Discussion of "Thou Shalt Not Kill" by Persephonie

Every time I pick up your stories I expect that the new one can't possibly live up to the last one, and every time, you prove me wrong. **** fantastic!

Wow. I'll be putting a critique up later, but I just had to say, you captured my attention and held it. I would buy this book in a second after reading this first chapter.

Wow is right! Persephonie this is simply amazing!

I really liked the story alot! I likened it to a story I wrote called "A monster in my dreams"
I really dig stories like this!
Great job Persephonie!
I gave you a 5

Persephonie...this is FANTASTIC!! Every story I've read from you has been better than the previous, but this...this is a gigantic leap over them all. I am awed and humbled by your display of imagination and tremendous writing skills in this chapter!

Brilliant story! Loved it.

Hi Persophonie! I too think this was a stunning affair. I’m voting you a five because I love your style and creativity. Your sentences are always well thought out and crafted beautifully. One of the other commenters mentioned how you seem to get better and better. I completely agree. Your writing skills shine here.
The story was also very intriguing. Whether you meant it or not, a storyline themed with the ‘TEN Commandments’ is brilliant for a ten chapter story.
Raves aside, I did find myself on information overload. Simply too much to absorb for one chapter. (Not too long mind you…but too much info.) My guess is that you designed this chapter specifically with the contest in mind. Knowing that if it won, this would be your last opportunity to affect its development you felt compelled to give too many details. Just a hunch.
I think you could completely remove the two middle history chapters. The first one begins with, “The dreams started coming to me…” and the last one ends with, “...being intrigued by the mysteries the mind held.”
I’m not saying they are bad. Not at all. Just that it was too much to cram into one single chapter. Remove them and the story consists of the dream sequence, which is phenomenal, her waking up, writing down the details, going to work and hearing the news story, getting to work and revealing her title, then the cliffhanger ending. The reader doesn’t need her back-story yet.
Anyway, just one mans opinion. Still loved it. Still voting a five. Because despite the overload I still think it is one of the most compelling chapters to MASH so far in this contest.

Apologies for misspelling Persephonie!

Thanks guys!! I appreciate everyone's comments! Yes, Dog, you hit the nail on the head. I figured, 10 week contest, 10 commandments, 10 chapters....so, there was a method to my madness on the information given. :)

Intense! Twenty other adjectives come to mind, but whenever I begin typing one, my fingers return to I-N-T-E-N-S-E. Your stories wrap me like a boa constrictor, consistently getting tighter until I have to remind myself to breathe. After devoting much of the last two months on October Chill chapters, I could use a break from the heavy religious horror. Not saying you didn't write it wonderfully, that's merely me temporarily losing my taste for donuts after eating nine dozen.

Dog mentions a valid point about spilling so many puzzle pieces out of the box. I enjoy being part of the creation process - even in subequent chapters by other writers - and too many details can limit a certain ownership component. Other writers prefer to have all the pieces up front so they can piece them together; I see both sides of that coin. (It has two heads? Friggin novelty magic store!)

Suggestion: levity? Not that the tone of this (or Alone, for that matter) should change, but an occasional breath might help me feel hope/regain life/see light/ease my guard before getting hit again. After completing one of your chapters, I feel drained from sustaining a focus for so long. Without a doubt, you own horror. But a clever twist of words or light analogy could help readers like me exhale.

Lastly, I really enjoyed the false witness against your neighbor. I'm sure a bulk of writers will be disappointed you already took don't commit adultry. Have no Gods before me and honor the Sabbath will be interesting to carry out.

I'd say something about knocking my socks off, but I'm too scared. (5)

What an interesting chapter!! You pull us in right away with a fantastic opening scene, and we're all wondering who this man is and why he's brutalizing this woman.

The sudden use of the first person point of view in the fourth or fifth paragraph, however, was very confusing. I found myself thinking that this was a third person p.o.v. story, and that we were going to follow the killer...and then an "I" is suddenly brought into the picture. A better introduction or transition to the "I" of the story would help.

The overall premise of the story is great--I want to know more about our main character, and I want to know if she'll be able to stop the killer.

Good work!

I tried to do that by describing how the character gets sucked into the victims reality. It was a very brief description because it happens so instantaniously...was hoping people would pick up on it, but I will consider expounding on that point in re-writes.

As always, I loved it. Kinda got a little confused but whats the point of a story if you don't have to think about it, eh. I like to make people think and open thier minds to new things, even the ubsurdist things. Your story got my creative juices flowing, so now I'm off to hunt a midget

Hey, Persephone! This is the best stuff I've read on Storymash, so far! Sounds like it could seriously turn into a novel.

In answer to some earlier comments:

I did overkill the information, but it was because I had high hopes of winning (lol) and did want to add as much as possible.
Some key factors were included that I felt would be essential if it were to be continued in the manner I hope for.
1-The fact that her dreams never lead her exactly to the right person or place is key. This leaves the plot wide open for a myriad of ideas.
2-The fact that she is "chosen" by the adulteress to witness the even before it happens means the whole scenario can be changed up...maybe she doesn't get killed because it get stopped in time...maybe they work as a team and get the killer and don him with the "thou shalt not kill" epitaph....lots of ideas in my head, but those are just a few.
3-the fact that she has experienced this phenominon for soooo long without positive results...maybe now everything is coming full circle
4-the fact that she has inherited the file of the first victim from another doctor...maybe all the new clients will come into contact with her via this...maybe she will convince some of their plight....maybe not...maybe she meets them in other ways or never at all.
As to Kat's comments, I switched up the 2nd person pov to the 1st person pov to emphasize how involved the processis...that the dreamer truley contects with her victims...that the events are so real and she is so involved that it seems that despite her fighting to keep her outside point of view, she is somehow forced to become the victim....to gain as much insight as possible.
Hope that wraps up some questions concerning my thought process. Hope you all enjoyed it! :)

I always get the "Too much information" clap thrown at me (told I'm too wordy and yes, on occasion, brevity is the soul of wit but this is not the case here - it's horror). I didn't think for one second there was too much info, Persephonie. I found it interesting, educational& affirming from a sensitive's point of view, neither did I find it confusing. It was a little too awful in its finely described slasher scene for my taste - I've outgrown gore. Seen enough of the real thing - been too close to it. No allure for me there, nevertheless, you pulled off a great story and the judges obviously agreed with me!

Yeah....I do tend to run off a bit, though...bur thanks!!! I am glad to know that there are others out there like me.

Some potential here, sure. But there's too much action without a character driving it. My reaction is to skip the dense, stage-direction paragraphs, and start reading where the dialogue starts.

So, Mag...can you please elaborate? My main character is the person having the dream..the whole story is from her pov (basically). I am not sure what you mean when you say there is no character driving the story.
the reason my opening is so "dense and stagelike" as you put it, is because it opens as a dream. I hoped to convey this by writing this way. Have any suggestions for me? If we skipped right to the dialogue, we would have just a brief opening...and my contention with such short works is that we don't really get to become vested in the character...which is something that drives me when I am reading. Also, we don't actually create a chapter...just a few opening lines. Maybe I have a very different idea about what SM is looking for? I can spout that kind of stuff off all day long.....let me know! :)

There's so much to take in. I have to say it read like thriller and was an amazing read. I was dissapointed when it ened. Great Work!

Descriptive language… intense.

Thanks so much to everyone who has read my story and commented. All feedback is appreciated! :)

I AM GLAD YOU INVITED ME TO READ YOUR STORY. IT WAS FABULOUS! 5!!!

Hey, guys n gals....If anyone has a MySpace account and wants to visit mine, it's
www.myspace.com/angiequeenoftheworld

(Don't let the name scare ya....It's a nickname that caught on a long time ago...hee hee)

I think it would be great to have some friends from this site!!!!!!

Hope to see you there!

Persephone, clearly you got some more talent than a lot of other people on this site. Here's my constructive criticism. The story was a bit cliche, and somewhat obviously so right from the beginning. Therefore, I didn't make it through to the end. I would ask for more originality...that, coupled with your growing talent, and we've got a pretty decent story to look forward to. I haven't read the rest of your writing yet, but I am anticipating it. Nice to see your willing to get a bit more edgy with the creep factor as well. Thanks!

I loved your first chapter. Can't wait to read more.

Your intro is completely visceral, scary and impossible to stop reading. I love how you start with the dream as reality; it's quite gripping. I'd like to see some of the strength in the first part continue to the latter parts of your chapter. Great work!

I am glad someone picked up on that....I presented the story this way for a reason...I wanted readers to get the feel that the dreams are intense, involving, captivating, that she is unable to be distracted from them, while her normal day -to -day life is less than exciting...just hum drum...it's the dreams that seperate her from the normalcy of her existance. :)

Another wonderful story....simply genius.

I loved the snap into first person, it only took a second to catch what happened, and there simply aren't that many chances to effectively change POV, so I appreciated your ability to do so while actually enhancing the story.

I am not a "horror" genre person, so to hold me to the end is a respectable accomplishment from my tiny perspective!

Sadly, I have a bit of an editor built into me, (and I dislike him) so I couldn't help noticing the word captures’ in the place of captors' in the 3rd paragraph - I truly believe this is not something for an author to worry about, it is an editor 'thing' and naturally he had to point it out...

There is a nit that took me out of the story briefly, only because it didn't seem like the appropriate place (imo) to play with words... "trembled tremendously" in paragraph 6 took me out of the moment. (Gad, that Leonid just can't appreciate art when he sees it).

How about something with a touch more meat? Why did the news reporter make such a big thing out of finding Nona's body, weren't there 9 others in the same cave? (Paragraph 7).

Yes it is easier to critique an excellent work than it is to write one, but I genuinely want someone to tell me what they see in my work. Hopefully they see some hint of good, but I want to know all of the dirt too... even if it is just an opinion… so there ya have it!

Sincere congrats on winning round 1, well deserved!

Sadistic musings

Okay, I've been studying this story. Ignore the 'trite' and 'cliche' comments - substitute 'classic' and 'eternal'. You do a good job of making the reader wonder what is going on, and then the snap to 1st person is intense and gut-wrenching. Very horrifying, what goes on, and I think you carried it to the perfect depth of bloody description. You make what happens to the victim and the observer-drawn-into-the-victim's-reality painfully real, without going overboard or becoming at all gratuitous with the violence.

Sure, you crammed a lot of information into the chapter that under normal circumstances you would probably - not necessarily - have spread out more, but you did it in such a way that I, at least, didn't feel overloaded, just pounded with fear, which is a good thing. I'm going to have to try to write a chapter worthy of this work of art, just to stretch my muscles. Well, actually, I could easily write a chapter that could later be converted to work very well for one of my current in-progress novels. Thanks for this work of art. Sorry not to have anything usefully negative to say.

Um, Leonid, you missed the boat on one part of this. The murder we witness is in the future. Nona's body was the only one found, since the others seen in the dream haven't been killed yet. Although I admit I'm wondering a little bit about whether, since Nona's body has been found, will her 'sin' have to be reassigned so that the killer has a complete collection, or was the whole seeing the bodies of the others symbolic rather than literal?

All very good points, guys. Thanks for the critical eye (the more, the better). Read some of my earlier replies and youwill get an idea about where I hoped to go with the murders....of course, take it any way your heart desires! :)

I just wanted to say that this story is amazing. I was staring at the screen with my mouth open for most of it. To get someone to do that, to react to a story, shows the mark of a great writer. Good Job.

okay now for my question. I'm confused with the whole killings thing. In the story we see Nona being tortured and all of that. It says in paragraph seven that she sees all the nine other girls. Then the reporter only reports about one body being found, Nona's. I know she sees the murder of Nona in the future but then the reporter says she is dead which means the main character can do nothing to save her. Its already happened. Which leads (evidence from paragraph seven) to the fact that everyone else must be dead because before Nona died she saw them all. Do I have that right? Or am I missing something? I just don't want to write something that contradicts the first chapter.

In the opening dream sequence, Nona is not the one who is being killed. It is the "adulteress". When the doctor is in the body of the adulteress, she sees nine other bodies that have already "been killed". At the end of the stroy, the news reports the first murder, that of Nona. Now, you can decide who gets the ax next, so to speak. In reality, the audulteress is alive....she is the last of the murders, and there are 8 in between. Does that make sense? Maybe she doesn't even have to die if the doctor gets to her before it actually happens.

I just found out that I won round 1!!! Wow!!! thanks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to everyone who read and rated my story! I will read each additional installation and comment on them all. Good luck to you!!!! Angie AKA Persephonie

ooohhh...thanks. I completely missed that lol. Congrats on the win. It really is a great story.

THANKS!

congratulations on your win. You talents really shows...

I view you website as well. You are an interesting person. when time permits I will get more in depth.

Hey, guys! Please vote for your own chapters! I have noticed that quite a few people don't seem to. Have faith in your works and rate yourself accordingly! Already we have some intriging 2nd chapters! Keep up the good work!

Congrats on winning round one! This was an amazing story!!!!

thanks, again, to everyone for your congragulatory expressions! Keep the chapters coming! I love having things to read!

I loved your story and I think that it can go in a zillion directions. You are a gifted writer. I look forward to seeing your novel in paperback.

And now, for a little informational hindsight...(didn't want to give it away, before...)

Some of this story in based in truth. I actually DO have the kinds of dreams and experiences written about in this chapter.

I have never had an outlet for these things other than writing them in my journal and scaring my family and friends with my insights.

I think, that on some level, I hope to find an answer to the questions they pose in my life, and that's why I wrote a story based on them. :)

congrats, dear wife of mine!

Congrats! I finally got a chance to read your chapter. It's a wonderful story, and I hope you continue it for publication. Anyway, my wife is a bruja of sorts. If she dreams with dark/dirty water someone close dies or falls very ill. Other dreams mean other things. It's happened too many times to mock. Family members call her before making big decisions. She's spooky but I'll keep her. Congrats again and please continue this on your own.

Okay, this story gave me the shivers and I thought only Stephen King could do that! I read this late one night and my mind kept trying to tell me there was a pattern or something that I was supposed to be catching on to that I didn't. I like that! Usually, I catch on to the plot within a few paragraphs and then the rest of the story feels predictable and mundane. There is no possiblity for that here. I know your story was chosen for the contest but, I hope you keep writing it yourself. You got some kind of mystery going and I think you should finish it!

thanks...I actually have a few chapters in the can already. publishing, however, is another story. :(

GREAT, OUTSTANDING, By far the best story that I have ever read on here, 5 thumbs up way up, if not already, you need to write a novel!!!!!!!

Thanks, everyone, for continuing to comment on this one! I appreciate the feedback...and Wsells...thanks for sticking by your wife....we weirdos need love too!!! LOL

the very first chapter I've read on this site, and I loved it! enough to register and vote this 5 stars!

Thanks, Happy!!! Hope you find many more works of interest here! Glad to have you aboard!

HERE versus HEAR.

You need an editor and/or proofreader. I like what you wrote though.

Yeah...I caught that after several reads....I got really tired of reading my laborious piece! Can't edit it after it's "published", but I made the change in my hard copy some time ago.

I really enjoyed this piece. You captured my attention and held onto in for the whole chapter. I can see why you won. 5 stars from me.

The events described at the beginning are intensely captivating, even prior to discovering that it's a tantalizing dreamscape. The fact that you made her dreams so real and so frightening instantly ties your audience to the main character, and reminds us all of dreams we've felt we barely escaped, helping us relate to the character's intricate dilemma. Very involved, with sufficient descriptions as well as a quick paced plot. Nicely balanced.

I( read this again Persephonie and this is by far the best chapter that I have read here on storymash.

Truly outstanding....

I hope you will contribute to the HAC. You are a powerful force here.

This is a great piece of writing, the dark imagery in the beginning portion just add on to the overall suspenseful nature of the story, great great job.

I appreciate the continued feedback and the participation in the continuing of this storyline!!!! You are all so kind and wonderful to work with!!! I have been "out of the office" for a while attending to my family's needs...so please forgive my absence and lack of participation. I hope to be back in full swing, soon!!!! Love to all!!!! Please never stop writing!!!!

Persephonie, I just won round 6, yippee!!! and wanted to come back and express my appreciation and admiration for such an inspiring first chapter. You set a fine example for all of us.

I look forward to reading your installment with all of the others I have missed!!! No thanks should be given to me....take inspiration anywhere you can get it and run with it...and give yourself the kudos!!! :)

Great chapter, but Gypsum "minors" should've been "miners", unless it was a group of kids who found the bodies!