Discussion of "~Blood~" by Writer_at_hart

Thanks for commenting on my story, by the way.

I think this is a good start, but it needs some work.

Your third sentence here: "I began to notice a blood trail and my mouth began to water as the delicious scent filled my nostrils" needs some work. What is "a blood trail"? Is he smelling a wounded person? Or just a human being in general? I also don't like "began to notice" - it's very passive, and it calls into question why he is running through the forest in the first place. I think you'd be better off having him already running, already salivating, the scent trail of his human prey filling his nostrils, his blood lust so strong he can almost feel his intended victim's pulse/taste his blood/etc. Then, when Ava has killed him, we feel his frustration.

The intro of Ava: some really bizarre word/phrase choices. "the girl of red hair"? "Her red hair was every bit of scarlet". Re-word this stuff, because it doesn't make sense.

Likewise with "The amount of tease in her voice was evident" - was it? I don't know how much tease was in her voice. To the reader, it's not evident. Instead of telling us this, show us Ash's reaction to being teased.

"It was a cornered smile that said I made you" - another awkward wording. Is Ava Ash's maker/sire/the chick who vamped him? This isn't clear, and that sort of power isn't conveyed by the word "corned" which would seem to indicate as lack of choice, or even submission.

Decent blood trade stuff (personally, I'd go for sexier, less like downing an energy drink - stuff like "drawing blood instantly" is redundant where it could be hot - he is basically kiss-biting her face after all). Nice ending.