Discussion of "This Heart Is Beats, Beats For Only You" by Prancer17

Oh my God, I was reading the story with a smile until the end when i was shocked. What a sad ending awww!

Good write but your 'Is' in the title doesn't fit in with 'beats'.

Maybe it should have been 'Heart Beats'

But no worries! Lovely story! (But it had a sad ending lol)

I am too shy to post comments, but here goes, anyway. >_> Everything here is meant as constructive criticism. Please don't take it the wrong way.

I like this story, but I think it needs some work.

Proofread. Check your punctuation. Avoid run-on sentences.

Don't let the complexity of language get in the way of the ideas that you are trying to form in the reader's mind. Short, declarative sentences are good, in my opinion.

You are also suffering from the "a million synonyms for said" problem. Said is an invisible word. Use it when you need it. Don't tag the phrases at all when it is obvious who is speaking. He said, she said. People don't need to giggle or gasp phrases, usually. When they do, it takes the emphasis off the dialog and puts it on the action, which is not usually what you want in long passages of dialog, in my opinion.

I am fairly fond of this book, in regard to dialog (even though I suck at dialog, lolol):
http://www.amazon.com/Write-Great-Fiction-Gloria-Kempton/dp/1582972893/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1230418021&sr=1-9

Despite the above criticism, I to think you have the makings of a good story here. The emotional underpinning is there, but the technical side needs work. I strongly encourage you to do some editing, paying attention to the flow and focus, and repost. Make it short and poignant.

Drat, it deleted my linebreaks. >_> Lol.