The story so far:
It's one of those times in your life when you don't know yourself. You don't know your abilities. You don't know your bounderies. And yet, any reasoning for this betrayal is justifiable. Are you really that empty of conviction? Is everything you believed, and sterotyped, really that weak of an argument now?
What is the next step? From this moment, this night on, you will be haunted with anxiety of making a choice. Knowing that you made a choice that night. So whats stopping you from making an even bigger descion? Is it soccor practice, or mutual friends? Is it the time you've invested in a empty marriage, or the fact that your "partner in the shadows" isn't bothered with the thought of making any changes.
Before the landmine blew up in your face. Life was back to the everyday. No time to think of the feeling that overwhelms your sense's. Now, it seems to show its embarassing smile everywhere you decide to daydream. It couldn't be like this for long. Then the next phone call came. You tell him "it's just work calling" and take your cell outside. By all means you pushed for a "I can't talk now". But he was pushing back. With sly sarcasim, and charm you lacked in life, "I can't talk now", turned into 20 minutes ago.
Walking back into your dull hell. And looking at the love of you life...your children, you have no guilt. Do you know yourself? Are you the being of "appropiate action's" you have thought yourself to be? It can't affect their lives of "he said, she said". Their obssesion of "The Real World", and school dances. It's just me. It's only me.
Grocery shopping has never been so enjoyable. You find yourself jumping at the oppertunity. What used to take 1 hour, now takes 3. What used to be a boring drive to the "Neighborhood Grocery" turned into a quick run to the "City Inn". Can your heart really handle this rush of emotion? The strength of the passion? The happiest, most powerful **** in your life? And the dissappointment of it's end, only to leave you feeling used-until next week.
This can't continue forever. You can't drive up to the same house, and forgive his "obsession" with the neighbor. Although you don't mind it, because it offers you a way out. A way out. Why not? He's moved on, not caring about your humiliation. But what about our memories? All the time we have spent on "us". He is important, and I love him. "Being in love" just hasn't been an option for a long time.
Is this love? Or a way to mask my "bad descion of youth". Never thought that I would be a statistic. Always thought of myself as an individual. I suppose the world is full of individuals-masked with statistic's. Wait. Does that mean my children will be statistic's? I've always dispised parents that put their children thru unnecessary custody battles, make them choose between one parent of the other. What am I talking about? He's not obsessing over leaving his wife. His children aren't on the brink of being a statistic.
I have to end it. I knew that when I allowed it to start, this would happen. Why should I end the one part of my life, the only part of my life, that consumes me? It makes me hit the gym 4 times a week. I wear make-up again. I got highlights, and low rise jeans. I really am a woman. This has proven it. But now, I have fun. Wow...me fun. So, why can't I keep it that way? Take the emotion out of it. Make it my "recreation". No one has to know. And it makes me care about things that have lacked. I look better, feel better.
Oh my god. Who have I become?