Discussion of "Flatline: Chapter 2" by ajk5

Greetings ajk5 and thanks for the Mash.
I’ll start by saying that I rated you a 5. I thought your continuation was heartfelt and stayed true to the confusion of the narrator. Your writing is really good.
I suspect since this is one of the ‘clock’ chapters that there may be additional MASHs to ‘flatline’ that take the storyline in wildly different directions. While I encourage that and look forward to it…I can say that for me personally, I love the direction you went. The anti-climatic result lends to the overall somber feel. It’s almost as if…the narrator is failing again. First the relationship…now this. Maybe there was never real intention there to begin with…we will never know.
I thought it was perfect.
Be advised that there are some ‘tense’ issues though. Changing from present tense to past tense…back and forth…throughout the whole piece really.
Example: “I could feel the cold metal of the firearm tingle against my fingertips. I curl my fingers around the gun.”
It was still fantastic…you just have to watch out for those, as they tend to be a bit distracting at times.
I loved this part:
I envy the salty drop. I wish I could be the tear, sliding down the gentle curves of Maggie’s face. In our tears, a common ground. A paradoxical bond of sorrow wrought from happiness, connecting our souls. The link fades into the mysterious abyss of my soul.
Excellent work!

I agree, great continuation here. You keep the same somber troubled voice that was in the first chapter.

I love the last line. "Now, I am left with Ramen noodles, God's gift to the poor and desperate." Classic! The rest of the chapter was extremely well-written. Just great. Good job!

5 for you

Gotta agree with Jack - the last line was priceless. The story was filled with some excellent prose; a little more verbose than I usually like, but well done nonetheless. The emotions were good: I could feel the angst in the main character and the defensiveness in Maggie.

Thank you all, I noticed the tense issues after I published, but I will note this on future stories. Your input is great, and I look forward to future participation on storymash.

ajk5...not sure how I missed this and a couple other chapters you've written, but....
This was excellent. I am something of a fan for dogdeity's writing style and your mashed fit almost perfectly with that style. I wouldn't worry about minor grammar or tense issues. If you're like most of us, we write these things in warp speed...lol. I'm almost as happily surprised at the typing skills as I am the writer's imagination. Five Points!

Thanks!