Discussion of "Pals...chap 3" by alharris

Draft comment~ (cause I'm not good at waiting) Oh....wiping tears from the corners of my eyes, just publish it already it beautiful Al! I loved that"from Chicago" always followed Bob's name. Keeps the storytelling aspect strong. I was happy that you used the phrase, " H…E…Double hockey sticks..." we used that saying as kids all the time when we were within earshot. Just a funny reminder to the reader of their own childhood. Again the history facts were spot on, not to much not to little. (Hold on, I have to open another tab and go back to the story, I have more comments to add, LOL) Okkie dokkie, here I go again... the beginning threw me for all about a small heartbeat, I thought you were in "now" and talking about Grandpa's trip for breakfast and somehow thru in Sept. 11, but I was quickly brought back. I guess I skimmed too fast over the first sentence about the church bells. My favorite, and wonderfully written, paragraph was the one about Bob from Chicago's bullet wounds. Where and your character's actions, showing the class and such. A small suggestion, after that paragraph, the following few, I think you used "hockey buddies" a bit to much. I think that fact is all ready established to the enrapt classroom. I also think you need to take a second look on how you wrote this part and the continued part to it: "'With my grandpa’s finger in his belly button, Bob giggled
his last giggle. "
Before it, you wrote it was how his Grandpa told it, so if I was telling a story I wouldn't say 'dkk's finer' when talking about myself. Understand? I'm not sure how to get that across. Now I really want to go bravely throw potatoes at some one or thing! ;oP I think I'll stop blabbing now, you can delete this if ya want.

I love Okkie Dokkie!!!! One of the reasons I keep my stories as a draft as long as I do is so that I don't miss an opportunity to allow great comments like yours, LadyL, to help shape the story. Your perspective becomes part of the collaboration. I tuned it up a bit, hope you like it.

I am the least creative person on this site. I rely on facts I've read and stories told to me by others. I do a lot of reading and listening. For the most part this story is true. My only contribution is the young storyteller. Among the truths, among the stories within a story, is the fascinating case of Doris Miller whom I've briefly mentioned through the character of Robert Burrell. I'm hoping to see someone mash young Mr. Burrell's storytelling of the little known Doris Miller.

Thank you so much for reading and commenting, LadyL!

Good, I'm glad I could help and it's also refreshing to read something with a little fact. Would you do me a favor? Would you check out my newest chapters (Paranormal Research Prison Facility 1,2,3) and let me know what you think? I'd love to know what you think. I haven't gotten alot of comments on them and it's the first thing I've written in a long time. It's the first thing I've been excited about in a long time! I'll re-read this when it's published and let ya know what I think. I really hope this goes a long way for you.

Yea, it's published! Now everyone will see your wonderful story! I personally find it amazing that I can see the little changes here and there that I helped create...teehee! And, of course you knew I was going to give it a 5.

I'd rather score comments. Yours really helped make the story easier to read. An objective perspective is something that we all need. You get a 5.0!

It is my hope that no one else tries to continue this story but you... although it seems that in 3 chapters, the story is told extremely well.
And... I will never look at potatoes the same way... ever again.

It's OK if someone continues this thread. I do wish to see the Doris Miller story told. I will write new stories based on these same characters, but that's for another day. I have in mind converting this particular story into a play format. I even have some publicly archived photographs taken by both American and Japanese forces to be used in the play. If interested in reviewing the pix, email me at alharris@wayne.edu.

I want to thank everyone for reading and commenting. Thank you very much.

Very nice! I really liked it!

Ahhh, alharris-this is so, so good. I read this twice, then went back and read all three chapters again. Definitely one of my favorite things I’ve come across on SM. The story alone is worthy of the highest praise. Beyond that, your characters, your dialogue, the setting you created…it all came across to me so vividly. It was honestly moving.
I think this should win some sort of award. Thank you for you sharing.

Thanks Dog! Your high praise is all the award I'm aiming for right now. Thanks to Everybody else who enjoyed the story as well, especially those of you who commented! I'm pretty geeked that this site is attracting damn good writers, you Dog being one of 'em. I'm just doing my best to keep up.

Whew! Remarkable story (telling), al! You have truly exceeded the standard here on SM. Man...once again, I'm speechless. This is so, so good (to reiterate dog's comment)...;o)

What a great feat of storytelling over three chapters! You really managed the story within a story masterfully, winning over a classroom entrenched in childhood antics, a skeptical teacher and a young boy learning how to bring history to life. I am interested in this idea about the play format of this story and the publicly archived photographs.