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Discussion of "The Unknown - Chapter 2" by Wandering_Rian

2 Aggeloi 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

Very twisted! Love the direction you're going. I give it a 4.

  hidden comment from Aggeloi with score of 2
1 wendyboop 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

It was brilliant, if not a little sad you killed off what I thought was going to be the main character. I think that is what will win you this round (though I will mourn the passing of sweet Ms. B).

  hidden comment from wendyboop with score of 1
2 writerwannabe 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

HOLY MOLY!! LOL....I don't know how you got from the first chapter to this (I surely don't have an imagination of that magnitude), but danged if it ain't mighty fine!! Excellent writing, detail, narrative and dialogue. I'm especially impressed with the Sheriff's thought lines... very "in character". I don't know how I missed your being here the past month, but damned sorry that I have. Welcome to SM!! My vote: 4

  hidden comment from writerwannabe with score of 2
1 Phenotype_A 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

You've got a terrific visual style with you wording, which also comes out in the dialogue you write. It was a true pleasure to read, and ramped up the tension quite nicely towards the end.

  hidden comment from Phenotype_A with score of 1
3 theblackhand 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

The visuals in this story are amazing. You have progressed the story in a well thought out way. Very incredible second chapter.
The introduction of the sheriff is very strong writing indeed. Killing off Ms. B was a bold move, and one that you took on brilliantly.

  hidden comment from theblackhand with score of 3
3 Eternal_Flame 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

Wow - I totally would not have thought to have gone in this direction, but you really increased the interest in the story with this chapter. Really well done - you took risks which paid off!
I found that there were a couple of spots in your writing where it didn't flow as smoothly as I would have liked, but the plot was interesting enough that I overlooked them and read on.

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3 Wandering_Rian 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

I'd be most interested to see where you found the flow was rough. I did have a few bits that gave me trouble and I'd be curious to see if they coincide.

You could shoot me an email if you would prefer. wandering.rian@gmail.com but, either way, I welcome the input.

  hidden comment from Wandering_Rian with score of 3
2 drmarcelluscrum 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

wow, a true artist Rain. Every peace I read from you get better and better, this by far is the best of them all 5/5 easy.

  hidden comment from drmarcelluscrum with score of 2
4 crystalfoo 8 years, 1 month ago Reply

Fantastic! Your concept was clever, nicely executed and perfect for a 5 round mash. (That alone is a big hurdle for chapters-to stick to the point, show-don't tell, and keep interest tight without adding too much unneccesary information. There are no fillers in your chapter-) This was, in my opinion, the perfect direction; kill her, move on, another character inherits the first pov-now the focus of the story is on the mystery of who, and why. I can't find much to criticize, but if I had to dig I would say watch the over-use of 'she' and 'she had'. Those only detract from sentence structure. Your dialogue was authentic and easy. I'm thoroughly impressed with your chapter. My vote-solid 5-and the easy winner in this round. ;)

  hidden comment from crystalfoo with score of 4
2 raspberrywafer 8 years ago Reply

That's some great writing. The character has a really strong voice, I feel like I know him already. And the descriptions were great. I don't know who killed these people, or why, but I already feel myself getting angry with them. Nice.

The only thing I would note is that I was curious after the first chapter to learn more about Ms. B...but I guess it will be up to the writer after this chapter to do some investigating into that.

  hidden comment from raspberrywafer with score of 2
3 shadinah 8 years ago Reply

Very well written! I loved the descriptions and intensity of the chapter. My biggest challenge with it was the change in character for the first person. I could see where that would come across as confusing for the reader. I also had a hard time buying that an officer of the law would leave his radio when he must have known he was going to be checking out a body. There were a couple parts that were a little redundant, so could have used a bit more editing.
The twist with the kids was awesome! Chilling, and horrible, but very well written!
I also loved how you brought in "Them"! Again, very chilling, and dug us closer into the mystery of the small town.
4 stars

  hidden comment from shadinah with score of 3
3 Wandering_Rian 8 years ago Reply

Thank you for the kind comments.

You know, I didn't need to have that damn radio comment in there. That was something I regretted almost from the start. I had Andy Griffith in my head and he never had a radio on him. LOL.

Now, that Aggeloi has put forth what is clearly the best chapter, I am gonna start working on finishing this alternate path.

And I shall have a little more time for editing. :)

  hidden comment from Wandering_Rian with score of 3
1 Wandering_Rian 8 years ago Reply

Of course, Andy Taylor also didn't carry a gun.

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1 crystalfoo 8 years ago Reply

Don't throw in the towel yet, WR. ;)

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1 Aggeloi 8 years ago Reply


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4 wolfram 8 years ago Reply

Wow, a beautifully written entry. Your writing is clean and slowly ramps up the tension with a whopping twist at the end. So why did I hate this chapter?
Because it's a new story. It doesn't build on the first chapter at all, it merely takes the main character we invested in, along with the two children who set up the clues, and kills them all. I feel cheated that I'll never know Mrs. B's backstory, or why she joined the agency, or what she planned to do with the fake names she was collecting. I didn't think those deaths accomplished anything but frustrate the reader.
Had you entered this chapter 2 as a chapter 1 for a new story, I would have been all over it with praise. As a chapter 2, not so much.
Naturally this is my own opinion, and the previous commenters love the direction you took, so I'll try not to let it bias my scoring too much. Brilliantly written even if I hate it. :) 4.0

  hidden comment from wolfram with score of 4
3 crystalfoo 8 years ago Reply

Ahh wolf--lol! Try to cut him some slack...;) It's really quite brilliant to skip all the b.s. and do what the first chapter led up to...all before the first words of chapter two are read. Brevity is key in a five round contest. (we've done one of these before-remember? who knows how much unnecessary crapola would've slunk it's way into this storyline via a predictable, plodding chapter-lol) Not only that, but I wasn't all that invested in that character-she wasn't fleshed out and with limited chapters she might never have been. ;) Lol...just gotta razz ya a little bit-wolf,and remark that I think this is my fave in this round.

  hidden comment from crystalfoo with score of 3
3 Wandering_Rian 8 years ago Reply

As soon as the results are in for the current round, I would love to have a discussion on the choices made in plotting chapter two. Including, obviously, mine.

I'm fascinated by the different directions taken and also by some of the similarities. For example 6 of the final 10 stories just skipped over where Jake heard Ms. B was going to die on Monday.

Just amazing, really.

  hidden comment from Wandering_Rian with score of 3
3 wolfram 8 years ago Reply

I'd love to have that discussion too. I don't think we need to wait until the round is over, but I'll defer to your preference.

P.S. Sorry for the harshness, and I hope it came through that I liked your writing very much. Just not what you wrote. :)

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3 Wandering_Rian 8 years ago Reply

No harshness perceived.

I find your opinion both interesting and valuable.

I also find it ironic that one of my issues with some of the other chapters is that they seemed to brush away details that were giving about Ms. B and I totally brushed away Ms. B. LOL.

Okay, I will post something to the forums as soon as my bosses give me a moment to think clearly.

  hidden comment from Wandering_Rian with score of 3
1 Wandering_Rian 8 years ago Reply

I put up some notes in teh storytelling forum. Comment if you are interested.

  hidden comment from Wandering_Rian with score of 1
1 hebe6405 8 years ago Reply

I was able to catch the change in the POV immediately and was eager to figure out who the new "first person" was. Skipping all the hullabaloo with whos, whats, and whys and having Ms. B be dead was creepy good.

Editting notes: past tense of "to drag" is dragged, drug is a pharmaceutical. Hung... hanged is the past tense for this scenario - I looked it up to make sure because the rule always trips me up.

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2 Wandering_Rian 8 years ago Reply

Man, I so know that too. I suppose I could try and hide behind the fact that I was talking in the sheriff's voice and not my own and he doesn't know the difference. Heh. But that would be complete B.S.

  hidden comment from Wandering_Rian with score of 2
2 Katrina 8 years ago Reply

I like how you stay in first person point of view but change the narrator; however, the transition was really rough for me.

Your dialogue is good--very natural.

Super creepy description of Ms. B and the kids' bodies. Dead kids are always disturbing, and I appreciate that :)

Proofread, proofread, proofread! There were a few minor mistakes that I found very distracting.

"They," huh? You definitely have my interest....I'd love to see where this goes.

Great job!

  hidden comment from Katrina with score of 2
2 Wandering_Rian 8 years ago Reply

You know, thank you very much for the kind words.

I wonder about that transition being rough. Doing what I did was like a jackhammer to the story, which Wolfram points out... so I don't know how to have done it in a less jarring manner.

you know, I am thinking of just hiring a proofreader. I mean, I go over these things a billion times and I still end up missing things.

And I think I have to finish it regardless of the contest. Cause to tell you the truth, I am not even sure if I can pull off it off and make it all work. Heh. But that's the fun!

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2 Katrina 8 years ago Reply

The only thing I could think of to make the transition better would be to start out in first person still as Ms. B and then switch....or to make it clear who the "I" is within the first or second paragraph...

  hidden comment from Katrina with score of 2
1 honeygloom 8 years ago Reply

Hi Rian- I commented on this last night with all the other stories but I don’t know what happened to the comment. Very strange… But on to the story. I love the chapter as it is all by its self. It’s well written, I love the sheriff, your descriptions are wonderful, and it’s a very intriguing story. However, I, as a reader, invested time reading and thinking about Ms. B… and now she’s dead. Her story won’t be told (I’m betting anyway since this is only a 5 chapter story) and I spent all that time with her for nothing. Now I have a whole different story with a protagonist who’s afraid to name who done it. It struck me as cheating in a way, but that’s just me. But I do want to reiterate that the writing is great and I really enjoyed reading the chapter. It’s just the direction that made me furrow my brow:)

  hidden comment from honeygloom with score of 1
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