... I can hear you breathing.

... I can hear you drinking.

... I can hear you kissing.

... I can see the steam from your breath.

... I can smell your sweat.

I just flew in from Omaha and boy are my arms tired. I did push ups all the way during the flight.

I just flew in from Omaha and boy are my wings tired.

Boy is that joke tired.

My apartment is so small, I had to rent the place next door for my feet so I could sleep.

My apartment is so small I got Barbie and Ken for neighbors. And they want a bigger place.

My apartment is so small the mice only work part time.

My apartment is so small, I'm gonna install a hampster wheel instead of a treadmill.

My apartment is so small, I'm afraid to pound on the walls -- the box might tip over.

You know you're a redneck when ... you have a reddish tint to your neck. Dummy.

Good night folks - it's been fun - like that time I swam with sharks.

I had a blast! About four sticks of dynamite, I'd say.

I really enjoyed this. Almost as much as that time my head went through a plate glass window.

No, really.

And just to prove that I'm a nice guy. I'll charge you double this time, so you don't have to pay to get in next time!