The shrill chimes of the alarm clock beside me startled me back to my senses with a shudder. Karen reached in front of me and turned off the incessant noise.

“Sorry, babe….I meant to turn that off last night, before….well, you know…..”  She laughed lightly.  Her attempt at lightheartedness touched me and I turned towards her to grab and hold her tight to me.  She had always been my anchor, my strength; I loved her more than I could ever convey in words and at that moment, never wanted to let her go.

“I love you, too,” She whispered.  She must have read my thoughts.  “Are you up for today?” She asked. Before I could muddle through the question, she continued. 

“I know you said you wanted to go do something special today, but if you’re not feeling well, then whatever it is, it can wait.  You did clear your calendar for the next two weeks….there’s plenty of time…” 

I looked at her, puzzled as she ran her fingers through my hair, smiling as she awaited my answer.  What was she talking about?  I didn’t remember saying anything about doing anything special.  For that fact, I didn’t remember clearing my calendar, either.

In my head, as always, she prompted my memory.  “Don’t you remember? Last night?  You know, we were watching Shrek with the kids and you announced that we were going to do something fun today?”

Last night?  Shrek?  I felt my eyes widen in disbelief as forgotten moments flashed in front of me.  The drive home from the doctor’s office…..dinner….. the boys arguing over how to best construct the skateboard ramp I had promised to help them build….my daughter twirling around the living room in her new flower girl dress as my wife scolded her for taking it out.

I remembered the pain creeping up on me as the chaos unfolded as usual in the Holloman household.  The news story I was watching on television from the couch was drowned out by the noise and I staunchly got up and climbed the steps to my bedroom.  I stood next to my bed, and emptied the remaining Excedrin into my hand.  I walked to the bathroom and filled a glass with water and swallowed as I leaned onto the countertop, lowered my head and closed my eyes.

I remembered thinking I had to find a way to tell my family about my diagnosis….my pink slip from life.  I switched on the bathroom light and looked myself square in the eyes through the mirror.  It would not be easy, but I was not a coward.  I had to find a way to break it to them gently. 

 In an instant it came to me! I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and called my assistant, Samantha. 

“Sam, it’s me, Tony….I need you to do something for me.  Cancel all of my appointments for the next two weeks.  Get Jim to cover my clients.  I have some urgent business to take care of.”  I hung up the phone confidently to her squeaky, stressed questioning. I knew she could handle it.  I trusted her. 

I went to my closet and pulled out a few old duffle bags and tossed them on the floor beside me.  I scoured my belongings for the items I would need for the trip….jeans, T-shirts, shorts, jackets, a few old hats for fishing and camping….and carelessly shoved them into the bags, excitement growing in me for the adventure I wanted to create for my family.

 Karen made her way upstairs and peeped in the door.  “Its movie time,” She beckoned. I looked up from my task, beaming with pride.

“What’s all this for?”  She asked with a mischievous grin.

“It’s a surprise!” I told her.  “I’ll tell you all about it in a few minutes.  Come on!  Get your stuff packed, too!” I urged as I tossed her a bag, eager for her to join in.

“Tony, this can wait just a little while, can’t it?  The kids are finally settled down and the popcorn is getting cold….” She looked a little exasperated as she spoke.

I stood up and grabbed her hands excitedly to pull her towards me.  In my over- exuberance, we tumbled up against the hanging clothes and my old cowboy hat toppled out onto the floor at our feet. I laughed and grabbed it up, tilting it on my head.

“What’s wrong, little lady? “  I asked her comically.  “Afraid to spend some time on the town with a real cowboy?” 

She took the hat from me and placed it on her own head, turned and wiggled her hips as she walked to the door.  “After the movie,” She teased and motioned me to follow her with her finger.

I tossed a few more essentials into the bags and bounded down the stairs and out to the Explorer to toss them inside.  I opened the garage and hurried over to my sporting goods corner.  There were my fishing poles, tackle box, air riffles, tent, stakes, camping gear and hunting knives.  I hurriedly crammed the whole lot into the truck with my bags and closed everything up as Karen’s voice carried out over the darkening sky to get my **** back in the house.

The groans of dismay from my two youngest kids did not dampen my spirits as I pushed the pause button on the remote and interrupted the movie.

“Ladies and gentlemen….I have an announcement to make!” I proclaimed.  The young ones folded their arms and huffed and puffed and my wife and eldest son looked at each other and back at me with furrowed brows and crumpled lips. 

I flourished my arm in magician style and bowed. “As of tomorrow, there will be no more school and no more work for two weeks!”    The kids’ interest perked and eyes and mouths opened wide as they listened.

“We are taking a vacation!  Don’t ask me where, just get up in the morning and get packed, ‘cause this family is taking off for the time of their lives!” The cheers and clapping filled my soul with joy as I plopped down on the couch next to my wife, grinning from ear to ear, as I restarted the movie.

“Well, this calls for a celebration!”  Karen smiled cheerfully at me and offered to make me a drink.  She went to the kitchen and returned with two shot glasses and a bottle of Tequila, turning out the light with her elbow as she made her way back to the couch.

“So…..what’s this about?” She questioned as she handed me my first shot.

“It’s about life….about living!”  I had to stifle my excitement under hushed tones as Shrek blared on.  Karen was still wearing the cowboy hat as our glasses clinked together and we threw back the booze.

“I called Sam….I cleared my schedule….we’re good to go!”  I continued.

“Shhhhh!  Daddy!  I can’t hear Donkey!”  My daughter whined.  I smiled at her and zipped my lips with my fingers as she turned back to laugh at the delightful comedy. 

My wife poured me another shot and I sank deep into the couch to enjoy watching my family.  I knew my days were numbered and I wanted to capture every precious moment with them that I could.  No wallowing.  No self-pity.  I felt my body and mind ease into a comfort I hadn’t felt since the pain began.  Everything seemed much more calm and carefree as I tossed back another shot.  I looked over at my wife and smiled…she looked so sexy in her denim shorts and T-shirt…wearing that damned hat…….

“Toooooony……” My wife was nudging me awake. There was silence in the living room now, except for her voice.  She kissed my lips, my cheeks, my neck…..her breath was hot as she kissed me and I could taste the Tequila still lingering on her tongue as she straddled my lap.

“Wake up, Cowboy, and give me what I want….”  She pushed back off of my lap and turned away from me.  Her body writhed to a silent song as she dipped and swayed her luscious **** in front of my face, dropping further to grind on my leg.  Something deep inside me rushed to the surface and took control of me.  I stood up, almost knocking her over in my haste and haze as she caught the coffee table with her hands.

She turned her head and smiled…..”Give it to me…..”  She commanded.  I ripped open my jeans and shoved them to my knees….

“Babe?  What do you want to do?”  Karen was still waiting for my answer. I glanced at the clock expecting to see that an hour had gone by….but only a minute had passed.  And to my utter shock, what had seemed like days had been only a night time of sordid, confused and drunken dreams. Was it the tumor playing ticks on my mind?  I was sure it was, but the pills and the booze had to have had their effects, as well. 

I had to tell her about my visit to the doctor, the hallucinations or whatever they were….I had to come clean before this whole thing got out of hand.  I took her hands in mine and searched her eyes, hoping she would know what to say before I did.

“I have to talk to you,”  I hesitantly began.  I had never felt so unsure, so utterly useless, so deeply saddened.  I was going to lose her….lose my kids….lose my family….lose my life!  She listened silently as I continued. 

“Karen…..baby….look…..remember yesterday I had that doctor’s appointment?  You know… the one for my headaches?” She nodded slowly, not knowing what to expect.

“Well, they know why I’m getting them….”  Her face lit up in anticipation of good news and she started to babble away….

”That’s so good, baby!  What do they want you to use for the pain?  I’ve been so worried about all of these pills you take…that many can’t be good for you!  What do they have to help?” 

I looked her straight in the eyes, shaking my head slowly.

“Why are you shaking your head, Tony?”  The excitement in her voice turned to solemn fear almost instantly. I swallowed hard and the words spilled out before I could soften them. 

“I have a tumor, Karen….a tumor….”  I watched her expression sullen as the words sank in.

“I…I don’t understand, Tony…wha…what are you trying to tell me?”  Her lovely lips trembled and her eyes filled with tears.  I tried not to stumble over my thoughts as I laid it out for her, holding back the urge to cry, myself.

“It’s called an Astrocytoma Tumor, Karen.  Radiation therapy can’t help me.  Surgery isn’t promising….”  I sounded almost text book as I continued, watching the tears spilling over her flushed cheeks. 

“Karen….they gave me thirty days….I’m dying.”

It was over.  I told her what she needed to know.  The sound of anguished sobs poured out of her as she embraced me with a passion that only I knew.  I felt her heaving chest against mine and gave into my own despair, crying with her. I felt a wave of relief crash over me as we embraced each other in the morning light….two souls, brought together and ripped apart by destiny. I was grateful to have her….my love, my lover, mother of my children, my soul mate.

“We have to tell the children….our families…..”  She pulled back and lovingly looked into my eyes, kissing my lips in-between muffled sobs.  She wiped my tears with her fingers as I nodded in agreement.  We pulled ourselves together in silence as she took my hand and lead me to the shower.  The water was hot against my skin as we held each other, allowing it to flow over us, hoping it would wash away the fear and the desperate sadness and insanity of it all.

The voices of our children beginning to argue downstairs rushed up the staircase as I toweled off and began to somberly dress myself for the day.  The two of us moved about on auto-drive stopping every now and then to embrace again. 

Karen sat on the bed and took her cell phone from her purse and dialed as I shaved.  “Hi, Sharon…this is Karen….are you and Big Tony up?” 

I slowed the strokes of the blade against my face….she had my mom on the line. 

“Tony and I are coming out there for a couple of days with the kids, is that okay?  Good.  No, everything is fine. We just want to see you…”  I looked at her and she blew me a kiss as she wrapped up the call to my parents.

“I’m going to head downstairs to feed the kids some cereal,” She told me, with a look that asked if I was going to be okay while she tended to the family.  I nodded understandingly and she walked away.

“Karen…wait!” I called after her.  I wiped the lather from my face and met her in front of the closet.  I cringed a little inside at the dream about the mild and bugs.

“I’m not in the mood for cereal…let’s go out for breakfast this morning, okay?”

She kissed me again…..Okay,” She agreed.“I’ll gather up the clan”.  One more hug and she was gone.

I stood in my room, alone, staring at our family picture hanging on the wall in front of me, wondering what the next twenty-nine days would bring.