Discussion of "The Border" by ShadowMan

Oh my, oh my!!

You and your frigging 5s, Shadow. Showoff.

Well done mixing the technical with the natural, introducing another sinister element, and maintaining the tone of the original chapter. Fazal brings to mind the fact that this may be no country for old bloggers, either.

(I fear I may be writing myself over my head; if I'm going to continue your side, I'll need to do some heavy research; perhaps that's why I put my chapter last - so I won't feel obligated to add the next one. Tag - someone else is "it.")

Just tryin' to keep up with you, ole boy ;)

wow. damn.
shadow...man. this is the ****.
What I like: Fazal Chaudry is a bad **** character. And you’ve added dimension to the storyline by finally branching off from the main character. The tension was palpable.
Nice f’en work.
constructive criticism/personal opinion: okay, we all know I’m not good with critiquing. All I can say is this…maybe you could have spent a line or two describing our boy Fazal. Yea, as experienced readers we are capable of drafting our own visions…however, if this character is to continue, as it seems he will…not a bad idea to spend a sentence or two telling your reader a few minor details. Just a color or two for the imagination palate…then allow the reader to paint the rest. We know he is from Pakistan. Maybe as he is driving…describe his love for his pets, or the stack of porno lying on the seat beside him. Since being in America his craving for peanut butter Twix and mountain dew. Perhaps his struggle with Muslim values in an American setting. That might be a little deep…however anything to add depth and humanization to his character.
Whatever. Just a personal opinion. It may be that you don’t want us to connect with this guy at all. And that’s fine too. See…my criticism sucks!

My vote was a 5. Because I thought you did a sensational job of continuing the plot while not sticking solely to the story line on the table. And it was well written. And you introduced a new character.

Thanks Dog and I really appreciate the criticism -- you are correct that the character needs a little subtle fleshing out. This is no excuse, but when I write here at SM, I engage in what Stephen King refers to as 'closed door writing', which means I just put it down as it comes out of my head and hope I'm not interrupted during the process ;) When I used to write more often, the details you refer to would have come out in the second draft; though in this case I would have been stingy with them. I wanted Fazal to be more like a force of nature, not someone I expected the reader to identify with and have any sympathy about. If I add any more to this mash I'll introduce some of his inner thoughts, but don't expect any real depth. Fazal is a machine; cold, efficient and merciless.

Perfectly stated Shadow.
I completely understand where you’re coming from.
See…told ya my critiquing sucked!

p.s. Huge King fan! The ‘Long walk’ is one of my favorite all time short stories!

No, you made a very valid point. My first drafts should contain at least shadows of those elements -- thanks, things like this (and Katoftroys's comment about including a girl in the earlier chapter) make me a better writer!

Since this was my first attempt at anything on Storymash, I wanted to pick something to continue that was well done and had endless possibilities to go with. This piece by ShadowMan had to be the one. Great Job. I'm giving it a 5.

Well, I screwed up, Shadowman. I'm still a novice at this board and still need to work out the publishing details. My piece titled, "The Professional Assassin" should have been titled "The Border: Chapter 2". Oh well, next time I'll get it straight. LOL

Not a problem, and actually most of us use unique titles too. Thanks for the vote and I'm off to read your mash.

Hey, ShadowMan, great chapter. If you have time, do me a favor and read one I'm working on right now, and let me know what you think. The first chapter is called The Pandora Project, and it goes on from there. Thanks!

Hi Shadowman. I wrote a continuation of The Professional Assassin. Let me know what you think if you get a chance.