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Rhyming Short Story (Senior Project Need critique)  by agnl

There was a town called Petuniaville and in that town there was an old old candy shop with a strange blind old man. Every day little Timmy would get picked on by Erik, the big mean bully. "ow!" little Timmy yelped. "Let me go!" Erik the bully laughed at Timmy. "I just wanted to buy some candy!" Erik thought for a moment then said "So.. you have money to buy candy?" Little Timmy looked up at Erik, wondering aloud "Yeah..?" Erik got a mean grin and barked "Gimme it!" Timmy emptied his pockets and handed it all to Erik, and Erik greedily shoved it all into his pockets and stepped into the candy store, saying in an angry voice "I wanna buy..!" Erik stopped in awe of all the amazing candy. What would he choose? "Uhh.. I'll have.. the gum drops.." The candy man nodded silently and felt around for the gumdrops on his giant counter. At that moment Erik realized that the candy man was blind. Erik suddenly had a genius idea, "If the candy man is blind," Erik thought to himself "That means that I can take all the candy I want, and he'll never notice!" Right as Erik was thinking this he looked over at the candy man's huge counter and saw something he had never seen before; there was a gold box with an amazing velvet ribbon tied in a perfect bow. As he looked at it he could almost smell the delicious aroma of whatever was inside it and his mouth started to water. He tiptoed as quietly as he could over to the counter and crept his little hands to the box and slowly pulled it away from the old man's reach. He tiptoed towards the door and right before Erik got there, the old man said something strange Erik didn't understand (riddle about candy). Erik thought nothing of what the candy man said and walked out with his new prize. He pushed Timmy out of the way while yelling "Move it!" and then Erik ran home as fast as he could with his new found treasure, wondering the entire way what it could be. He burst through the door and there was his mom, worried sick. "Erik! We've been waiting for twenty minutes to eat dinner!" Erik looked at her with an annoyed look and muttered "Whatever.." and shoved his way past her. HE dove onto his bed and layed the small box on his bed carefully. He began to unravel the small red ribbon, and the box popped open slightly, as the aroma of chocolate poured out. He took the chocolate candy, stared at it for a second, then popped it in his mouth. He bit into it, and it was almost chewy, like gum but it melted in his mouth. At first it tasted like chocolate, then it went to gumdrops, then licorice, then sour, then sweet, then smooth. The flavor was amazing, like nothing he had ever eaten. It was the best candy he had ever had. All of a sudden Erik got really tired, so he laid down and fell asleep. The next morning his tongue felt weird from the candy he had eaten the night before. It hurt, but Erik went on with getting ready for the day, then went downstairs to eat. "Good morning!" his mom said cheerfully as she set a plate of eggs in front of Erik. Erik took a bite and muttered to himself "These eggs are gross, I'd much rather have had toast." Erik finished up his eggs and left for school, running out the door. Erik slowly walked to school, when all of a sudden he saw little Timmy walking up the sidewalk in front of him. So Erik decided to sneak up behind him. Timmy heard Erik sneaking up and turned around, so Erik pushed Timmy into a puddle. Timmy fell into the puddle with a big "SPLASH!" and he looked up at Erik and yelled "Erik! why do you always pick on me?!" Erik sneered and replied "Because you're small, and I'm tall, and Timmy, pushing you around is a ball." Timmy looked up at Erik with a strange look in his eye. "Erik, you sound kinda funny.." Timmy fearfully whispered. Erik opened his mouth to say something else, but quickly closed it, afraid that he would say something weird again, and instead stomped off to school, thinking the entire time about what he had said. Erik walked down the hall, making each kid stare at the ground as he walked by; they were scared that Erik would bully them. Erik walked into his classroom and sat at his seat next to Timmy. His teacher was teaching history, his least favorite subject, so he decided it'd be fun to spit spit-wads at Timmy. Erik wadded up a piece of paper and spit it. "SPLAT!" the wad hit Timmy right on the side of the head. "Erik!" the teacher exclaimed in frustration, "What are you doing?" Erik, afraid to speak just looked up at her and said nothing. "Well, are you going to explain yourself young man?" the teacher asked, glaring at Erik. He couldn't say anything, and only shook his head in silence. "I'm calling your mother, go to the office!" Erik slowly got out of his seat and walked out of the room. "What will my mom do when she finds out?" Erik worried aloud, "Will she laugh, will she shout? and all I can do is pout.." Erik shamefully walked into the office and sat there, waiting for his mom. She showed up minutes later, grabbed him by the ear and walked into the office. They sat down in front of the principals desk. "So, your son shot a spit-wad at another student. This is very unacceptable." the principle told Erik's mother. "I'm very sorry.." The principal cut her off and said "I'm going to have to ask you to take Erik home for the day." Quietly Erik's mom got up, grabbing Erik's hand walking out, with a "It wont happen again." trailing behind her. Her and Erik walked to the car, got in, and drove home in silence. When they got home Erik's mom just said "Go to your room." Erik walked slowly up the stairs to his room, and sat on his bed. He sighed and said aloud "Maybe this is how I'll always be, maybe this rhyming thing is me. I shouldn't have picked on little Timmy, now that I clearly see.." Erik paused and thought "Maybe I shouldn't be so much of a bully." Erik thought for a bit, then he had an idea. He looked at the clock; school was almost over. Erik jumped off his bed, raced out of his room, sprinted down the stairs, and flew out the door.(first part on one page) He ran and ran down the sidewalk that he walked to school on until he saw little Timmy walking home from school. When Timmy saw Erik he stared at the ground, hoping Erik wouldn't see him.(second part one one page) Erik walked right up to Timmy and Timmy muttered "Did you come to push me again? Or maybe shoot a spit-wad at me?" Timmy said angrily. Erik shook his head no and exclaimed "Timmy, I need you to come with me! I have a way to make up for being a bully!" Erik took Timmy up and down streets until finally they ended up in front of the old candy shop where they were yesterday. He pulled Timmy inside and told him "Timmy, pick the sweetest, neatest candy you see!" Timmy walked over to a shelf and picked the biggest jaw breaker he could find. Erik called him to the counter as he fished around in his pocket for money. He brought some change out of his pocket and realized it was Timmy's. He looked at Timmy and handed him the money. "How much will your biggest, bestest jawbreaker be?" Erik said to the candy shop owner. The candy man started to feel around and Timmy put the jawbreaker where he could feel it. "Ah.. That will be fifteen dollars my boy." Erik was slightly shocked by the price, that was how much he had saved up in his allowance that month, but it was nothing for all he had bullied Timmy. He pulled out all the money in his pocket and handed it to the candy man. "Thank you, sir" Erik said cheerfully. "Come on Timmy, lets go." Timmy looked at Erik, shocked "Erik!" Timmy exclaimed "You aren't rhyming anymore!" Erik smiled the biggest smile he had ever smiled in his entire life and said "Timmy you're right!" Timmy popped the jawbreaker in his cheek and said happily "You're the greatest friend ever, Erik." Erik's face lit up and he said "Thanks Timmy." They walked out of the candy store laughing, both happy with their new best friend, leaving the candy man smiling behind the counter at the old candy shop in Petuniaville.

 

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  'Rhyming Short Story (Senior Project Need critique)' statistics: (click to read)
Date created: March 11, 2010
Date published: March 11, 2010
Comments: 0
Tags: bully, children, erik, rhyming, story
Word Count: 1772
Times Read: 112
Story Length: 1