Discussion of "The Call" by TomTen3001

WOW!! I love these types of stories! Well written...I amy mash this one later in....Please, read my "Gunther" series and tell me what you think. I also have other stories as well. I give you a 5 all the way. Again, great beginning....

Thats suppose to be "I may"...sorry.

The twist at the end was unexpected. Waiting to see where this will lead!

Wow, really interesting and intense! Like theblackhand said, this is really well written. Great descriptions. The only thing I might suggest is having him try to the doorknob before he kicks it in - he probably would check to see if it was locked or unlocked before he would try breaking it down.
Great chapter! :)

The doorknob! Duh! :) Actually, that would have made it even a bit spookier, if the door had been unlocked. Thanks for all the compliments, by the way.

read my work....

Fantastic. Damn -- you've made me bite my nails again! Really though, loved it, gave you a well-deserved five, and, if I may, I'd love to add to this. Great start!

Wow! This is really cool! I can't wait to see where you got with it next!

I was going to give you a Simon Cowell-like "not bad" and caught myself. You do a good job creating interest and suspense. It would have been nice to know a little more about Tom and Becky before being plunged into the story, though. Just curious, did you write this before or after "The Legend" came out?

LAMEX: I was going to give you a Simon Cowell-like "not bad" and caught myself.
TOM: Interesting – did you decide that it was better than not bad, or worse than not bad?
LAMEX: You do a good job creating interest and suspense.
TOM: Well, thank you.
LAMEX: It would have been nice to know a little more about Tom and Becky before being plunged into the story, though.
TOM: Completely disagree, for X reasons:
1. It’s an action-oriented story, so to capture the reader’s interest, it’s best to plunge the reader into the action. One rule I learned early on in my non-existent fiction writing career is that you should decide where the beginning of your story is – and then start just a little bit further into the story. In other words, don’t have your character enter the room and begin his action. Have him in the room in the midst of his action. Its more engaging.
2. BORING! If this is long-form fiction, as suggested by the format – in that other chapters will be added to the first – it is far more interesting and engaging to learn more about the characters as you go along. And you know plenty about Todd from the get-go – what he does for a living, where he works, his age, in general, what kind of car he drives, that he’s ill, how he feels about his girlfriend, and so forth. You also assume Becky will be a main character, when she could simply be the MacGuffin that motivates Todd to drive East.
Consider a show like “Lost.” How much did you know about Jack before he was helping save people from the plane crash? Nothing, except that he was a doctor. How about Locke? It was several episodes before you discovered he was previously in a wheelchair – and several seasons before you knew how he came to be in a wheelchair.
You understand character more often by action than by an omniscient narrator dolling out biography. Show, don’t tell. The first rule of fiction writing.
3. The format, once again. Storymash is collaborative fiction, so one of the goals we should all attempt to do is to provide our fellow readers with characters and situations to explore. What fun is Walt Disney World if I provide you, not only with a map, but a minute to minute itinerary of what you’re going to do?
LAMEX: Just curious, did you write this before or after "The Legend" came out?
TOM: This is one of those questions that’s best answered with a “What’s that supposed to mean?” Of which, it’d be nice to have an answer.
To your question though, if you’re asking if I wrote this before or after “The Legend” – then I don’t know, because I don’t know what “The Legend” is.
But if you’re asking if I wrote this before or after “I Am Legend,” then I have to admit that I wrote it after – given that “I Am Legend” was written in 1954 and I wasn’t born until 1970.
I actually wrote this particular piece of short fiction exactly 40 mins before I posted it. But, if you’re interested in the HISTORY of the scene, I’ve had that in my head (and written in at least two different forms) since 1992 (so, to that extent, it was “written” well before the movie version of the 1950s era novel).
Basically, it’s apocalyptic fiction, which sort of began with “I Am Legend”. It has been done any number of times – “Mad Max,” “Day of the Triffids,” “The Stand,” “Night of the Comet,” “A Boy and His Dog,” “Terminator” – there are hundreds of examples.
Hope that helps!

I do not suspect you of copying anything, the I Am Legend reference didn't even hit me until I read comments. Some background for interested writers and readers. Richard Matheson (sp?), the author of I Am Legend, also wrote a number of scripts for the original Twilight Zone series. "I Am Legend" has been interpreted into film at least two times previous to the recent effort, as "The Omega Man" and "Last Man On Earth". Just a little trivia for y'all!

Good start! I like the way this story begins, right into the action. Although I don't fully understand why the man would throw up at the sight of an empty shower. I'm thinking maybe because of the pnuemonia, but that isn't really mentioned after the first incident. At first glance I also thought about the "I am Legend" influence, but this story can go so many different ways that would steer clear of that whole last man on earth thing. I'm considering taking a stab at this one.

Thanks, Juwan! Yeah, the vomiting might have been over the top. I was going for the anxiety route -- that if you suddenly realized everyone was gone, including the person you loved, it might make you vomit. Dunno, felt right. :)

I probably overreacted to the original question regarding "I Am Legend," as I can certainly see where a "last man on earth" story coming along around the time that there's a "last man on earth" story is in wide release for public consumption might seem influenced by the later.

But truth told, just have a fascination with "last man on earth" stories. They're kind of like the ultimate deserted island stories. "Robinson Crusoe" to the max. So no relation or influence at all. Haven't read the book or seen the movie.

I would have to agree...this was exciting and definitely one that will be fun to see where all it goes. Plus, a challenge for any writers who will be mashing it...which of course is fun.

Nice writing. Interesting story.

Gripping man! I love the 'last man' premise as well and could probably think of a dozen more examples to go with yours. However this isn’t about them…it’s about your chapter.
I liked the way you started, jumped backwards and then worked your way forward again to the present. The action was terrific. And the writing was great. I have to say though, I was a little distracted by the way you handed over some of the goods too easily. Like with, ‘In hindsight…’ and ‘later, he would decide…’ I don’t know, it’s probably just a personal preference so naturally this is only one mans opinion. But the character, for whatever reason, isn’t able to pick up on the fact that something’s wrong until later in the chapter. So rather than having the story tell ME that something is wrong, I would rather just absorb all the details right along with the character and form my own opinion. I just feel like it’s more suspenseful that way.
Like, when you said, “There was something a bit off about the experience but he couldn’t put his finger on it.” That was awesome. A little hint that something was up…yet then again, it could have just been his mind playing tricks. He is sick after all.
Whatever, it was still really, really good.
I loved the ending. Chilling cliffhanger.
Can’t wait to see where it’s gone since. Voted a five.

Thanks, Dog!

I see what you're sayin' with the "hindsights" -- I think it's a style thing that I'm hooked on. I waver back and forth. But I agree that with this genre and style, leaving those out and letting the reader ride along could be stronger. I'll consider that moving forward! Just have to find the time to move forward!

The first thing I think of when I read the story is Wow! This is some great work man, keep it up. I was really impressed with the short yet still complete descriptions.

Reading this story is the first time I have read anything on SM that actually made me tense - increased heart rate and the works. The loop where you pass yourself with the same line partway through is a wonderful touch. Take note all, THIS is how its done! Outstanding!

Nice build of tension. Your scores are well deserved and I wouldn't dream of breaking the streak. 5 stars from me also.

Amazing story, I was really impressed with how you presented things and it hooked me in so easily!

Thanks so much for all the comments. I keep hoping to come back to the story, but haven't had a chance. Maybe I'll get a new chapter going!

OOoh...leaves me wanting more!! :)