Thank you so much! This is exactly the type of critique I was looking for! I wrote that piece over a year ago, and until you just pointed out where the run ons where, I honestly had no idea. :)

I have just recently joined so I don't know too much about storymash yet, but I can say that I think what you did makes absolutely no sense. I have my own amateur writing forum, and in the past 3 years I have had many supposedly serious writers play mental games with each other. I just think it's sad when a person has nothing better to do than cut and paste something, create an account and submit it. Why bother? Go fly a kite instead, at least you will get some exercise.

Yes, this is a definite "mash" story! I have BIG problem with run ons which is why I can't take my own writing too seriously.