Content with its find, a bird flew to its brand new perch on top of a 30 foot tree. The scarf that was draped there was quite comfortable.
Alright, so now all I had to do was get away with murder. People did it all the time, right?
I pulled the knife out of the corpse and set it down on the ground. Couldn't be forgetting that. I started to unbutton the coat. I figued if there were any traces of me on him, it would all pretty much be on the coat itself. Pretty considerate of the guy to wear that thing all the time. As I was finishing unbuttoning the coat, I heard footsteps coming down the alley. ****. I quickly grabbed the knife and started to run without looking back.
"Stop!" shouted the woman in the alley. She started running after me. I was running as fast as I could in the other direction with a head start, but I could hear that she was gaining on me. Dammit. I swore that if I got out of this one I would totally be investing more time in exercise.
She was now right behind me. I could hear her hard breathing behind. She reached out and grabbed my shoulder, and...
"So, why'd you kill the guy?"
"Well that's easy," I said, "I read this book once about this sexy genetically engineered courier lady, and in this one scene she's on a boat and a nearby boat explodes. So immediately she jumps into the water and looks back at her friend who's still on the boat with just this stupid look on her face. And then another missle comes and blows up that boat, naturally killing everyone on it. Anyway, moral of the story is people can never make quick necessary decisions. They usually hesitate, which ends up getting them killed."
"So you're saying you killed the guy because he gave you a knife?"
"Basically," I said.
"You're pretty dumb."
"Yeah," I said, "maybe thinking about it would've been a good idea this time. But hey, at least I don't have to feel bad about it, the guy was a total dick.'
"I guess. But you at least have to work on your one-liners. 'I just like muffins'? What the hell is that?"
"Yeah," I conceded, "but the guy was dying. I couldn't exactly tell him to hold on while I brainstormed."
"If you say so. Anyway what happened next with the girl and the body?" he asked."Well, you're not gonna believe it," I said laughing, "so after falling all over each other when she chased me down, we totally came back to my place and did it. Crazy, right?"
"What!?" he said, "wait, what did you do with the body?"
"Oh, that," I said, "totally set that on fire. Awful smell. But yeah, boned right after."
"You're ridiculous," he said.
"Hey, dumbass," said Rose, "if you're going to talk about me, can you at least wait til I'm gone?"
"Hey, I gotta go," I said quickly," I'll call you back."
Hanging up the phone, I turned around to face the woman in my bed. She was wearing nothing, not even a smile.
"Sorry about that," I said shyly, "it's not often that this stuff happens to me. Or anyone else, I'd imagine."
"Well, enjoy it while it lasts," she said, getting up. I lay there, watching her as she put on her underwear and bra. I put my underwear on as she buttoned up her jeans and reached in her purse.
"I gotta go," she said, closing her phone, "work."
My eyes bulged. "What the hell is that?"
"This?" she held up her cell phone, "it's a cell phone strap."
"What?!" I exclaimed, "no one has a cell phone strap in this country!" But that wasn't really the reason why my eyes bulged. I didn't really care about the fact that she had a strap. What I did care about was that the strap was a cutesy little mini muffin. A muffin! Even knowing that it was obviously fake and plastic and the size of a thimble, seeing it made me want to leap at it and stuff it in my mouth. It took a lot of self control not to do just that.
"Why the hell do you have a muffin cell phone strap?!" I asked.
"Let's just say I have a flair for the suspiciously coincidential," she said whimsically.
I thought about that for a minute, "wait no. I call ****. That doesn't make any sense!"
"Take it up with the guy at the keyboard. Anyway, I gotta run. Call you later," and with that she was out the door.
What the hell was going on? How did these random people keep finding me? And why was the world hellbent on preventing me from eating a muffin!?
I walked to the door, "forgot something?" I asked as I opened the door.
I was on the floor, with all the wind knocked out of my lungs. Again, I was covered in water. I caught my breath after about 30 seconds and managed to get up. There were two muscley men standing in my doorway. I looked towards my kitchen. The kettle was in its rightful place. I looked at my assailants.
The one who had hit me looked down at his kettle for a second, "yes, we did. Pretty creative of us, wouldn't you say?"
"Put some clothes on," said the other one in an equally straight voice, "you're coming with us. There's someone you need to talk to."
"Yeah, alright" I said, giving up. I changed out of my now soaked underwear and put on the same jeans, shirt and hoodie.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
Came the kettle again. This time it clocked me right in the head.