All Comments by RavenLebeau

Oh yes, and I specifically wanted to say I loved the demon turning out to be an angel. Great!

Great ideas here! You did A LOT of development in this. I think you were rushed, but I love the plot twists you threw in here.

I'll say this- the first part didn't seem quite up to your usual standards. I think you were (consciously or otherwise) trying to hard to mimick others' writing styles. By about midway through, you were yourself again, and from then on it was awesome.

It's not bad to try to experiment with different writing styles. The thing that detracted from the first part of this chapter was the constant use of adjective/noun combos.

You're usually really good about not doing that.

You use images instead, which is what writing teachers would tell you to do. It's also more enjoyable to read. Brief example: instead of saying "he was a tall man" you might say "he had to duck to get through the doorway". (The second being the good example.)

At any rate, once you got in your groove with this chapter, you did a lot of great work! I'm voting a 4.

It means "glee at another's misfortune". I find it odd that there's no English word for such an emotion, as it's the most common one there is :)

Sure, that sounds intriguing. That's a great premise, and a perfect project for this site.

Thanks! I loved the title "Nuns on Motorcycles"... when I read the chapter, I didn't see much potential, with such an awful protagonist. (Not awful writing, just an unsympathetic character.) I decided to make a satire of it... glad someone enjoyed it :) I had fun, but not exactly a comment magnet.

Sounds like a good timeline! In the other storyline I contributed to, Halloween came and went, which makes the rest kind of anticlimactic, doesn't allow for building on the whole "this will be a sinister Halloween" hint. Still a good storyline, but I like the buildup here.

Amen- existentialists rock! Kirkegaard, Nietzsche, Doestevsky... Warren Buffet (he may be a stock investor, but he's still pretty darn existential).

Now, Psycho, if you're reading... keep in mind that the preacher may be an evil entity not tied to any real religion, modern or ancient. He could well be using folklore and scripture and misconceptions to create chaos... You can definitely take this story in a direction that doesn't paint any religion in a negative light. In fact, you could use this chapter as a springboard to introduce more historical facts on Druids, if you wanted to! You could have the main character use some sort of Druid magic to fight the preacher and send him back to whatever Plutonian fantasy world he came from :) Just tossing out ideas! I'm sure you'll think of something great!

Keep in mind, the following excerpt refers to the Bible, not the Druid history:

"“So,” I thought, “God makes certain people; people who are sinners and unless they repent their sins, he has them programmed for destruction!” I knew there was a reason I could never get behind faith and religion. What kind of crap was this?"

As far as the religion debate goes, I want to add that WWB did something very well here; note that while he did rely in Pagan stereotypes, he also pointed out issues with the Old Testament. In fact, he interpreted the passages he cites in a very sinister way. The "preacher" character is, at this point, looking like the antagonist in this story, and yet he is a supposed "Christian".

It's true that there are people even today who call themselves Pagan and don't need any bad PR. But WWB made it pretty clear that he isn't singling out Pagans any more than he is Jews or Christians.

lol... your chapter had more compelling things than the bowl. Nightmares, phantom laughter, a chilling knock on the door... The bowl kinda faded into the background :) I think dog's right though- more than one bowl. Or worse, Caroline's got lost in a box in the attic or something, so they bought a cheap replacement. The fact that Caroline's got switched with the cheap replacement is another miracle/magic trick. That works. That could actually be fixed in a later chapter. "Now that I think about it, I haven't seen the black cat bowl since we moved here... I'd filled up the cheap one for Halloween..." That does it :)

Since it feels arrogant to say "your weakness is..." let me add this-
your strength is the ability to seamlessly meld real history, mythology, etc. and your own ideas. Not only that, but creating a plot that's as interesting as the ideas themselves. That's rare. A good premise and plot can keep a reader interested regardless of style issues. I only offer critique for one reason-

When you get that "it's not right" feeling, I want you to have some ideas as to why "it's not right". That way you can produce writing you truly feel is optimal.

I think what it comes down to is that we all have buttons to push. I knew this Baptist girl in junior high and she reacted very strongly to anything she considered against her religion. Taro cards? Bad! (That's a whole story in and of itself...) Evolution? Evil! Her spiritual buttons were easily accessed. Anything mystical outside the context of her faith called the "that's evil" sub function, and it just kept running.

Now, I think seeing your own kids raised from the dead would push anyone's buttons. So the "what the hell is going on with my dead relatives" function should be running in the foreground, and it should be creating pop-up windows left and right. (Yes, my husband and I really do talk this way. We're geeks. It's in our main functions.)
You're a good writer as-is, don't get me wrong. But I think the recurring weakness I see is a lack of attention to your protagonist's mental processes. You might try getting "in character" when you write :) Some people, like dogdeity, seem to do it naturally. Honeygloom does it well, not sure if she does it with or without trying. But I don't see why it can't be a conscious activity rather than an automatic one.

Yep, it's too soon for the actual connection to be revealed. I'm thinking there should be a mental connection right about now, though. In the very first chapter, the preacher asked about the dead family. So the connection was made. The main character should be considering everything in that context. He should be pondering what the connection will be. It's a matter of keeping perspective, making sure the story is seen through the eyes of the character. In movies and TV, it's really hard to do that, but scrip writers know it's important, so they try. They'll usually rely on using telling shots where the camera zooms in on something (like the magically restored bowl, or a picture of the wife and kids, the guy's wedding ring, etc. in this story).

It's kind of like the Amish man in the other chapter of yours- I thought it was a little odd that he didn't react more strongly to the Pagan god idea, that he didn't interpret it in the context of his faith. It's the same thing here; it seems a little strange that Dez Rand doesn't try to interpret the preacher's "miracle", and his google findings, in the context of his tragedy and what he saw with the kids appearing on Halloween.

One thing I think could have been an improvement... This is a story about a guy dealing with loss, and doing so well at it. Dogdeity made the bold move of having the family not just dead, but brutally murdered! Your continuation here adds a lot to the story, as I said before, but it's missing one thing- a connection to the main theme/plot.

The "vessel made unto dishonor" could be the murderers. Rand might wonder if he's supposed to destroy them, seek revenge, if that's the preacher's message. Or maybe the family was murdered ("sacrificed") in a Druidic ritual? Maybe he hopes that the preacher could magically put his family back together like the clay bowl?

Everything you have in this chapter is great, and I do think it warrants a five, since the next person can always take what you've written and make the connection back to the theme.
I'm not trying to find fault, just kinda tossing around ideas.

Another thing you did well- you did a good job of trying to keep the style consistent. While it's clear that there are different writers working on this, the style doesn't change enough to be distracting. That's something I think everyone on this storyline has done well.

Vote: 5

Excellent integration of research and imagination! You expand on the Bible verse and add to it (perfect addition). You emphasize the sinister nature of the quotation and leave a lot of ambiguity. Is the preacher the vessel made unto dishonor, or is Rand? Is the preacher sent to punish sinners? Or perhaps to redeem them? Maybe he's not a bad guy after all...

I chose the name Rand because it's Scottish, and with the Druidic origins of Halloween, I thought it would have implications for the protagonist's ancestry. (You read my mind!)

Now, I must admit, I googled "Wineas Randolph" to see if you actually found that story or made it up. I take it to be the latter, although I didn't look all that hard. Point being, it has verisimilitude out the proverbial wazoo! (Now there's a sentence that would be hard to say out loud with a straight face...)

Anyway, this chapter adds a lot of depth to the story and gives the next writer a fun springboard.

I know the feeling- sometimes something I write just doesn't "click". Psycho gave your ideas a nice little nudge, then I predictably spent a thousand words on character development :)

I have to say, all in all, for something cobbled together like Frankenstein's monster, this storyline isn't bad. I'm actually having fun with this project... very much looking forward to what people will come up with.

I'm surprised at how people are able to let the story come first. Usually collaborative stuff involves everybody trying to turn their chapter into their own personal vision.

The fact that this was organized by by people who agreed to take certain chapters is probably the difference.

Maybe we should take the highest voted storyline, publish it, and donate the proceeds to charity (because splitting them up between so many people would be more hassle than it's worth). It would be an interesting enough gimmick it might just work :)

Musing on present tense... I think it has a more "laid back" feel (only used with first person, btw), probably because that's how a lot of people tell stories about themselves. It feels natural, like you're talking to a friend. "So I'm walking my dog, and I see this car..." If you put it in past tense, it sounds more formal, like you're giving a police report or something. "I was walking my dog when I saw the car..." It's stilted. You get the feeling it's something that, as you said, has been thought out. So if it's been thought out, then you're getting the cut version. In the present tense, you get the feeling you're privy to everything, because it's basically an unfiltered stream of consciousness.

Now on the other hand, present tense third person would be awful... then it sounds like someone's being spied on or something.

Wow... I didn't think about the bowl... just a random thought of mine that found it's way into the story :) You're right- there must be two. One with all the good stuff like the M&M's and one with the Smartees and atomic fireballs and those little licorice things. I noticed the types of candy were getting more diverse as the story went along. Gotta be some place to put all that :)

lol- I LOVE Rome- Total War!

I was disappointed when I didn't get elephants after I conquered the African part of the map though :(

I do remember the "Incendiary pigs"... I had one of my cities on auto-allocation, and I looked at my garrison... they have the little icons for each unit type, so "ok, guy in armor, horse, guy in different armor... pig? What the hell? Why do I have a pig enlisted in my army??" I like how they have a write-up about each unit. They explained the pigs very well. (Although against non-elephant armies, all you'd be doing is feeding the enemy with barbeque pork. I guess you could shoot them with arrows while they chow down, so it might be good strategy :) )

I liked the war dogs too. I think they sound-sampled real dogs. Everytime I clicked on the dogs, my Lab would go crazy, running around the house and looking for the phantom pups.

Tense is a choice- I almost always use past tense, as it's the standard choice for commercial works. However, my personal preference is for present tense, especially in pieces like this one that involve a lot of internal reflection. I took my queue from the previous two authors and chose to use present tense. I noticed when I read the very beginning again, it was in past tense, so someone switched it along the way.

Some commercial works are written in present tense, so there's nothing "wrong" with it; it's just not standard, so it gives pieces kind of an "artsy" feel that could be misconstrued as pretention. Kind of like filming in black and white, I suppose.

lol... I did not check to see who followed! I'm glad it's you then! I really am fond of the idea of using the rest of the Bible verse as a premise. I liked your mythology research for one of the other storylines, gives the story a good grounding, I think.

I actually did know that quote by heart; it's in the game Civilization. I'm a real fanatic when it comes to RTS (real time strategy) :) And people say video games aren't educational... sigh.

Vote: 2 (I thought we were going to do that for transparency, so I have been.)

Again, I've been voting some things lower than I normally would, because I want to recognize my favorite chapters by voting them high. With only five numbers to choose from, that means that a good chapter can get a 2.

I liked your seven toed demon. The phone call is good- very eerie! You definitely set up the next person (which I think is me) to take off in any given direction (hmm... now I'll have to think of one). Good job building on previous chapters and taking the plot to a point of tension.

I docked you mostly for length (short). My only real issue was that the flashback seemed unneeded. Nash's flashback told a story that I wouldn't have guessed. I would not "know" the wife was Amish unless nash told that back story. On the other hand, I knew the couple had kids, so the pregnancy story just seemed like something I already knew.

Style-wise, I thought you had a few unnecessary modifiers (adverbs, adjectives, prepositional phrases) in the first couple paragraphs. That's an easy mistake to make, I do it all the time and only correct it well when I actually edit, which isn't often.

(Argh... I so hate voting. Reminds me of grading, which I always hated. But I totally agree with all the complaints about unexplained votes, so I'm trying to be clear about mine. I really don't mean to be negative or harsh here, but I do want to be clear and honest.)

Vote:3

Excellent use of mythology! Contrary to your assertion, this does indeed move the story along. I don't think anyone could deviate too much from the premise you set here and still have a decent story. If they don't continue to develop the demon/god idea, then your chapter would stick out as not belonging, and that's not how collaboration is supposed to work.

I like the set-up you give here. You've now put the story squarely in the horror/thriller genre. I think this revelation comes at just the right time. There is still a lot of potential for different developments, but we sort of see where its going. The story needed something like this to keep the reader's interest.

I really hate voting... I love your plot development here, but I docked you for a couple of reasons:

1. A little rushed in the style, kind of an info-dump. Not bad, but probably could use a little work on the execution.

2. I thought the Amish guy should have a stronger reaction to the "raising of a God" idea. He's a religious man, so I think he should have condemned the "preacher's" blaspheme and mentioned something about Christ protecting the faithful from evil (or something like that). He might also wonder if these ideas are common in the outside world and ask about it. After all, you have him not knowing about Halloween, so his community is very isolated. I think he would be shocked and wonder if the whole outside world is full of satanists or something.

Still a good chapter, but in a contest I feel compelled to differentiate between "good" "great" and "excellent".

Vote: 4

No reason not to give you a 5, except that this is a contest, and rating all the good stories a 5 doesn't help determine a winner.

This is an excellent contribution. I like how you brought together nash's backstory with the preacher from the beginning. I wasn't sure where this would go after nash's chapter. I thought maybe the family would have sent the preacher, but I like what you set up here a lot better. You took a couple of ideas that could have been connected in many different ways, and chose one that seems very promising.

Vote: 5

Well-written! Good use of details. (Humming "Old Macdonald", the joke about shooting the car, etc.) The Amish background gives the story an interesting dimension. The protagonist took this girl out of her home, away from her family, and (in their minds) got her killed. She was supposed to be "dead" to them anyway, but we all know personal feelings and religious ideals aren't necessarily the same. The fact that the brother came to the wedding shows there's someone out there who could be seriously upset about her death. This chapter adds a lot of potential to the story and is very well thought-out.

The features suggested in the next release are ok, but I'd rather see a systematic numbering for the story tree. It would eliminate confusion in the current contest. You could have the unique address of each chapter viewable when you put the mouse over that chapter on the story tree. People could still write their own titles.

Did you see my intro or know the verse? Guessing maybe both, as I'm sure you've done tons of Biblical research for your book. At any rate, that's exactly what I was thinking... I'm visualizing kind of a Ghost Rider scenario.

I'm hoping someone will pick up the honor/dishonor thread. I left the quote half finished so it sounds less ominous for now... kind of giving a false sense of security. "Ok, maybe he is just a preacher with healing powers from God... he did a nice little magic trick... A harmless show of power, like water to wine..."

Yeah, this is short and contains little development. I'm going to go back and change my own vote to a 3, just to be fair to others I voted down for having short chapters. I found out which chapter I was supposed to fill in on this morning, and I wanted to move things along since it was "past due". It's certainly not the sweetest apple on the October Chill tree, but maybe someone can do something interesting with it.

Like the last chapter, this one seems more of a nudge than an actual developement. It has a good use of details, the dreams, the breakfast choices. I like the insinuation that the preacher is the cause of the dreams. Or at least that his presence somehow sparked them.

You remind me a lot fo dogdiety11 in your choice of imagery (that's a compliment). Or he reminds me of you... I'm not saying anyone imitates anyone, just that you both choose details well, not boring the reader with info that feels extraneous. You fill in the setting through the lens of the character's perceptions, and that's a rare skill.

I wish I could give this a 3.5, as your characterization is great. I'm voting a 3 for the same reason I voted the preceeding chapter a 3. Other authors did more development in their chapters, so while your writing is of equal quality, it's not the same quantity. (This kind of thing is why I hate voting... maybe we should have a word count guideline for chapters in a contest?)

I take it you didn't like the idea of raising the dead?

This was an excellent way to "undo" dog's spooky resurrection. It's very believable, and creates an emotional response of sheepishnes in the reader. Kind of an "oh- I knew that" feeling. "Yeah, I knew they couldn't be back from the dead. Could they? The guy's just crazy. Right?" It leaves a little doubt, but breaks the momentum building toward the supernatural explanation.

It re-establishes disbelief, which will allow someone else to shock the reader anew with a supernatural twist (if someone else so desires.)

I'm voting a 3. This is a good chapter, but something this short would have to be rather spectacular to warrant a 4 or 5. No disrespect at all intended. I do think a long, good chapter probably requires more time and effort on the part of the author than a very short, good chapter.

Almost forgot... I love the word choice of "barely enough people to have a touch football game on Sunday".

This chapter is something I will use as an example when I critique other pieces of writing. While your style is unique and not something others could emulate exactly, you do one really important thing that's hard to teach; you manage to be descriptive without being boring.

Your "touch football game" image is a perfect example of that. You could have said, "it was a small town" and that would have been boring. Had you done that, a lot of critics would shake their heads in disapproval and say, "description is bad!" They don't really get it though; description is necessary, but you can't make it boring, can't let it get in the way of the story. So, how do you incorporate visual detail without detracting? That's virtually impossible to get across to someone, so I think I'll just link to this chapter. It's a perfect example of how description isn't inherently bad, just badly done by most people most of the time. You seem to be a natural at choosing details to include. If only I could steal your algorithm, cut and paste your source code, so to speak...

Rating this a 5.

You have a great meter with this one. Excellent flow. Like a lot of your work, this reads like a well-done freeverse poem. This is one of your best. If I were making detailed comments, there is very little I would flag.

Your images are perfectly chosen. Great juxtaposition between sweet and violent. I think I commented when I read your Oreo story about how it would be interesting to see you combine that sort of sentiment with your poetic brutality. You did exactly that here, and it works brilliantly, both emotional impacts being more extreme for the contrast.

I love your starting image- the bloody shirt. Love the memories attached to it. Another thing that sticks in my mind in a big way is the idea of stepping on the plastic toys. It works extremely well as a metaphor for painful memories.

Not sure I would have gone quite the direction you did plot-wise, but what you have is so masterfully written that I can't complain. This is extroidinary writing.

Now, when are you going to pick a project to focus on for publication? (Hey, if I don't nag, who will?)

For disclosure purposes: I voted a 4.

You have excellent pacing and vivid imagery here. I like the contrast between the man at the door being described as a preacher and as a sinister person. The fact that he's supposedly a "man of God" makes it a little ambiguous as to the protagonist's sanity. Is he being paranoid? Or is this visiter really something to be feared?

Raising questions is the purpose of a beginning, so this chapter does its job well!

This beginning offers many, many possibilites, from a simple story about loss and insanity to a supernatural tale, to a murder mystery, political thriller... probably other things I'm not even thinking of. Hence, it is an especially good start for a contest like this.

There are a few little wordcraft suggestions I would make if asked to critique. Not big issues, just little style things. That's why I voted 4 rather than 5. Excellent creativity with the potential to be an excellent piece of writing.

Furthermore, public comments lead to crowd mentality. It's the same kind of thinking that makes ugly items fashionable and ugly stocks inflated. People read something and agree with it for no good reason. Maybe I never would have noticed a mistake or flaw in a story, but because someone else pointed it out, all of a sudden it bothers me. Or maybe people leave comments like "only an idiot would like this story..." that makes people less likely to want to disagree.

If you want an individual's opinion, don't ask a group. Watch the movie "Runaway Jury" and you'll see exactly what I mean. (Basically the movie shows how two jurors manipulate the entire verdict.) The movie is fiction, but it hits home because I've seen the same thing happen whenever people work in groups. You don't get a collection of opinions so much as one or two strong willed people voiceing their opinions and swaying the others.

To learn from comments, writers need to judge those comments on their own merit. That's not easy to do when commentors are attacking and debating each other.

If there were a way to give PRIVATE feedback, then I would be more inclined to comment on stories. As it is, I feel like I have to choose between effusive praise and silence. It saps my enthusiasm for the whole site. If someone critises a piece of work, someone else leaps to defend it and pretty soon you have stupid flame war. That's not productive. Feedback should be private communication between the writer and the critic(s).

When I took education courses, and when I taught high school, I was always told to keep negative comments private. That means you don't make grades public, you don't discipline students in front of the class, etc. There is a good fundamental reason for that!

When you critize someone in "public" it can make the person feel humiliated or attacked. (You can say those feelings aren't justified, but facts are facts. Public "humiliation" is different than private criticism.)

to pull a hoax? I just wanted to see for myself if they'll "take anything". Now I know :) I tend to be skeptical of single-incident stories like the Atlanta Nights thing. All it takes is one employee in a bad mood and a company can have a major mistake. But apparently, it's not a one-time deal. I figured I'd add my results to the collective wisdom of the web.

I really hope you mean that ironically :) To be honest, I must admit, it was fun to write something deliberately bad for a change.

Bingo! I actually wouldn't have even posted it, but I decided "what the heck?" It had a couple of funny lines. But you're right, it could be skipped without sacrificing anything. You know, I was getting worried about word count, which is why I wanted to do three volumes. Turns out it's not that bad though, so (if I can get this thing taken down) my agent and I will need to decide if it would be better to have one long work. If that's the case, this chapter can totally go.

I'm actually glad you said what you did here, because it shows you and I are really on the same page.

Credit where credit is due- I learned most of that from the X-Men comics/cartoons.

I have a writing story I think you'll relate to...

When I had my soul-sucking hell-job teaching math, I had books and papers and stuff strewn all over, including one of my texts laying open on the floor. I had a full-color edition of the Age of Apocalypse compilation, and I was trying to read it for the nth time (I couldn't concentrate on anything at the time). I looked down at the text on the floor- all black and white. And back to the book in my hands- glorious color, imagination, possibility! It wasn't the fictional comic book realm I wanted to live in, but the creative world that the writers and artists are blessed to occupy. I cried when I watched the Evolution cartoon series, because it did what I wanted so badly to do- created characters so unique and funny and flawed and lovable that they capture the heart. If I could do that, it would be better than having all the mutant powers in the imagined Marvel universe :)

Well, a miracle, but the monkey's paw kind...

I don't speak German, but (as I'm sure you've noticed) the English language has a puzzling deficiency in lacking an equivalent of "Schadenfreude". It is, after all, the most common human emotion :)

Dog's a sweetheart. He also writes wonderfully gritty, gory fiction, which is quite a jarring juxtaposition- in a good way. (Peanut M&M).

I am very glad the two of you enjoyed reading my work, er, "stuff". (It's ludicrous to call my rambling "work"...) That means the world to me, it really does. So frustrating to think that maybe I COULD mean more to the world than just a bunch of numbers... IF I could get this dark stuff taken down...

My husband said I had as much chance of getting published as a little boy has of becoming a pro basketball player. So I gave up my soul, worked at a real job until I had a total nervous breakdown. (I hate work.)

That's why I put this up here, because I had no hope that anyone would/could care about anything I had to say. Now I feel like I threw something away that could have been my shot at... meaning.

I love trading, but let's be honest, it's a game. I'm making a living, but I wanted to do more with my life than play a game. (Without having to do any work.) Apparently I blew that with a mouse click.

Thanks again for the encouragement. I'm dearly regretting posting here, but I'd never heard of Publish America, and I had no idea how to go about finding an agent who would get me read by a real publisher. Now it looks like I may have some options... If you really think you can get it published, make me an offer on % of royalties by e-mail. I'll send you the more revised draft.

Hm... well... if A. I can get this durn thing taken down from this site and B. you're willing to put your time where your typing is, you could be my literary agent :) I sent you an e-mail. I'd far, far rather share royalties with you than have to query publishers! (I'm sooo done with that whole "work" thing- yuck!)

You "don't care" about the work being removed? It really is a legal issue, so I just want to make sure that you're fine with my chapters being taken down.

I know that's what you meant (and I appreciate that you would be willing to allow me to remove the work- thanks), it's just good to have things "in writing".

Or I could very nicely ask someone to allow me to remove them, as I made an admitted mistake in publishing them here. Mind you, were I to do such an outlandishly horrible thing, it would be with the full understanding that that "someone" is under no obligation to agree to such a request and has every legal right to refuse.

In the polite world, sometimes people make such requests. Sometimes, out of the goodness of their hearts and the generosity of their spirits, others grant requests when they are under no obligation to do so.

The work written by Hunts is his very own work, and therein lies the issue- he has every right to have that work posted here, and to have the preceding chapters, which are my work, left up in order for his continuation to make sense.

I cannot legally make any claim to anything posted here nor have I in any way attempted to do so. I have simply made a request that Hunts can either agree to or reject.

Believe it or not, I would ask him anyway, legal issues aside. I have enough respect for his work to do so. And I have enough faith in humanity to believe that if he has no real desire to keep it up, he will allow it be removed. I also believe that if he does say it needs to stay up, then it is obviously something important to him and he fully deserves to exercise his prerogative to say it stays. Either way, it's his choice, and he doesn't need your dubious "support", as he has not even replied.

I'm not sure why you feel offended by someone you don't know making a polite request of someone else.

Why you feel the need to interject your rudeness into the discussion eludes me as well. If your goal is to make the world a less pleasant place, then pat yourself on the back. Good job.

Sorry for contacting you this way about something not related to this story.

I was wondering if I could have your permission to request that a work of mine, which you continued, be removed from this site. Since you continued one of the chapters, I would need your permission before the webmaster would consider granting my request to have the work removed.

The chapter of yours that would be affected is this one:

http://storymash.com/u/HuntsFamousWolf/piveperi/

Thanks for reading (even at the risk of your employers' ire). No matter what it is you get paid to do, I can say in all certainty that the encouragement you give to people on this site is at least as valuable :)

Thanks!

I inquired with Publish America. They don't say on their web page of the have to have first publication rights or not. No idea if they'd be interested anyway.

I also checked out the Amazon thing, which I may do.

Question for you- when you read the last chapter (not "return 0", that's an epilogue... "return 0" is the default last line of a C++ function) tell me if you think that's a good place to break. I didn't intend for anything to be tied up, since I want to have three volumes. Still, I was debating whether to break where I did or to write one more chapter before ending this book and starting the next.

This one ends with not much having happened as I have it, which would give me a dramatic start for the next. Or would it be better to end on a dramatic note? I'd definitely like your opinion when you get there.

One general comment... the fact that you can write something like this without seeming juvenille is a testament to your talent. It just dawned on me that someone could easily take this story and write it badly, in such a way that it looked like a bunch of cheesy, cheap shock tactics.

It doesn't feel that way at all. In fact, I think you're quite a Dostoevsky. (Have you read The Underground Man?) You're like a modern, streamlined Dostoevsky. You write more efficiently than he does, but your work has the same feel to it.

Now this- this is virtually perfect. I say "virtually" because I've started to examine your work more closely, looking for anything that detracts even slightly.

There were two slightly distracting things:
1. "Even so, I’m not really into odds. I don’t take them into account when I bet on football or horses. I don’t factor them into my poker play and each time I light up a smoke I think nothing of how the odds of me developing lung cancer just greatly improved."

The phrases "take them into account" and "factor them in" and the lung cancer line have that bland white-collar feel that doesn't mesh with the rest of the piece.

I like your juxtaposition of literary vocabulary and gritty language. This line:
"Perfunctory maggots, wasting their lives slithering from one garbage bag to the next…just waiting for that one day when they will sprout wings and fly away in search of their heaping mound of **** future."

is PERFECT.

Juxtaposing the poetic language with the sick, dirty reality of your setting is great. It works. It's shocking, it's edgy.

I don't mind that the character has a seedy life and a good vocabulary. I like the smart lines. But the lines that have a bland feel to them aren't up to your standard.

2. the "light through a prism" metaphor just isn't apropos.

Small, small distractions. Really tiny.

You were so "on" when you did this chapter. This is a perfect balance of the character's musings and the action. I remember commenting about another piece of yours that it was all great content, but halfway through I wondered how it related to the plot.

What you did here is exactly how you want to balance the musings and the action. It kept my attention consistently, never seeming rushed or rambling.

The opening is a perfect hook, and the tangent about Janeane Garofalo at the end is a terrific tangent. It's "out there" enough to give us the feeling that this guy doesn't think in a linear fashion. But it's brief enough that it doesn't have a "get on the with the story now" feel. It's a surprise that does its job, doesn't try to steal the show.

Nice title. I came expecting a story, but I suppose I got something for clicking on this... I'll have to check out some of the titles on your list here. (Thanks for the endorsement, btw.)

Ok, you don't want to use my revision as a final draft, and I know that. I hope you enjoy what I did and have fun reading it. Maybe it'll give you some ideas. I couldn't get it perfect... it's like writing code. Sometimes I see how something needs to work. Then sometimes I don't, and looking back, I don't know what I saw before. Kinda wish I'd done the re-write at the time. Anyway, let me know if these links work. I made some comments on the original just so you could see what I was thinking. It's a great story. I basically pointed out some places where you seemed to be breaking your own "rules" as in not following the style from the first chapter.

I'm not saying everything I did is "better". Mainly I hope it gives you some ideas of how you can perfect what you're trying to do.

If I had to bet on your reaction, I'd say you'll see the issues I pointed out and find better ways to fix them than I did :) That would be the optimal outcome.
http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dgp94d4c_2dq2xd3d6

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dgp94d4c_1fxzcn5dc

http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dgp94d4c_0g9c2zqc7

Oh, and books- mostly fantasy/sci-fi. I think you could probably give us some good recommendations. We loved the Harry Potter books (in spite of the fact that I loathe hyped things as a rule). We also loved the Lemony Snicket series (laugh if you like. By the end they were full of bitter social commentary, erudite literary allusions, and dark humor.)

you're one of few people who has seen the true depths of my geekiness. Ok, maybe not the TRUE depths. But pretty close to it. So you can probably make good recommendations without thinking too hard :)

I love Firefly! Serenity is my favorite movie, loved the theme, loved the setting... I actually found out after I watched it that it was based on a TV series. My husband and I have the DVD set :) It has the original pilot, and at least two extra episodes (I don't remember how many were extra, since they were all knew to me.) The storytelling on that show was so great. My favorite episode was the one that starts with Mal sitting naked in the middle of the desert looking defeated, but philosophical as he says something like, "yep, that went well." What a hook.

Another awesome DVD is X-Men Evolution (especially 2nd and third seasons). First season was all watered down and saccahrine. Then the second season got a little hint of irony- kid's show, adult sense of humor. By the third season, they had dropped the kiddie facade altogether. At that point it got as gritty as the Chris Clairmont comics. No easy outs. People screw up, they don't always learn their lesson, and not everything can get fixed. Sometimes you don't even know if someone did screw up because there wasn't a right course of action. It's rare to see any show- let alone a cartoon- take characterization to that level. And the series ending is about the best plot resolution I have ever seen. In any medium. Interstingly, Clairmont is listed as a writer, but not for any individual episode. I have a feeling he had a hand in the 3rd season. (He's the genius behind the story for the 2nd movie, although it's only loosely derived from his work.)
So now you know what to look for if you get a chance to rummage through used DVD's :)

Mwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! My inner control freak is unleashed. Now I can fiddle and fuss without fear!

You should always stick to your guns when you're right- that's one lesson I've learned in the school of hard knocks. (Not in writing, in finance, but still.)

I think if someone is really going to give a useful critique, it has to be someone who "gets" you. I had this awesome friend in grad school... he would come to my office and say, "have you started the homework?" And of course I hadn't. So I'd start taking a look at the problems and writing up my solutions. My friend wouldn't have come up with those solutions, but he would immediately get what I was trying to do. He'd catch me whenever I made dumb little errors. I was leading the charge, he always had my back, helping me get where I wanted to go. My vision. His vigilance.

Now that's math.

In writing, it's harder to find someone to be a Clark to your Lewis. It's easier to find people who want to drag you off in another direction, or people who don't even get it enough to make suggestions. We'll see what I can do with this chapter :) You can tell me if I get it or not.

My point... I had one... where did that damn thing go... oh. There it is. Yes, my point.

Improving your writing isn't about taking everyone's ideas. It's about finding a few genuine supporters. That doesn't mean you'll always agree with those people, just that they respect what you're trying to do. ANd not just enough to enjoy what you wrote, what's in front of them. Enough to see where you're going and help you get there. Vision and vigilance.

Oh, and I've been meaning to ask you- do you by chance like the show Dexter? If you've never watched it, you should. Right up your alley. It's this melange of morbid, surreal, funny, and sometimes surprisingly touching. I think if their screenwriter disappeared from the face of the earth, you could take his/her place and no one would know the difference. That's how much that show reminds me of your work. (For the record, I in no way condone acts of violence toward screenwriters :) ) I'm just saying. If they DID need a replacement...

That sounds awesome. I love his character on Frasier. My husband and I like audio books a lot, we just took a road trip and it was a great way to enjoy the drive.

I just googled Ben Foster to job my mind (now I remember him- Angel! How could I forget an X-Man?). Anyway, by some odd coincidence, in the pic that I found he has this intense expression that could be anything and so it's scary. It's full of emotion, but you don't know what exactly. It's like he could burst into tears, or burst out laughing, or kick the crap out of someone, or give a heartfelt monologue about his grandmother, and I wouldn't make any bets either way. That definitely fits your character to a tee.

Oooh! It just dawned on me... (maybe someone pointed this out... I'm slow)... if you track who voted for what (with or without publishing that info) then you could do a "people who liked chapter x also liked chapter y". You know, Amazon's itemwise comaprison algorithm? That would help people find new stuff they like to read based on what they already like.

Here's my issue with voting- I don't feel it's fair to vote if you haven't read all (or at least several) of the entries. As it is, we tend to read certain writers over and over again. That's fine, except that it puts new writers at a real disadvantage in the contest. They don't get voted down, they just don't get voted on.

That's why I hate voting. I don't want to read everything, but I hate giving an endorsement (or vote of no confidence) to one person when I haven't read all the competition.

Maybe there should be some minuimum number of different writers you have to vote on in order for ANY of your votes to count? Of course no one has time to read anyone, but if you at least read, say, a smample of five, that's better than getting on and reading one or two people.

Do you mean the user who voted should be recorded as having made that vote, or do you mean that data should be posted?

I personally don't mind having my name next to anything I vote on. (I have a different issue with voting, but I digress...)

But there is a good reason for "secret ballots" so to speak. There's money involved in these contests. To some of us, it's not a lot, but I can sure remember back to a time when $300 would have been a lot to me. If people know their vote is being recorded and posted, and that their input might cause a friend to lose out on money, it might motivate them not to vote.

And of course if someone gets flamed or "retaliated" against for voting something down, then they might just feel it isn't worth it to participate in voting.

Now, I am with you 100% on the data being collected! If you see your work being treated unfairly, you could report it to the webmaster, who could find the offending voter and ban them.

This is a great story- good plot, decent writing, but not what you had in the first chapter. It's... slightly off key somehow. I wouldn't make that comment based on the quality of this piece (it's great). I make the comment in comparison with your first chapter, which was a real work of art. Would you be offended if I edited this and tried to make it match?

I must say, I have little interest in trying to continue someone else's story. But I have this obsessive desire to take something that's almost perfect and make it click. To me, that's what "collaboration" should be- not that I would be collaborating so much as giving input on little tweaks.

And to reiterate... I only get these obsessive urges when something is almost exactly optimal. It's not that I think I write better than you- it's that I think I "get" what you're trying to do stylistically. And I think I can make this fit YOUR style a little better than it does now. Would you be interested to see an edit?

I'm right now trying to decide why I have a smile on my face. I guess because I'm a morbid, twisted soul...

This is some of your best work here! You're a wonderful writer, but this needs to be PERFORMED. I can almost hear the narrator speaking. It's perfect. Absolutely perfect. If there is any way you could read some of your stuff on a radio show or something, that would be the best venue.

I love the details you choose to include- Christmas candles, tailored suit now ragged. You're a real minimalist, in a way, but somehow you pick all the right lines for the sketch.

I have one critique though. Nix the first line. It's from a song (intentially?), and it sort of distracted me for a minute, took me away from your story trying to think of where I'd heard it. That's so the opposite what your writing is about- everything else pulled me in.

Other than that though... awesome.

I have another scrap of rambling up, btw. Which is what I stopped by to say, but now I'll be reading more of this morbid masterpiece.

Thanks! I've never gotten a partridge in a pear tree. My cats say thanks too... they like little birdies.

I'll be glad to drop you a note when I've added the next bit of rambling. Not hard since I'll be back to your page anyway- you've got a lot of good things going! I always have fun when I drop by. I want to see where you take that Fight-Club-esque thing. And the 15 minutes.

Awww... thanks. Yeah, I seriously debated putting this up here, but I don't care about the money (I actually mean that. I love my "job" as a trader and I write while I monitor positions.) I do care about making a contribution to the world, about being something other than a set of numbers. If you enjoyed reading this, then I consider that a big accomplishment. If anyone else enjoyed reading it (besides you and Honeygloom) I'd consider that a miracle :) Seriously, publishers get so many manuscripts it's a crap shoot. Worse than a long call on a tech stock. So I figured I had more chance to reach people here.

I may do the amazon.com self-publish thing when I'm finished with this. (I've got to get motivated and stop working on the sequel. I tend to work on whatever captured my attention rather than what's chronologically next.)

And you're right about the error. I do leave words out all the time. This was a funny one. It gets really bad when the word is "not" :)

When I have everything written, I'll have to sit down and edit/revise, get everything ship-shape if want to do Amazon. I may need to recruit a proofreader then...

I guess I work like an artist... block out the outline (this draft), then erase the stray lines, then get the details perfect.

And if I do get it bound, I'll send you a signed copy :) You know, just so it looks like I sold one.

Another dark one. But I LOVE the last line. "When I die I want my body driven around in a shiny black car so that everyone can see their reflections in it and see themselves in death."

It's not just the meaning, it's the meter. That line has a perfect meter- it's a little poem in and of itself. Good imagery too.

Interesting how one little line like that can grab at you- it's a soundbite, and I can almost hear it spoken by a narrator.

Voting on comments is a great idea! It's perfect, really. I think people should have the right to disagree about a story, BUT it's a shame when someone's comment page turns into a verbal smackdown (I stooped to replying to someone who complained about a comment I made, so I'm guilty here). It would kind of put a lid on that if, instead of saying, "so-and-so's comment was bad" you could just click a button and rate a comment. It would be a way to tell the author, "hey, I didn't think it was so bad" without having to get into a debate. I just hate it when comment pages turn into discussions that have nothing to do with the story, don't you?

Good title! I expected it might be funny from the title, which it isn't, but still, the title got me to click on it, so it did it's job.

Very well-written! It's a sad character sketch, really vivid. Morbid, real, cutting. It's so sad that people think drugs that hurt can help, that no one deserves to be happy, they'd rather give these hurtful, horrible poisons and say, "having a life worth living is a luxury." Not "you deserve to be happy". Not "seize teh **** day and take what you want". Just you have to "cope with depression" which is **** because if you reject all their lies and seize the day, you don't. But they want to hurt. They don't want you to make money trading options, they don't want you to prove them wrong, to prove that you don't have to deal with depression. They lead their horrible, sad little lives, and they hurt people because the feel trapped. I hate them.

You definitely captured the evil of the mental health industry here! Makes me want to go kill someone... but exposing their lies by being successful taking the opposite of their advice is better than killing them. (At least I keep telling myself that).

Dark, dark subject, and clearly you captured it well.

I liked this- very funny, extremely creepy. And on the whole (yes, the dreaded qualifier) it does what a beginning should- it raises questions that make one want to read the rest.

The only thing I'd really flag is the first few lines, which had a stilted, choppy feel. The physical descriptions didn't add much to the story or set a good tone. I debated whether to comment on that, but decided I would, since the rest of the piece is much better.

In fact, the rest is perfectly timed and has a pace that keeps me interested without being distracted by mechanical issues.

Now, I'm sure you had something in mind when you started this... It would be interesting to see where you're going. I was a little miffed to see you hadn't done more with this one; that shows you did a great job setting up a scenario, or the outline of one anyway. It's intriguing.

Maybe have a better rating system instead of forcing people to leave comments? Some game review sites break things down so the game gets a score for graphics, sound, gameplay, reaplay value, etc. Then the scores are normed into a scalar value. Such a system is good because it forces people to really think about what they're rating. They have to consider multiple aspects of the story, not just an overall, knee-jerk reaction.

People could then have some idea why their work is getting rated low (or high). And it would be easier for voters than having to leave a comment. It would also create less friction between members and less hurt feelings. I think getting a numerical rating is more emotionally neutral than reading words someone chose to describe the crappiness of your work :)

Of course in the best of all possible worlds, no one would take offense at constructive feedback and no one would leave harsh, unhelpful comments. Sadly, I've seen both (not on my work, so it's not a personal issue for me, just a matter of principle).

So then it becomes a matter of choosing catergories for rating...

characterization/dialogue- does the author show the characters as unique and interesting or are they boring, generic names?

plot- is this going somewhere? Does it make me want to read more so I can find out what happens? (Or does it tie up the story in a satisfying way, if it's an ending or a stand alone.)

pacing- does it keep me absorbed throughout the whole thing, or are there bits I want to skim because they don't seem important or interesting? Conversely, does it feel rushed, like I'm not being told enough, left out of the loop?

style- does the author choose vocabulary, sentence structure, analogies, similies, and metaphors appropriate to the piece? Is the piece easily readable so that I don't get hung up deciphering run on sentences or puzzling at bizare word choices?

technicals (as in grammar and spelling)- self-explanatory

I'm not saying those are the greatest categories... the idea would need refinement, of course.

Cool ideas all around, with one hesitation...

The "no comment no vote" feature is fine with me, since people can opt out of it. HOWEVER, I think it will create more unhappiness than it's worth. People who want to give a chapter a low rating will have to explain why, or at least say something, and that will scratch some of the fragile egos around here. It will also discourage voting by people who can't think of something to say (and yes, I have an alternative to propose).

btw, this is something I hope you continue. It doesn't work well as a stand alone :) The cookie story you can be done with. It was cute, but I think you did what you needed to there. This needs some development (as in more chapters).

I'll have to come back later and find your story I was reading before... I haven't forgotten it, I just ended up clicking on other things. YOu have a lot of good stuff up.

You did everything well here- good pacing! You manage to raise questions, build tension, and answer some of those questions all within a short piece.

You painted a picture here, knowing just what needs to be said and what will automatically be filled in.

I love the way you handled the age... Of course most people will think he's there to meet a former lover, then you casually mention "sixteen years ago" and "she'd be turning 21". So now you've just thrown off any ideas about how the story is going to be. You also show that this is something that will hold a lot of surprises, and you deliver later as you keep adding more and more details.

You leave enough mystery to make the reader want to continue, but don't make the mistake of being too subtle (and therefore confusing).

FYI- I came back to read your continuation, but found you had abandoned this work. That's ok. I looked forward to reading more, but it works as a stand alone very well. I'm a bit disappointed, but I can see why you allocate your resources to more involved endeavors.

Constructive cricism is never "degrading". There will always be mutliple opinions concerning any work. The author should use his or her best judgement to grow as a writer, whether that means ignoring critique or using it.

There are some word craft issues in this piece that would catch the attention of most creative writing instructors. That doesn't mean no one will enjoy the story. Obviously you did, and it's great that you left your opinion saying so.

However, to ignore what I see as room for improvement would indeed be degrading. I see great differences between the editing in this piece and the editing in the published works I read. I'm not sure who the so-called "greatest writers" are. I'm sure it depends on who you ask.

The author of this piece received some very negative comments. I chose to give her some suggestions to grow rather than to leave a generic compliment that would salve her ego. I would not have left a comment at all, were it not for the negative responses. I think those people had some valid points, but I didn't think they got across to the author how her work might be improved.

As for "no mistakes"... using the word "deluded" instead of "diluted" is a mistake. I make such mistakes myself all the time, so I know one when I see it. A memory cannot be "deluded," as it is not a person. A memory can, however, be "diluted" or weakened, which is, of course, what the author meant. It's a trivial mistake, and not one that ruins the piece for me. It was just the first thing to jump out at me when I glanced back at the work.

I'm sure the author has the intellectual and emotional maturity to decide how she wants to handle feedback. No one grows or improves without getting a variety of honest opinions. If the etiquette for this site is "say you loved it or say nothing," then that leaves me with two choices- silence or dishonesty. On the other hand, if this is a community of mature individuals, then I have the opportunity to point out examples where I see a lot of potential, though not perfection.

As far as the content itself, it isn't final draft quality, but I don't think anyone here (myself included!!!) posts truly polished work.

You did a good job with characterization. The chronology was choppy, but that made it interesting. Very "artsy". I wouldn't say the style is pretentious, but definitely quite avante gaurde, literary fiction, not your paperback novel type writing.

The details (wordcraft) are what people called "pretentious". I wouldn't quite know how to put my finger on it, except that someone I knew explained (ad naseum) about how the overuse of modifiers (adjectives and adverbs) is a cardinal sin of prose.

What you have here really is good- but it could be told in about half as many words. If an adjective or adverb isn't vital to the sentence, remove it. If the sentence isn't vital to the paragraph, nix it.

I think the way you right is the absolute best way to write- long and wordy! Why is this the best? because it means you aren't wasting your time agonizing over every word. You're writing what comes naturally. That's the fastest way to get the job done.

The trade-off is that you will need to edit to make sure your work shines.

So keep doing EXACTLY what you're doing!

Then next time, before you post, go back and see what can be trimmed. It's like cleaning out your closet or deciding what to spend your money on. It's about paring down to essentials.

No one said you lack talent; they just had a little bit of trouble articulating how you could make the talent you have work the best it can.

Good luck, and don't get discouraged.

I think you'd have gotten a better response had you posted this in smaller sections. (What people here consider a "chapter" is rarely as long as a typical book chapter). Keep in mind we're talking web readers here... People expect to read something about the length of a news story. Not saying they lack sophistication as readers, just that that is what we all expect on the web. I mention that because you obviously put a lot of work into this, and you'll earn more revenues and have happier readers if you present your work in smaller pieces next time.

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments! Very kind, and very motivating. You made my day today :) (Sad, I know.) It's really nice of you to take the time to read and say something meaningful... I need to do more of that myself. I actually didn't know about the name Caleb... so it's an interesting coincidence. The character is rather canine in a lot of ways... stubborn, loyal, friendly. It's kind of ironic that I chose that for the cat guy, but I'll leave it. It's funny. (My husband is a cat guy, which is why I made Caleb a little boy instead of a girl. It's so cute seeing my husband snuggling with our four kitties or being followed by our adoring tomcat :) )

Oh, the cuteness! It burns like the blistering sun of a summer afternoon on the pallid skin of a net addict forced to make that hated trek to the mailbox.

Your device of having something that starts out looking sinister reveal itself mundane works perfectly- very funny! Good character voice and pacing.

It would be interesting to see you craft a novel with various perspectives. Juxtaposing something like this with some of your darker chracters would be jarring and edgy... if you could convince someone to publish something original (which is hard), it would probably be a hit.

Wow, I just realized I wrote a veritable dissertation. Don't mind me- I have no life.

This is an interesting character piece. For some reason, the image of the broken picture and the girl screaming about church was really striking, surreal.

I loved this line:
"Besides, would you rather spend eternity floating around with a bunch of angels signing bloated hymns and playing harps…or being sexually molested and tortured by demons?

No brainer for me.

S&M over American Idol any day."

I like the bit above because it's so absurdist and very needed. It shows the character doesn't take himself too seriously, which, to me, is very revealing. He starts to seem less like Tyler (who had a cogent philosophy) and more like the "narrator" personality in Fight Club (I know, same guy, but different characters anyway.)

I do think you'd want to spread these flashbacks and musings out in a final draft of a novel. See, you start out with "I can be pretty bold when I have a gun in my hand," which is sheer genius, and the first section you wrote is... looking for a less cliched term than "riveting"... gloriously, mobidly compelling.

Your first section did EXACTLY what a beginning has to do,which is simply to raise questions. The idea is to give the reader questions to which he wants to know the answers, and you did that. "Who is this guy?" "Is he a psycho?" "Is he a hero?" "Is he actually helping people in an unconventional way?" "Is he following a philosophy I could relate to?" "Does he have any philosophy at all?" "What's his 'grand plan'?" "Is it for his own gain? The greater good? The greater evil?"

So you have all these questions flashing red in the reader's mind. You want to keep those clear and offer enough hints and insights to make the reader feel like he's "getting somewhere" or like you're "going somewhere", however you want to look at it.

The flashbacks/musings in this section are great, but when read back to back, they throw off the pace of your work. About halfway through, I start wondering how/if they'll fit into the story.

That's not a criticism, per se, just a suggestion that as you go, keep in mind that it might be a good idea to move some of these ideas into later sections. The stories about women, for example, would be good to spread out, will have more emotional impact if they recurr throughout the work.

I think you want to give the impression that this guy is always brooding, but brooding while he's doing stuff.

You're thinking like a screenwriter, with full-on flashbacks. But we're not watching this play out, we're in the guy's head, so to speak. So it makes more sense to have him associating things in the here and now with things in the past. Someone he talks to now reminds him of one of those memories, or maybe he actually gives an out-loud monologue spurred by some event.

If you're writing novel, you have more freedom than a screenwriter, less need for continuity, the ability to show the internal world of the mind without having to worry about set changes. Don't hesitate to use that freedom to your advantage :)

I used to teach juco, so I know I lecture. Honestly, I'm just telling it as I see it, and I hope other people do the same. Decide what advice you want to take. I'm not really a literary type anyway, so I don't claim to know about anything other than math, physical science, and options trading. I'm just throwing out ideas here, as a reader, not as an expert. A lot of people get touchy about that, so feel free to tell me if I'm being a pompous ****.

Thanks for the encouragemnet/motivation. You moved me to start writing in chronological order again (instead of whatever I feel like working on). So I have yet another installment posted.

You always have such good meaningful comments! That's unprecedented. Usually it's just, "I liked it it was good" or "it sucks, here's a long list of reasons why." I guess that's why most writers get discouraged. I mean, it's not like trading stock options where you make money or lose money and its pretty much the same either way. With anything creative/subjective, it's asymmetric, lots of psychological "risk" little reward.

What you're doing on this sight for people is really cool. I know you don't get much credit for it. Everybody loves the guy who volunteers at the high school or drives old lady's to church on Sunday. You never hear anyone praise all the people who "volunteer" online, making a difference in a lot of people's lives through cyberspace. But in my book, it's the same thing.

Hm.. that explains a lot. I think I mentioned about one of your other things that it would sound good read aloud. This one would too, with the right actor and the perfect timing, it just doesn't quite translate to silent reading as well.

You have the things that can't be taught, the details are just grunt work, a matter of learning to work within a certain format (short story, novel, screenplay, comic book...)

Hey, I just realized who you remind me of... there's this familiarity about your work, like I've read something with exactly the same vibe, and I just now thought of who it is...

Grant Morrison.

(That's about as high a complement as I can give, btw. Except maybe comparing someone to Chris Claremont or Joss Whedon, but it's a close thing either way.)

Whenever something is amusing for it's sheer twistedness, I'll say to my husband, "That's funny... in a Grant Morrison sort of way."

What you have here, by the way, is definitely in the spirit of Fight Club. The first section had that balance of poetry and violence down well.

I looked up some "memorable quotes" from Fight Club, and realized I forgot just how much of the time Tyler sounds like a college professor. The movie never felt didactic because there was this perfect ratio of violence/surreal goofiness/philosophy. Genius.

Anyway, if you can maintain that same balance in this story, it has just as much potential.

(And I love the idea of the main character looking like Ed Norton... I like the idea of revealing that about halfway through the book. Reading it, I'd build up a picture of this grisled tough guy with huge muscles and an equally huge beer belly. Then we find out he's a scrawny, weasely little guy.)

You broke at the right spot, I think. As far as timelines, I think you make it pretty clear that you're using creative chronology. It's not bad to move around in time as long as the reader isn't saying, "Oh, was that supposed to be a flashback or something?" after reading ten pages :)

Might want to hold back on revealing your premise though, if you can. You know, make the reader wonder what your guy is up to, not sure if he's a vigilante/philosopher tearing down the evils of modern life or just a sick freak who thinks he is. That's part of what made the first section so very compelling.

I think you'll be able to revise this very nicely.

This is an awesomely compelling premise. Sort of "Saw" meets "Pay it Forward".

It doesn't have quite the appeal of the first section, from a literary standpoint. You were rushed in writing this, in the mood to "get it done," yes?

It's not that this section is bad, just that it doesn't seem as inspired as some of your other stuff. It's kinda like it was a great idea you got in the middle of the night, but then you wrote it at 4 pm the next day with the phone ringing and a sink of full of dirty dishes staring you in the face. (I just say that because some of my stuff is flat for that type of reason. Curious if I'm right.)

Still, it really is a great premise. Loads of potential. I'm not trying to pick on this section so much as encourage you to take yourself a little more seriously, take an idea and develop it to its full potential. You deserve to give yourself a chance, right?

This is a fantastic story! I was torn between wanting to skim ahead to find out what was going on and wanting to pay rapt attention to drink in all the subtleties.

You have some good poetic language here. I like the line, "the sound of babies crying in southern drawls." It has a good meter, which actually enhances the image.

Your format, I must say, is a little distracting. I know you're going for clipped, fast-paced, the musings of a mind that flips through ideas like a jaded TV junkie flips through channels. The concept of what you're trying to do is good, you just took it to an exreme that detracts from your storyline.

Really though, with few tiny tweaks this would be very marketable.

Oh, and next time you write something this catchy, remember three words-

"first publication rights."

A lot of publishers won't touch your work if they can't have the first publication rights, which they can't if you've published here.

I think you should try sending some of your best work to a publisher. If you get a particular piece rejected a few times, put it up here and try to win some contest cash. (I take it you're not already doing that.)

Ok, that was my nagging fix for the day. I nag because I love :)

Thanks for the motivation. I actually put up some more today, though all of this has been thought through for months now. What can I say, the two or three cents a week just doesn't light a fire under me. It's nice to have an excuse to work on this (and the revenue isn't much of one), so thanks again.

I was shocked that this had preceeding chapters; I was actually going to compliment you on an excellent beginning :) I didn't read the preceeding ones, so I can't comment on them, I know this one is where you started. It provides just enough information to make it not-confusing, while leaving enough mystery to make it interesting. If this were the first chapter of a book, it would be compelling enough to impress an editor, I would think.

Good characterization; the details about watching re-runs, eating crackers etc. give the reader a glimpse of your character's personality without compromising the narrative or seeming "tacked on." This is, of course, because you actually understand perspective (unusual!).

Like the other chapter I commented on, this one would sound great read aloud, although it doesn't have the sing-song quality some of your work does. The tone and style you use here are fresh and interesting, but the verbiage doesn't get distracting... one could easily read a full-length book in this style. (Not that your other style is bad, just that it's appropriate to shorter pieces... kind of like a commercial versus a movie. What's entertaining for a minute is different than what's enjoyable for two hours. You seem to know which is which; that gives you much versatility.)

Good imagery throughout- well chosen, and all on the theme of violence (that's unusual! Most people have a hard time grasping the concept of context-appropriate metaphors and analogies). This piece has a lyric quality, a meter, like a freeverse poem. It works well for short pieces like this and makes them more memorable than they would be if written in more traditional prose. Very nice.

lol.. yeah, very different story. The other was good, so re-doing the adultery plotline seemed a bit redundant. Why reinvent the wheel, right?

Feel free to take off on this one... There are indeed many possibilities, so it'll be interesting to see what people do.

I do have more, just not on "paper" at the moment. There will be a veritable volly of verbage once I get time :)

You are sooooo right!

I had the dialogue all nicely broken up, and then (after publishing) realized that my formatting didn't all come through. I myself find it confusing, and I wrote it! (Sigh). I have since learned to check formatting, but quotes might still bet a good idea.

Hey, thanks for reading my ramblings. I am going to read some of your work as well when I get a chance to. I honestly am going on vacation, so I won't be doing much reading in the next week, but my intentions are honest :) I am sure I will find your work interesting since you seem to be one of the few people who "gets" mine.

Anyway, thanks again.

lol... thanks. That's very nice of you. I was actually shocked to see a comment here... this was a late-night rambling of mine, sort of a waking dream captured on the screen.

I'm actually quite touched that someone enjoyed what is basically an unfiltered stream of consciousness, the raw ore of my mind.

(Snifle) "You devious bastard"? That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I'm touched.

Seriously, I am.

Very well-written! It has a good pace and voice.

Ah, I'm not sure about that :) The original satire completely shocked me. It wasn't a tactic I would have considered for using in a contest... certainly not someting I would have thought would be popular. But it was so hilarious I just had to join the fun... I'd say I've been corrupted, but in truth I've merely found a venue for expressing my corruption. And perhaps corrupting others. That's always good.

Thanks. Yeah, I wouldn't have thought to do such a thing, but it seems to be the "thing to do" around here, so I figured I'd follow the trend. I've been really impressed with how easygoing people are on this site... no one is really nasty or malicious, so no one takes it that way when someone makes a joke. It's nice.

A very good point eloquently made. A plea for some sense of universal kinship, an unusal theme, and an important one.

What a wonderful piece of writing! That picture is truly sad. There are a few cruel people in the military who commit crimes agains the people in other countries. If they were here, they would be killing Americans. Bad people are bad no matter where you put them. It's a shame that the actions of the deranged few reflect on the entire military. One of my students had a son stationed on active duty. He said his unit found a huge stockpile of weapons and neutralized them. I don't know if there were any WMD's or not, but there are definitely terrorist storehouses all over, and a bunch of little weapons are as bad as one big one. You guys don't get the recognition you deserve in the media. Whether or not people think the war is a good idea, whether or not it's worth the cost you guys are paying, you deserve some thanks. Some of the nicest, most responsible people I've known are in the military. It's sad enough that they have to fight fanatics, that they have to deal with beaurocracy keeping them nearly paralyzed as they attempt to both wipe out the enemy and help the local civilians. That they do it thanklessly is unconscienable. Their politics blind them so much they cannot see strong character, cannot respect sincere courage and conviction.

I find it fascinating that the same people who hold those hateful signs about soldiers try to use the Bible to justify homophobia.

What good is faith in God, or in a political idea if it robs you of your faith in humanity? (Ask that of anyone who questions your worth as a soldier.)

Thanks. I was slightly worried I would offend people, but I think this is a very open minded group here, which is refeshing!

If you want to see my angel, I used the cutest picture of her as my Helium photo. (They asked for a pic, I resented it, I satirized them.)

http://www.helium.com/user/show/292994

Thanks! Rhyming is my mutant power. It's a lousy mutant power, as they go, but at least it's something. Thanks again for your beginning post, by the way. This contest wasn't really much fun until then, just another online writing, posting thing.

I absolutely love this idea! The short story "anthology" is a nice change from the tag team narratives. It's in interesting way to compete- lot's of fun. You made a huge contribution to the site with this post; it's a great springboard. I love the title too. I think perhaps I will start a copycat anthology, but know that I stole the idea from you. Theft is the sincerest form of flattery, after all.

Thanks :) I'm always entirely clueless as to what will pop out of my head, and this was certainly one of the more bizare results. I had fun with it though.

Thanks for the comments, guys. It's very vindicating. When I make jokes around my husband, he looks at me like the people at my old job used to, which is bad, becaue I was a math teacher. You know, kind of a "what the hell did you just say and what gave you the impression it was worth my time" kind of look. I think my dog thinks I'm funny, but she might just be trying to get biscuits, so I never quite trust her objectivity.

Thanks :) You made my day. I hope you enjoy the rest of what I have. There will probably be more when I get a chance to add to it.

Ah, well, I have all the chapters. But it may be interesting to see what people dream up from what's here. I don't want to close the door on doing the Amazon publishing thing just yet, but I may change my mind. Right now, I've been having fun adding odd things to other people's work :) This site pays better than Helium.com from what I can tell. I'm surprised, but the ad revenues seem to be very good. That's why I say I may change my mind about posting more of my own work. I was fortunate to find this place.

That's what the site is for, right? Taking things different directions :) I feel a little weird jumping into someone else's work, but it's kind of fun to take off on a springboard when I see something I like.

I know what you mean about having stuff if in mind, I have a novel sketched out, debating whether to post more here or not. I have the first four chapters, but very mixed feelings about seeing people mess with it, since of course I "know" how it ends.

Thanks, that's very kind. I actually didn't do a very good job of sticking to your style. I can't seem to put myself in your head :) Your work is unique and interesting. It caught my attention, so I wanted to add something though I knew it wouldn't quite fit.

You have a good style of prose here. This piece flows nicely and would sound good read outloud. It gives enough hints to keep things mysterious but not confusing- all the qualities of a good beginning. Keep up the good work.

oh, and more on topic, about the curse words...

it wouldn't be so bad if the censored words had the correct number of characters. You know, like seven stars for something like, "Why is this ******* ad banner in the way?" or four letters for "why the **** is that ad banner in the way?"

Honestly, I'm only teasing. I wouldn't normally curse at a fellow programmer over a bug, but I thought it made a nice point :)

um, I can't see the list of titles for the leading contest entries. I would really like to read the titles. The ad banner is right over them.

Is this some ignorance on my part? If so, please tell me what setting to change, and I will be duly embarassed.

Thanks. I'll be posting more as I get things "on paper" so to speak.

I like this very much. You could probably polish and tighten some, but those are things that can be worked on. The thing that can't be worked on- insight- is evident in this piece. It's honest and specific and real. You don't make the mistake of trying to be relatable by writing in meaningless generalities. That's unusual.

You're welcome :)

That's really sweet... I didn't know they were real, of course. That's kind of spooky if I got them right, isn't it? That makes an interesting story about your story.

Have fun with the rest of this work! I'm sure it will be a nice tribute to your friends.

I suppose it caught my imagination because I have a similar story, though my characters are quite fictional. It's on the same theme of loss. You might enjoy reading it if you have time.