How do you outrun, Fate? I ask myself. I’ve been running for years and now, Fate has cornered me. Sweat breaks out on my forehead as I hear her approaching. The tall wall looms over me, caging me. I whimper as I turn to face her. She smiles knowingly at me and suddenly…suddenly I’m not myself. I whimper again as I think of the terrors to come. My schizophrenic-self becomes me and I float above, watching the horror of it all. Schizophrenic-me starts swinging, screaming…crying. Fate leaves, laughing at the old-new me. I know something has changed. Fate maybe?           

Sounds echo like in a cave. Thoughts bound across my empty mind like a playful dog, driving me insane. A man comes into view. I see Fate get into her Mercedes and drive off. Destiny introduces himself as I cower under his scrutiny and plans. I look at my hands and see I am back. Normal-me has returned and is going to protect me. Relief floods my veins. I glance at Destiny and see him looking at me with an intensity I have never witnessed from a man before. To my absolute horror, I feel myself flush a deep red. Wait…I look down at myself. At schizophrenic-me! Destiny, thankfully, backs down without a fight.            

I know I can float. I’ve done it many times when my schizophrenic-self has taken over. I follow Destiny.            

We arrive at Hell’s Prison, flames burn my cheeks, but as always my body repairs its burns. My body always repairs itself. Death appears in her white cloak. I hear Destiny ordering Death to kill me. Silent tears fall down my cheeks as I float back to schizophrenic-me. I know she will kill Death also. I have seen her do it many times before.           

Death arrives shortly. ‘Will you ever cease?’ He asks irritably.           

A flash erupts the blackness…then Death drips through the cement to the flames in which he was made. A silence overcomes all. Suddenly…cries. Women, children, men all crying. Over what? I wonder. What do normal people cry about? I stop wondering as the cries fill me. I’m overflowing, falling. I am myself just in time to see Destiny approaching.           

‘Cry. Cry. Cry.’ He says in a hoarse whisper.           

Clouds…fluorescent lights. The ground is rushing up to meet me. I smile as my head hits the ground.            

I wake up under bright lights and a tiled ceiling. Everything is white. Even my pyjamas. I realize it was just a bad dream. Again. The same one, too. Ever since I entered this institution for people with multiple personalities I have had this one dream. I don’t want to sleep for fear of waking up with more doctors and nurses around me.            

I am eight years old, a mute. I cannot speak, which some doctors say is why I am schizophrenic. Three more years of whatever it is I am doing here and I will be a free soul. Three knocks on my door inform me that I have five minutes to get ready for my eighth therapy session. I like my therapy sessions. They teach me how to bring my two personalities to one healthy personality.            

Two nurses put me in my straight jacket and then I’m walking down the long corridor into the room where everything happens. I sit in my usual spot on the couch and cross my hands over my lap. Miss. Anderson appears from behind the door. I immediately see her sadness. It has been with her since the first time I met her. ‘Hello, Amy. How did you sleep?’ I motion to a picture of a sun on the wall. Good. I then point to my eyes and then make a sad face. ‘You are sad?’ she asks. I shake my head and point to her. ‘I am sad?’ she sounds surprised and I don’t know why. She has always looked sad. I go to her and kneel in front of her. I put my forehead on her two knees, which are crossed extra tightly. Take off my jacket. ‘If you promise to be good’ she says. I nod excitedly as she moves to take off my jacket.            

I reach out to touch her forehead. My forefinger and thumb over her eyes, I close my own. I look into her head and find the reason for her sadness. I open my eyes sharply and look at her sternly. She understands suddenly and removes my hand. I move to sit back on the couch. I take the notepad that is provided for me to write down what I wish to say. I begin to write.            

Miss. Anderson sits beside me as I put a period at the end of the last line. ‘Exactly’ she says. I write down, why? ‘Because it’s time I spread my wings and find new work. I’m sorry I have to leave you, but I must. You will have everyone else here to help you’ a tear falls down her cheek. A single tear. I take a tissue from the box on the table and hand it to her. ‘Thank you’ she chokes.            

I offer her a friendly smile and shrug my shoulders as if to say: spread your wings, I don’t care. But really, I do care. Out of all my therapists, I like her the best.            

‘Visiting hours are starting soon and from what I hear you have a visitor’ the news takes me by surprise and I put my hand over my heart. I rush out of the room but not before I give her a swift kiss on the cheek. ‘Go on’ Miss. Anderson urges.            

I sit down at one table the guard has motioned to. She’s smiling and I know she’s excited for me. The visitors start coming through the gates and I look to see which one of them is here for me. A man sits down across from me and for a moment we just stare at each other. I don’t know who he is. The man smiles. I smile back. The man smiles so hard he looks like a plastic Barbie. The man stops smiling instantly as if he read my mind.

He opens his mouth. His voice is a hoarse whisper. ‘Cry. Cry. Cry.’