Well, "speak" may not be accurate. It was, after all, a shadow. Its voice was.... well, if you can picture a sideways crab walking shadow who hates Suess bathware, then you should be able to at least jump, thought-wise, as far as the Grinch. A wispy, shadowy, thin, eerie facsimile of the Grinch.
"I see your fear, my dear, my dear,
and so I followed you out here!
You cannot run, you cannot hide,
you might as well go back inside!"
What little shreds of a tough exterior I may have had seemed to evaporate right then. An evil shadow is one thing. An evil shadow with a grudge against rare Dr. Seuss bath items is another. An evil Seuss-brush-hating shadow is mostly incomprehensible when it's accosting you in your own brightly lit yard. I tried to collect the splattered remnants of my brain.
"Uh. What do you want?"
The shadow instantly grew as big as my house, blocking out the sun and shaping itself into a horrid visage. It bellowed at me:
"Do not address me without rhyme!
I will not ask a second time!"
Jelly. That's pretty much what I felt I would see if I were to look into a mirror. I managed to find a single thread of my tough exterior - it was politely bowing and begging my pardon, but insisting that it had to be present at a major surgical procedure, elsewhere. I grabbed it by its skinny neck and mentally told it that it wasn't going anywhere. Then I gave the shadow another shot:
"You broke my bowl, destroyed my things,
and things is hard to get, by zings!
You must leave. You must go,
Before I give you the old heave-ho!!"
Okay. I'm not the good Doctor. Nor have I ever had any desire to be as poetical as he. But I really could not think of anything else at the moment.
"Not bad, beginner, not bad, I say!
But I'll return another day!
You'd best be prepared,
and ready for war
I'll be back for your blood
and to settle this score!!!"
Accompanied by an evil, hollow, wispy, thin, vaporous evil cackling, the Shadow slowly shrunk itself into a tiny fragment the size of a cat. Just before scampering off with its side-sliding crab walk, out popped the shadow of a hat, which it tipped at me.
"Good day for now, I'll soon return
And then your soul will burn, burn, burn!"
I stood there in shock for what seemed like hours, as the jelly tried to coagulate back into the former shape of my body. I slowly crept back into the house. I knew I had to clean up quite a mess.
I also knew I'd be studying every single line of rhyme that Dr. Seuss ever wrote. I had a feeling that would be my only defense.