Discussion of "The Unknown 4: Revelations" by Wisper78

Very nice entry, Wisper, and welcome to Storymash! Interesting direction making Robert responsible for the snipers and the biplane, and turning Maribel into an unwitting agent for the mob.
I liked how the piece started off, and your descriptive style is excellent. "I had been following what must have been a thin, rough path through the woods, a thin line of white in a blanket of ebony." Very nice. Maribel's confused and paranoid, as she should be, and she's hurling accusations at him.
I was surprised though when she finds out Robert's machinations killed her daughter, she has to fight the instinct to comfort him. He arranged the "accident" that killed Danya! From that point she should have been fighting the urge not the strangle him. Then you move into the mob story which was creative but I had trouble buying it. In the first chapter, we know Maribel has spent a decade flushing out corruption, perverts, drug factories, etc. You needed more than a flashback to fake FBI badges to tie that explanation together.
I would have also liked to see the explanation of the experiment referenced at the end of chapter 3. Instead, you explained how Robert was still alive, but left the two central mysteries (the freaky children and the death threat), for the next author to solve.
Other than that, I think you did a fine job, and your efforts really show through. Well done!

Thanks! I'm new to this kind of stuff, and I realize my explanations were probably lacking. And some of the character reactions were probably inaccurate, too. Next time, I will try to work on the things you've mentioned, and I know they are all my week spots :)

Thanks again

Gangs. It's taking a minute to sink in, mainly because so many pieces are trying to cling to the outside of my skull. Gangs. Gangs?

The Godds are an unquestionably interesting twist, but at this phase of the story, does it work? Explanation/justification for the plane crash and ensuing adventure? Yes. Explanation for Jake's "You'll be dead by Monday?" I suppose he could've heard someone 'made' say as much.

Strange turn for a story which turned supernatural in #2 and moreso in #3.

Gangs.

I'm to infer the Godds found them at the end? Good hanger, if that's the case. But... avoid/beat/trick the mafia, save the kids, solve the mystery to why her agent status is jeopardized, seal the deal with Wilkes/Chomsky... That's a tall order, and I'm not sure everything fits on one menu. Almost feels like you ordered Taco Bell triple steak at a different restaurant altogether. I like the quick-and-easy-yum of the Bell. But I'm uneasy bringing it into another establishment.

For all my kvetching about exploring alternatives, can I see this as a viable direction? Gangs?

In a ten chapter, maybe. But I need the backstory for Robert's involvement, and there's no time. Round hole, oval peg.

(3)

:)

I think I wanted to story to go a different direction, and when it didn't I tried to bring it back, and apparently it was too much.
Oh well.

Here are the notes I took while reading your entry:
Watch the spelling on ‘Lockley’ and ‘Chomsky.’
You had some great wording in there, like when she said something that ‘killed his heart.’
Dialogue ‘tags’ (the indicator of who is speaking) belong on the same line as the dialogue. So ‘This time Lockley replied’ should be on the same line as “Your FBI agents…”
The way Lockley folded up his chair was an interesting detail, but why would someone in a panic to get out take the time to fold up a chair?
There were some awkward sentences (like the one starting “But then the car lights went off…” in the second paragraph). Some wording was a bit strange, like when Robert ‘flipped’ his head in Lockley’s direction. You had quite a few unnecessary commas throughout the piece, and some missing apostrophes. (“Let’s go back ten years” and “We know you’re an agent”) ‘Who’s’ means ‘who is.’ The correct possessive form is ‘whose.’
Maribel was already part of the FBI when the plane went down in Iowa, from my understanding.
I was a little confused by the line about avenging Danya’s death. It had been stated that she was accidentally killed by Robert’s actions in trying to fake his own death. The gang didn’t seem to have anything to do with that.
Maribel didn’t seem to have much response to the revelation that her daughter truly is dead, which surprised me, given the hopeful thoughts she’d had about her daughter in the first paragraph.
Overall, the idea that Robert’s death was deliberately faked by him to get out of trouble with a gang was pretty clever. However, it leaves some questions open. Why would the gang bother with Maribel as a revenge on him if they thought he was dead? Maribel seemed a bit too agreeable to all this – by the end, she’s readily believing the word of the man who faked his own death and was responsible for the death of their daughter. Where did all her anger go after that one brief outburst? And what does Jake have to do with all this? Or Amy, or the other children? How does Lockley fit in? He gave a lot of explanations except for who he is and how he relates to all this. Why did he pull a gun on her – and let himself get kicked in the jimmies and bit on the wrist – when he could’ve just said, “I’m taking you to your husband”? But in general, you do have some really good ideas here, and you ended on a nicely action-packed note.
I gave it a 3.0.

I like your descriptive style and I thought you did a good job with Maribel’s emotions in the first part. The first part was pretty good actually. But once they got in the bunker, I had a hard time buying the story. I don’t know that much about banking, but I imagine it would be hard to open a bank if you were say members of MS13. Robert’s explanation just didn’t seem plausible.

He admits to killing her daughter and she’s… not really that upset. Hard to believe.

And Ms. B, up to this point has been fooled for ten years into believing she’s an FBI agent? She just doesn’t seem that stupid. She’s obviously been in contact with gangs, murderess, drug dealers, etc. but she can’t spot a fake FBI agent? Overall, I like your style, and I give you props for inventiveness, but I didn’t think this explanation was plausible for the story.

The tease of Dayna possibly being alive was odd. As was Maribel’s reaction. As a mother, myself, the line “Would I ever really know this new Danya, ever really love her in her new form?” didn’t ring true.

Robert’s behavior is odd, as is her decision to follow him. Granted, it would be a huge shock, but she is a trained agent, from what we’ve gathered from the previous chapters. She doesn’t realize that she’s in a predicament until she’s already gone down the hole?
I had a hard time buying Robert’s line “We know your an agent. Not an occupation I expected you to take, but whatever.” So far, we have a reunion of husband and wife after over a decade separation, and very little emotion.

And then we have gangs. In a small town in Iowa. Are gangs organized enough to pull all this off? Sounds more like the mob. Not that I’ve had much experience with either, but it’s still hard to believe.

I am glad you give Robert some emotion when Maribel asked about Dayna, but again – her response felt wrong. I’m surprised she wasn’t going ballistic on him.

And it is REALLY hard to believe that she has been working for the gangs – not the government. In the previous chapter, she describes her “stint” in Iowa – as if she is already working for the government.

Finally, maybe I’m just getting tired, but I just don’t see where you’re leading us with the children and the experiment.

I’m sorry to be welcoming you with such a hard critique. You have a good style, and some great descriptions going there. I look forward to seeing more from you!