Discussion of "Showdown" by Norcia

OK, some comments--

First, what time period is this set in? The characters' names--Rex and Blackie--the smoke-filled room, phrases like "trampy-looking redhead," "the place was jumping," etc., all seem to set it pretty firmly within the film noir genre of the 1930's or 40's. Then you throw Tom Cruise at us.

So if it's meant to be contemporary, there's a disconnect there that stops the story while the reader tries to figure out what Tom is doing in a story set in the 40's.

And if it's a contemporary setting and Tom is not an anachronism, then there's still kind of a disconnect (to me, anyway) between him and the 40's tone of the rest of it.

In general, I'd avoid a reference to a real person anyway, because it forever dates the story to that time period no matter what else you do with it.

Otherwise, this is pretty good, I think. Nice beginning, nice ominous feeling, the narrator's conflict is well set up. Makes you want to read more. This is the goal of any story beginning--to make us readers want to go on.

Jazzfan, you're back! Thank you for your feedback. I didn't realize the story ssetting seemed like the 1940's. It is supposed to be set in the present time, in some dive bar in the city. That's why I threw in little details like the chipped ashtray, the neon lights outside the bar window, etc. Maybe it would be better to say the bartender had "a sexy smile," rather than refer to a specific actor's smile. And in order to better convey that it is set in the present time, I should have mentioned...say...that the men are wearing leather jackets and blue jeans, and the trampy redhead is wearing a tight mini-skirt. If I decide to continue it, then I will do that. I am glad you think the tone is ominous. That's what I was going for. I didn't want to give away too much in the first chapter. Thanks for taking the time to comment!

Blackie. Johnny. Rex. I’m not saying names like this don’t exist, but I concur with jazz that they evoke a noir atmosphere, complete with voiceover, staccato dialog and grey fedoras. I’d’ve preferred a full sellout, committing to the time period. But you indicated it’s a present story. I’m not buying it. The bar isn’t dive-y enough. The characters aren’t gritty enough. The setup isn’t bleak enough. I’m not sure whether to be regretful or appreciative toward its short length.

Your camera isn’t focused. That’s not to say it’s blurry, but the lens doesn’t know what it’s trying to capture. Instead of sharp details (i.e., Blackie’s goatee was unnaturally black; I assumed he kept his head shaved because it would have used too much shoe polish), you use broad brushstrokes (i.e., This ugly world was a place where no one could trust anyone anymore. I had learned that lesson the hard way). Always show. Rarely tell. You’re telling. If I look at a photograph, I want to follow whatever my eyes are interested in. I do not want to be told to look at the guy holding up the big fish. Make the big fish compelling. Make the guy even moreso. Details, details, details! (Note: that does _not_ mean adjectives, adjectives, adjectives.) Don’t tell me his eyes were “creepy.” Don’t tell me the redhead was “trampy looking.” “Emphatic and ominous?” Superfluous words. “Thud” suffices. More importantly, there’s no reason for Johnny to inform me what other characters are or should be thinking or doing. Show me intrigue and mystery. Don’t tell me about it.

“Showdown” is a title preparing for one of the most suspenseful moments known to man. At a showdown, one guy dies. I sense the concept of suspense, but I don’t feel any concern yet. Johnny and Rex have no depth or dimension – yet. And I’m not inspired to read a second chapter like this to find out if they will.

You have the barebones of something interesting. There’s a dangerous, [hopefully] threatening deal on the table with a shady character. Rex, Johnny’s sidekick, fears for his safety. Give me that danger. Give me palpable fear and stakes that are worth the risk. Otherwise, gimme a break.

(Yeah, I’m an Ancient. And I call ‘em like I see ‘em.)

-- Nash

Thank you for your in-depth commentary. That's what I was hoping for. I will see what I can do with this.