“Today is a fresh start for you” my mother had said. To me everything still felt the same but to make her happy I smiled and nodded and agreed with everything else she said.
Today I was being released. After four long months I was finally getting out and I couldn’t have been happier. I wasn’t happy just because I was simply feeling happy though, the clinic may have believed I was no longer depressed but I knew myself better than anyone.
I was still a depressed suicidal maniac. I was still going to skip meals and cut myself. Nothing was going to change once I was out of here except one thing, which was me being more careful not to be caught and sent back in here.
I sat on the plastic seat outside Marie’s office. The first day I had arrived here I was sent into her little office and lay down in the comfy chair and she talked with me about a lot of things. I didn’t really talk much or give her any answers at first. But after a while I realised the only way to get out of here was to tell them what they wanted to hear.
My older brother Dan came back from the canteen and took a seat next to me passing me a cup of coffee. He was three years older then me making him 19. He didn’t live at home anymore; he had his own apartment close to his college. He had a nice girlfriend and a good group of friends. He did well in school and was the star of every sports team. He seemed to have everything.
“It’s glad to finally have you back Kara. I’ve really missed you ya know.” He gave me a huge grin. I had always loved Dan the most out of everyone in my family. He didn’t care what I did and he didn’t judge he just accepted that that was just who I was. He wasn’t like my mother at all.
I could hear her voice coming from the other side of the door. Her and Marie were talking over a few last minute things and then I was out of here. I was going back home, back to my “normal” life. I’d be going to a new school, as my mother didn’t think my old school would be good for me. I didn’t care what she wanted to do at this point.
The door clicked open and my mother walked out carrying a file. There was no denying my mother was beautiful. She had long light brown hair, pale skin, full red lips and blue eyes. She always dressed very prim and proper and looked very serious and business like. She pursed her lips together when she layed her eyes on me then quickly looked away. I knew she despised me. I didn’t care.
Marie followed her outside and walked over to me. I stood up in time to be pulled into a tight hug. I didn’t like Marie much but I guessed that she liked me.
“I’m going to miss you so much Kara dear. I’m so happy your all better. Now if you have any problems at all you can call in and see me anytime okay?” I put on my best fake smile and pulled out of the hug.
“Sure” I said impatiently “Thanks for everything.”
My mother said her goodbyes and we finally made our way to the front of the clinic. Just a few more forms for my mum to fill out and then I’d be out of here, never having to look at the sickly which walls and ugly plastic chairs ever again.
The bitch at the front desk made a point of flirting with Dan. Her mum worked here so she worked here part time. She knew that Dan had a wonderful girlfriend, she had visited here many times and yet she still tried to sweet talk him. I guess Dan was good looking with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. Finally we were done.
Walking out through those two glass doors I began to spin around and sing. Dan laughed and walked over to the car with me twirling around behind him yelling “Freedom!” My mother walked over and gave me that look again with her pursed lips.
“Kara stop that. People are looking. Just get in the car” and with that she climbed in the drivers seat.
I climbed into the back seat and made a point of kicking her chair, which she either didn’t feel or just ignored. I didn’t give a **** what people thought of me but she just didn’t understand that. To her everything was about what other people thought of you.
The drive was long and silent. I hummed along to the songs playing on the radio and thought about what to do first when I got home. I wouldn’t be able to cut myself for a while because I’d still be going for checkups every week. I’d thought about it a lot while I was in the clinic. I’d stay up for hours thinking about it. New ways I could cut myself, new ways to starve myself, new ways to take drugs all without being caught out this time. It was going to be hard but if I could convince them all for long enough I’d be able to stop the checkups and get on with my life the way I wanted too.
We pulled up outside the house and I was straight in and up to my room. It was still locked. The day before I was taken to the stupid clinic I had made a point of locking my door. It could only be opened from the inside and my window to get in had been locked too. I hid the key for the window under a plant pot in the hall.
Once I climbed through the window I looked over everything. It was the exact same as the day I left. There were still dirty clothes on the floor and makeup spread all over the benches. School paper rolled up and burnt. I laughed at that and dived onto my bed. I couldn’t have been happier to be home. After about an hour or going through all my stuff I made an appearance downstairs.
“I gotta get going Kara, Melissa just got home. We’ll both come visit you in a few days okay. I would come sooner but you know with school and all . . “
“Oh sure that’s fine Dan. I know how busy you and I’ll probably need some time to get adjusted.”
Dan smiled and nodded. He said goodbye to mum kissing her on the cheek and then was out the door. My mother completely ignored me for the rest of the day. She made no effort to talk to me. She had never treated me like a daughter of hers and with everything that had happened things had only gotten worse between us.
I picked up my phone and tried calling a few friends but none of them answered. I should have guessed that they would all abandon me. Not one of them had ever visited me or even asked my mum or my brother how I was doing.
I lay in my bed and just stared up at the ceiling. Another problem I was faced with was my insomniac. Everything was going just as mother and Marie had planned. How my life was supposed to be according to them. In just one week I would start a fresh at a new school. I couldn’t wait.