Discussion of "The U-Turn Of The Soul" by OriginalSim

'I had greased the wheel of his jaw by paying for his first two beers.'

terrific line.
Very well written OS. Cool story line and plenty of room for a sweet mash!

I liked 'Boot His'n' instead of Buddhism. I can't wait to find out what Ted's secret is!

Thanks to both of you!

I can't wait to find out Ted's secret, either, so I'm hoping someone will take advantage of the 'plenty of room' and mash away!!!

LOL...well, truth be known, I cracked up at the "Boot His'n" line AND the "I had greased the wheel of his jaw by paying for his first two beers." I laugh because dogdeity11 mentioned the latter and honeygloom the former, too.
Great story and I join the ranks of those wanting to find out the secret....from OriginalSim or whomever mashes it.

As well writen as is possible...wow, what a great story. 5

Thanks writerwannabe and mari7789! I appreciate your comments and your kind words of encouragement!

OS –

Ran down a few of your chapters before stumbling upon this gem. If I may be so bold...

Opener: “Join me on this adventure: an adventure we all are part of.”

Weird. Obscure. It states the obvious. It’s like putting “read me” on the cover of a book or “follow this path” on a map which depicts only one route. Who says it? It doesn’t sound natural, and the grammar/wording confuses me even moreso. Huh? Off this, I’m iffy to continue, at best.

And this is what dog referred to – you can’t judge by the first line. Otherwise, I’d’ve never learned this was a drunk man’s rambling. Which justifies it – somewhat.

What if you used any of Tim’s other quotables in place of this one? “We must learn how to raise our hands, feed ourselves, walk, talk and pee in the toilet.” Now THERE is one beautiful non sequitur. That’s drunkbabble. And that hooked me. From that point forward, he offers some quality ‘whuzzat’ philosophy – move the car/tricycle line further down and scrap the original opener altogether. If you’re going for baffling alcohology (really? That’s not a religion?), by all means, go all out! There’s a certain Douglas Adams quality (reinforced by this chapter’s title) that comes through some of your writing, and I can reasonably say that he NEVER pulled a punch. Nor, in this instance, should you.

Hanger: I thought he was probably close [about discerning the soul’s U-Turn], but then I had the audacity to think I knew what Ted meant. I had assumed that Ted meant he 'turned around' by not sticking to the old, close-minded, passed down from generation to generation ideas and morals and superstitions.

Boy, was I wrong. And the truth almost destroyed Onionville.

Because I’m all about honesty (even at the expense of kindness), that didn’t make me want to read Chapter 2 at all. The last paragraph felt like a sticky-note where something more convoluted could’ve sealed the deal. You built up a faith and mindset and close with a throwaway. I love Onionville – dunno if an actual town by that name exists, but it’s genius. I enjoy Ted and Tim and the lead. But I don’t buy the hanger at all.

Maybe it’s the Hitchhiker thing again, where the Vogon ship was about to destroy earth. Maybe I’m drawing too many unintentional parallels. But it didn’t sell me.

Fortunately, your style did. I’ve not yet read chapter 2, but I thoroughly enjoy your style. In the interest of transparency, I voted for your chapter and I gave it a 4.

-- Nash

Wow! Thanks for the honest assessment! I admit, I was bummed as I read some of it, but then, after digesting it, realized that I'd rather have honesty than feigned kindness, and, although I've already used too many commas in this sentence, came to the conclusion that I agree with the assessments. Chapter 2 is worse, though.

But then again, this thing has hovered around a 4.5 to 4.9 for so long that I am confused as to why, when I feel I have better things in the low 4's and high 3's.

But then again, your discernment is probably with regards to a more 'salable' level...

Oh, anyway, I feel totally unworthy of the (to me) greatest compliment: that my style somehow is 'tinged' with Douglas Adamsesquities. ;o)