Discussion of "Jerry's Adventure...chapter 3" by alharris

It carries the theme that goes with the 3 pieces. I really like it. Now it would be good if Jerry was a detective or something in the end.
But overall good story.

LMAO! Perfect Al! I really liked Donna, can't wait until you publish it. The only tiny concern of mine would be Donna calling Jerry "kiddo" it matches her personality, but I don't imagine her using it for him. All the other pet name she threw out there were excellent though! Loved the last part, poor pittiful Jerry, when will he learn? lol

Replaced 'Kiddo' with 'Sugar-pie'...any better suggestions out there? I'm not in love with 'Sugar-pie'. Honey-bunch? Baby-cakes? Sugar-cane?

Donna turned out to be quite a surprise, al, and I loved how you first continued, and then gave a little twist to Jerry's character. So, now we have a dominant porno store owner, submissive Jerry, bad **** Gel and an ex-hubby shooting the place up! If that ain't kick **** creative writing, I don't know what it!!! LOL. Loved it, my friend. I don't think you "missed" anything!

Donna was a surprise to me as well and that is what makes mashing a great thing. I was pleased to see you brought in the ex-husband, as I just briefly mentioned Donna was no longer married.
Good catch.

Just my two cents: "Sugar-pie" seems... awkward. Have you considered a one word endearment, Sugar?

Sweet! Sugar it is. And with that I'll publish. Thanks DJ.

Favorite line: Jerry finally removed each eyeball from where they were wedged between both firm breasts. (I've read this twice now and laughed out loud both times at this line.)

Great job, Al. I loved the dialogue between Jerry and Donna and the addition of a dire situation at the end. You raised the bar another notch or two with this.

Donna's got quite the personality! I was a little surprised by how country-blunt she is, with Jerry's more relaxed nature, but it fits - and makes the awkwardness that much more hilarious.

*sigh* Reading everyone's comments, I feel like I'm missing out on something.

First of all, I thought that Jerry ended up being almost cartoonish-- in the other chapters i saw him as a man out of his comfort zone and trying to deal with the embarrassment of it. The frequency of the stuttering was a bit much. At first I thought Donna was way over the top, and in my first reading I had thought you'd given her an accent, but rereading I see you avoided that. Several readings later I thought you made her work -- also it helped that she was almost fully your character to develop. And I rather liked the end, with Jerry's inappropriate reaction, Donna's frustrated reply and his even more inappropriate follow up. I thought that was a great little moment, and it gave you a chance to show a man who has been teetering along on the edge of what he can handle, and when things get even worse then suddenly even that previous embarrassment was suddenly much preferable. I liked that idea so much that I followed it up in my own piece.

Also, I was totally blindsided by the violence -- it's your chapter to do with what you will, but it took the story in a rather extreme new direction. I dislike it, but that is probably my own taste speaking out and maybe not a flaw so much in your writing. It really shattered what seemed to be the flow of the piece up to that point, but then again, that kind of situation would shatter anyone's day/life/whatever. It was totally your call to make, and I respect that.

Ew factor -- am I to understand that some returned a USED...um, vibrating dildo?... to the store, and they're going to REPACKAGE it and put it back on the shelf??? Please tell me if I'm reading that wrong. I could be wrong, but I think in some states, that kind of action is against the law.

And to satisfy my own curiousity... Charles Bronson?? WTF? I couldn't figure that one out, so did a bit of research, even recruited a friend to help. All she could find was a rather disturbing piece of film footage. An explanation would be GREATLY appreciated. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to leave now and wash out my brain with Listerine.

Okay chapter, but I still think I'm missing what everyone else sees. Sorry

Never apologise for your honesty. Such commentary is welcomed by any writer willing to listen to the reader and reevaluate his or her own work. I am fortunate to have you following me in that regard. This isn't the first time my writing has inspired you to tell it like it is. I am flattered. It inspires me to continue to give my audience something to comment about. Criticism is a wonderful opportunity to work on the old thick skin. (Emphasis on old) If you didn't like this, or Death Benefit, I truly and honestly look forward to your critique of Dirty Laundry.

Al, I've seen examples of your high quality of writing. I'm glad you have had such a positive attitude toward my critiques, and I'm happy to say that subsequent readings of your chapter have definitely further warmed me to it. And as you've stated, I just want to see you consistently reach that high standard of writing for every chapter that leaves your pen. I care about that. :)

And I'm very eager to see your next chapter!

What are the odds that I agree with Ace?

First, I've never seen someone write a stutter well. It's distracting. Once, maybe twice for nerves and I can overlook it. Use it consistently and it becomes a literary splinter that scuffs the pacing.

The gun... Why? You know what? It's not even the gun that bugs me. It's the "smell of gun powder and blood." So now someone - most likely Gel, as her scream was silenced with the first pop - was shot and the story changes from embarrassment/discomfort/awkwardness to self-preservation and overcoming danger. Yes, it ups the ante. But I would've preferred the ex (who I finally named Mickey, because characters have names, dammit!) even holding the gun and threatening without firing. Negotiations have flexibility and open-endedness. It's not a mystery if they know the killer and the only goal is to escape alive. To poorly paraphrase Hitchcock: "Action is blowing something up. Suspense is knowing there's a bomb in the room."

Good structure to have Donna get custody. Disturbing to reshelf the Bronsonator, but entertaining touches. (In early thoughts, I used Death Wish and The Great Escape in mine, but they didn't make the final cut.)

You end with edible underwear? I disagree. Out of place.