Discussion of "Immortal Revenant" by Wisteria

Good descriptive content. I can see this nasty thing in my mind's eye. My suggestion to you is to watch your grammar. You have a lot of run-on sentences connected by commas. And try using the word "dead" a lil less. Other than that, an interesting read.I'm wondering what happens next, though. Do you have a plot in mind, or are you leaving it to others to mash?

Gave you a 3

Yes, this is a definite "mash" story! I have BIG problem with run ons which is why I can't take my own writing too seriously.

I really liked the opening lines even though I ran out of breath getting to the first period. If you could cut this down to shorter sentences and use paragraphs, this would be a great read. If you are interested in some examples of short, tight explicit sentences read dogdeity11's stuff.

Thank you so much! This is exactly the type of critique I was looking for! I wrote that piece over a year ago, and until you just pointed out where the run ons where, I honestly had no idea. :)

I loved this story so much I just had to add another chapter. This is the first story ive ever added to on story mash so please be gentel.

I know all those comma's gave it a run on affect, but in a way it was like something just as dead was telling this. As you know, something dead doesn't have to stop and breath like we do at the end of a sentence. So I have mixed feelings about that. Otherwise this just grabbed me and dragged me along. I could not help myself but read every single word.