job. For my stack of dead presidents - publish it...;o)

I think my favorite part was him picking up the fly and blowing on it. It was so subtle, but that one part of the story, to me, could lead the plot for the rest of the Masher's Round.

Well done, Al!

All the credit for the 'fly' snipet goes to DJ. There's something special about DJ's main character that was subtly there in chap 1 and needs to be investigated and pulled out. The rest of the pulling I entrust to the rest of this truly fine group of mashers.

Loved the fly part too, so subtle yet speaks volumes. Magic mystery seems to be brewing more nad more, thank you for that. Everyone needs alittle magic in their life. The cop though -- seems to suspect to much (not talking about him noticing the shovel, just the vibe I get from the character) and I hope we see more of Officer Whatshisname, lol!

Fast version: First paragraph was very confusing, father is described as being dead and serene, dead and smirking, about to subject the other corpses to his smart-**** grin (not sure how when they are in body cabinets themselves, and also because it sounds as though the body would need to be dug up before resurrection). Lack of autopsy is completely unsatisfactory to me -- Jamie is still referred to as a kid -- this guy is likely only 45-55 years old, too young to just put down to "natural causes" without further investigation.

Like WWB pointed, out the shovel doesn't really make sense. He mentioned the timeline of how things would happen and why it didn't really work, but why would he have it in there at all? He wants his father to stay dead yes? So why not just leave him in the grave and not exhume him at all?

Loved the little moment with the fly. Wish it would have been a little clearer in the scene where it died though-- my first read though I thought it landed on the father and died because it touched him--wasn't until my fourth read through that I realized that the sheet was up and no contact was made, that the swat was what killed him. Bugger! The tiny resurrection was great though. It's nice you gave credit to djinn, but ultimately that tidbit came from your pen. Well done.

Really didn't like the line from the cop about how Jamie's father would always be with him. It seemed such an overly familiar and trite thing to say. And cops have a certain amount of experience in dealing with delicate situations like this, and are required to exercise a great deal of tact. While the phrase fit in with the whole rising-from-the-dead part of the story, it still has to be realistic.

I just didn't think this was up to the level that I'm used to seeing from you. The story didn't progress much, and approaching this as the person who is going to be mashing it next, I'm finding that there isn't much more for me to use than if I had just mashed off of djinns. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh. I just know you can do better.

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

One thing I really liked was the unspoken understanding that seemed to pass between Jamie and cop. You continued dropping clues about who Jamie is and what the snot is actually happening... but left it open enough for other mashers to play with. Nicely done!

One comment I forgot to make:

Honda... Prius...

Try again.

Big Oops!