want to participate?
login or register

Discussion of "Things to do" by RavenA

1 KarishaPrescott 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

i ws vrey distractod bye ah grate # o gramma-tickle 404s (errors). Won or too is fin butt whn their R tonz...it's khind of dsictractin 'n insalting. I maen, shore I am an insumniac that staies up 'til wee howrs of the morn'in but if I am spdneing tha thyme reeding yo'ur storie to giv Ya feeabdck...at least click the little 'spell check' button. (Made lots of 404's to be sarcastic, actually I had fun doing that. :) But the story itself was nice. I did like the emotion in the character, though not successful in the attempt to 'lure' me along with curiousity for the 'why lock the door' and 'who the heck is this person that keeps calling'. But I will be looking for the next chapter. Have a great weekend!

  hidden comment from KarishaPrescott with score of 1
1 hebe6405 8 years, 3 months ago Reply

This needs to be checked for typos. "Cause" and "because" are diffent words, and you needed "because."
I wasn't sure what was happening - I'm not sure how many times she answered the phone. It looked like she had hung up but was still talking at one point. Another time, she was talking again with no reason so she comes across as schitzo to me, talking to herself.

Also, I'm not sure why she called Sasha to see if she'd left her phone with him. It would seem to make more sense if she would have called the cell number first to see if she could find it in her own home - or if Sash would answer it.

I think if you took a little more time with this story, you could get it to come across better. As it is, the suspense I assumed you were trying to build only sounds paranoid.

  hidden comment from hebe6405 with score of 1
Add Comment