All Comments by NeoShaolin47

What?

Ahhhh, I see. Thanks for clearing that up for me :)!

I've been really curious, What the heck is "Children Rank" and "Descendent Rank"?
NeoShaolin47

I really liked this. Your history of the universe is very colorful and spiritual, reminding me of something akin to an old Native American tale. Has very few writing errors, and is written with a smooth flow and enticing style. Well done! (Maybe there's more? I'd be curious to see if the moon-or fire-decides to have more power over earth, or maybe attack chicken-hehe.)
NeoShaolin47

Nice one, JD. I especially liked the comparison to black opals, really puts a clear picture in your head. I'm kind of curious to find out what this is. Reminds me of Carnage or Venom for some reason, like it's going to spread over her body like a suit. Ok, I'm really curious :). Great Job.
NeoShaolin47

Awesome! I'd really love for someone to mash something of mine :. Thank you!
NeoShaolin47

Hehehehe, thanks WWB, you treat me too well :)
NeoShaolin47

Hehehehe, the 10 min time limit kind of killed me :P. Am I allowed to continue it though? I was confused about that...
NeoShaolin47

I hoped So, thanks :) Honey!
NeoShaolin47

AWESOME, I love it! My cup of tea, definitely. Grim, morbid but with a touch of vengeance: Delicious. My only gripe is that it was a little choppy, btu that's a VERY small gripe. Well done!
NeoShaolin47

lol, nicotine for the win. Great chapter TBH :)!
NeoShaolin47

I feel very much the same way. It can be a burden at times, but hey, at least we're never bored, right :)?
NeoShaolin47

Wow congratulations! It is defenitely a huge achievement to recieve an award in any field, and I can't say that I'm suprised to hear this. Good job :).
NeoShaolin47

Oh crap! (Face palm-jaw cracks-ouch!) I completely forgot about that :P. Ok, ok, i'll get cracking on both that and the "Around the World" Chapters. Damn procrastinator I am (Speaking in the voice of the venerable Yoda...I am)
NeoShaolin47

Me too, sounds interesting. But I'm curious, is it supposed to be a story? or just random musings, like freewriting?
NeoShaolin47

What? A radio talk-show? Where!?

It irks the hell out of me, my friend. I know that I'm no perfect grammatical machine, but try to be even in text messages and the like. In my opinion, by never letting yourself "loose" with grammer you become a much better writer.

Hey everyone. I'd like to invite any-and every-one to critique my stories/chapters to the fullest. I very much appreciate the praise I get for most of them, but in reality I'm serious about becoming a professional writer in the future, and would be extremely thankful for harsh critiquing. I just don't have alot of, I guess, literary friends who will help me with this and discuss plot elements and grammar. A good conversation with the likes of anyone on here would greatly enhance my abilities :). Unfortunately, I dont have alot of copmuter time myself (Only bieng able to browse the interwebz at work), so I have a hard time doing the same, or I would. However, I would defenitely make an effort for anyone else who would like the same. Again i can't reiterate it enough: Help me out if you can, and dont be gentle. I'd rather be well kneaded than half-baked. Thank you everyone.
NeoShaolin47

Its a loose take on it, like he sells his sanity, hehehe. No, i guess no one reads faust anymore :). Thanks for the comment Honey!

Well hi there, Soviet! I thoroughly enjoyed this little snippet of insanity :)! The continuous talking to ones self, the dialogue of the fly and the use of repetition all add to make this eerily lifelike. Midway through, I was wondering if it was a cat though, hehehe. Nice job.
NeoShaolin47

Im not as harsh as Asfand, I think you have a very rich style, if only slightly confusing at times. Clean it up a bit, refine and revise, and I truly believe it would be a wonderful read. You have talent, just play with it a bit :).
NeoShaolin47

Wow, thats an AMZING sotry. And to think it's true... really horrifying. Your descriptions and simply vivid details make this such a good read its hardly right to just call it good. I hope your eyes got better :D. 5/5!
NeoShaolin47

lol

Will do WWB. Next is the last, and it'll be a shocker (I hope anyway, lol).
NeoShaolin47

THIS...SOUNDS...AWESOME! Demon cults and Shamans in Vegas? PLEASE CONTINUE SOON :).
NeoShaolin47

This sounds like a gem of an idea :)! Please do so.
NeoShaolin47

Hmmm, this has potential. Very mashable chapter :)!
NeoShaolin47

Hey there Kendle, really liked where you're taking this story. Very morbid and disturnig, my kind of punch :). A few constructive criticisms: Some of your sentences are fragmented and might be better if combined with others, forming more complex compound sentences. Also, I always gripe on people about this, make it longer :). I love your style thus far, and just want to see more :). Anyways, good branch-off, and welcome to SM. Hope to see more coming from you!
NeoShaolin47

Also published chapter two of Basement Noise. Sorry for the long wait, I'm as slow as a slug sometimes :). I'll try to be more consistent.
NeoShaolin47

Oops, meant to continue it. (Sigh) Sorry everyone :P.
NeoShaolin47

Finally finished chapter three of the Freerunner line. Check it out! :)
NeoShaolin47

That'd be cool with me :)

Sorry, it's coming along, just been busy lately. Plus, I only usually get the computer twice a week at work :P.

Let me at it :)!...please?

Hi there Amy. I was kind of like WWB. Give us some more sustenance! Draw us in :). As well, Welcome to SM.
NeoShaolin47

Lol, "Here's an open invite to critique or continue" Nice.

Yay! :)

Lol, well thanks :). I think i'll cut this one off soon, Still have alot of story to go :P!

I was wondering, can the item be fictional? Though, one with a written past.
NeoShaolin47

Yaaaay! Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I understand ALL of your remarks. I was'nt sure how to start the story, and after reading some Lovecraft, wanted to try and do something along the same lines. Good catch on the unintentionally, that didnt even cross my mind. And, well, I guess I just got impatient and did'nt want to write this huge chapter to get to the action, but I see the fallacy in this. Hrmmm, I'll defenitely try to add more of what you suggest into ch.2, spice it up a bit. Wow, are you an editor? I just love the feedback :)!! Sometimes it's hard to find these things in your own story, and im soo grateful for the critique!
NeoShaolin47

Whaa? I wasnt aware I had a spot in anything! Wow, my apologies if I misunderstood something. Please do e-mail me so I can get with the program :P.
NeoShaolin47

Hehe, wierd!

I don't quite understand why I got marked down for this comment...?

Wow, what do I have to do to get you to critique me like that? :). I want to write for a living as well! Do me, Do me!! hehehehe
NeoShaolin47

Hey, good for you! I work full time and try to write as much as I can, trying to go back to college as well :P. Just kinda fell into the mundane trap of monthly paychecks and-WHAM! there goes three years. Heheh, I admire your persistence!
NeoShaolin47

Oh OH! and before I forget, many of your smaller sentences can easily be combined with another, creating more compound/compound complex sentences instead of simple sentences. By all means don't do this all the time, just suggesting a few variations :).

I like the story, but as you've stated, you want constructive criticism. One thing in general which I think would be of value, and I have the same problem many times, is varying sentence openings. What I mean by this is that I notice a lot of your sentences open with pronouns, which can become very repetitive, and often leaves the desired actions dry. I suggest adding more gerunds, at least that's what I like to do :). Hope this can be of help.
NeoShaolin47

You'll have to write a lot more than that to get much, and you've got to wait for people to read them of course :)

Oooooh, most defenitely!!! :)
NeoShaolin47

Oh wow. just took a look at the Penny Dreadful stories. Think i'd be more suited to the horror, if such is possible. Intense gore is my forte, hehe, just read my Ch.2 of Freerunner :).
NeoShaolin47

Wow, truly awesome work! The sense of the purest unknowable and seething dread makes me want to jump for joy. Your description for Shan Tu Lek was perfect, and the reactions he inspires are very realistic. Bravo! All I have is a pitiful grammatical error: You repeated "he supposed that he should feel embarrassed for such a pratfall;" Twice, but it happens. I'll be awaiting Ch.2 (Hopefully!)
NeoShaolin47

Hey there Doc, loved the chapter. Your use of diction brings the story to life as well as the imagry. I like where this is going, especially with the cloak and dagger mindsets of the several heirarchies. I'll be waiting for Ch. 1 :).
NeoShaolin47

I promise it'll be good peoples :P!

Hrmmmm. Cant say i've ever tried, but that wouldnt stop me. Just know that I have a very... shall we say morbid(?), approach to most of my fiction. So if that could work, i'd be honored :).
NeoShaolin47

Thank you very much Katrina, I'll defenitely check it out :)!
NeoShaolin47

Hey, that would be sweet! Yeah, I was thinking about a "for Dummies" book, but all the ones i've bought on different subjects in recent years pretty much tell me what I already know :P. But basics is defenitely where I need to start. If you would'nt mind i'd really like to know what those other books are :), thank you!
NeoShaolin47

Just published the first chapter of "A Midnight Run at Wailing Face". Inspired by Lovecraft, trying that style. Check it out if you like that kinda stuff :).
NeoShaolin47

Lol, had a good laugh over this one. How very sad the life of a horny males' computer must be...
NeoShaolin47

I have no prior college training in writing fiction, so I was wondering if there are any good books out there on the topic. I know i've seen plenty of books devoted to this, but I am unsure as to which would be good choices. I dont want to go spending all of my time, which I could be writing with :), weeding out the good from the ugly. If anyone has had any luck on finding one, I'd be much obliged to hear from you! Thanks in advance :).
NeoShaolin47

I liked this alot :). The only thing that really threw me was the "Finite description". As it is right after everlasting, it at first didnt make much sense to me. Though after reading Aces' interpretation, I kinda get where it's going. I think it may have flowed better if it were something like, "Only as finite as the stars." Otherwise, really enjoyed it :).
NeoShaolin47

If you need an alternate, I have PLENTY of time to spare. :).
NeoShaolin47

I walk alot, bieng the security guard that I am, and find that I come up with the most eloquent sentences whilst patrolling. Yet, when I sit down at my post, it's like a window wiper flings all those beutiful raindrops to the road. My solution: keep a recording device on you, and whenever you have an idea, just speak it aloud. Later, listen to it and write down. This seems to work for me, hope it helps.
NeoShaolin47

I totally and completely agree with this. This is how I right ALL of my stories, basically. the only difference is that I write out a little outline of ideas for a plot, then just write like crazy. Usually, it's crap at first, but i view it just as in sculpting; Every great statue started as a lump of rock. You have to chisel at it to get the end result.

Oh boy, I feel a rant coming, issuing forth. All right, I agree with many of the previous commentors, and here's my take. Bieng myself young, 21, I feel I'm part of a new generation of readers, and generally know what's wanted by them. Im not saying im much like them anymore, for I have defenitely changed due to infrequent epiphanies, but i believe society is becoming lazier and lazier, as I have heard, and tend to bend towards the colloquial and anti-intellectual writings. Too saturated is this new generation with instant-this and instant-that, that they don't want to put down a book and pick up a dictionary if a word is too "Big". So, in essence, I believe creative writing has it's place for the few, but the mass wants easy reading with un-complex plots. A good example of this, I believe, is in Stephanie Meyers "Twilight". I tried to read it, but couldnt get past the dry, monotonous descriptives it barely portrays. Yet, it's read by millions. I say write what you enjoy, but if your goal is money, write what others enjoy. I believe a true sign of a profitable writer is how well they can adapt to their audiences' attention span. Whew, I probably just reiterated what others have said, but wanted to through a bone in, so there you go.
NeoShaolin47

I agree with Writerwannabe. I liked the way you used the gardening metaphor for the protagonists mothers' disapproval. It really set the mood. Hope you add more to this!
NeoShaolin47

Hi there Jrhomie! Like this little tidbit, just wished it was a little longer. I have a beagle, and must admit that they are the most lovable dogs :)! Good writing!
NeoShaolin47

Hmmm, I liked this very much. I cant say I'm a history buff to any sort of degree, but find the characters very, i guess, in character? lol. It is intrigueing, and i'll defenitely be keeping an eye out for chapter 2!
NeoShaolin47

Wow, I loved this opening Sav! Especially the foreboding scene at the onset, really sends your mind to far off places. really, REALLY hope you add more to this and dont just drop off!
NeoShaolin47

Oh I will, this was just a stream of concious tidbit that came ruching upon me after reading some Lovecraft, which may have a "slight" influence on this story :)...

"Blush" Thanks abound! I cant thank you all enough, it really helps encourage me to write more :)!! But I do like the constructive criticism Bean, and I agree, I can over-write very often. Be sure to check in a few days, ill have the conclusion up, and hopefully it will be worth the wait :). Thanks again everyone!
NeoShaolin47

Very, very good! But like the others, I agree that it was much too short. Though I could definitely see this turning into a great story.
NeoShaolin47

Great first mash Spookie. I like where this is going, especially adding the cryptic "Birthday present" touch. I hope he blows his dads' head off, hehehehe, what a sick bastard. My kind of story :)
NeoShaolin47

Thank you RedGreene, I'm really, REALLY glad you enjoyed it :)!! Sometimes I feel like I can be overly flamboyant in my dramatic visuals, but I find them to captivate readers if placed correctly. Keep readin, hopefully I'll suprise everyone with my finale :)
NeoShaolin47

Very good story Poo. Love the descriptions, the sense of urgency, and the overall reluctance of Carthas. Hope to see more :)!
NeoShaolin47

Thank you, it's really an honor :)! I defenitely intended for the mystery to be there, and dont worry, the final chapter will tie everything up! (Hehehehe, in more ways than one ;) )

Just published Ch.2 Of my Freerunner line, found under Beanpoles' "Profitibility of Undeath". Check it out, and hope you enjoy :)!
NeoShaolin47

Great chapter, love the visuals! I just cant get enough of this storyline, we need to make it an epicmash :)!!!!
NeoShaolin47

How would I go about doing this?

I love you. In a completely heterosexual way of course. That is all that I can say. PLEASE POST MORE ENTRIES!
NeoShaolin47

P.s. Where the F*CK do you live?? I need to hang out with people like you lol. 5/5 For real.

Ahhh lol, I noticed that after I posted the comment, stupid me, sorry :P. Like the backstory though, I'm thinking about adding a chapter and this helps flesh it out!
NeoShaolin47

This sounds alot like Beanpolewatsons' story...

Very interesting Mjm942, I'd like to see where you take this.
NeoShaolin47

Wow, very nice story there! Love the ironic humor and the vivid descriptions, they bring you right into the story. Also, I really liked the comparison to the apple pie, very grotesque :D.
NeoShaolin47

Hello, Neo's gf again. Just laughing at all of your word vomit. My opinion...Please, God, let it be a suicide note!

Hello. This is Neo's gf. I had heard a lot about a certain personality on SM who was sexist, ignorant, and so full of self-importance and pseudo-intellectual BS that he could barely sputter out the insults he so fervently clings to in order to feel better about himself. Imagine my surprise(Yeah, right..) when I opened "To My Nemesis", and discovered that instead of a story that was engaging and entertaining, a paragraph stared back at me that stunned me in its childishness. Not only do you delight in being the smartest person you know, but apparently you also have never experienced any interpersonal interaction, save for with your mother and the mentally challenged. Because someone disagrees with you(Or in this case, rates your dismally horrid attempts at philosophy the lowest score possible, and rightfully so), you either hide their unsatisfactory comments, or write a disgustingly sexist "rant". Do you think you're funny? Or smart? Or that you're winning friends and approval? Because you're not, and never will. I know that you will hide this comment, and I wasted my time writing it. And before you waste your time saying that this is really Neo and how could he have a gf, or that even if he does she's fat, ugly, and stupid(Which are no doubt the droll, pedestrian and utterly pointless insults you will no doubt hurl), save your breath. This comment is merely to tell you one thing: Even someone with no balls, a woman, has infinetely moe courage, intellect, and most of all "balls", than a pathetic insect like you. If you really want to seem impressve, don't hide this comment like a coward, and allow people to see an alternate view of your many sides. Your action will determine your character. Oh...and if you are looking for a nemesis, keep looking. No one would waste their energy hating a nearly brain dead moron...One just has to shake one's head in pity and move on.

Have you read any, I believe, Brian Green? Interesting stuff

Hehehe, yes, always good. I think i'm starting to understand you Everyperson. Sarcasm is often times hard to discern in prose, so I believe that I may have misjudged you in the past. Good bash here, by the way!
NeoShaolin47

Hehehe, sounds like he was inspired by "Left for Dead", if you ask me. Love zompocalypse (Really wish there'd be a contest for it :P) so im a little biased, but a very good story in my opinion. Only problem for me were the grammatical errors, but those are easily fixed. All in all, I cant wait to see where this goes!
NeoShaolin47

I dont think you need to press that button Synapto... I loved it!

Wow, what a wonderful little paragraph! Your use of diction, asonance and alliteration combine beautifully here!! The only downside I have is to the actual sentence structure. I believe that it would have been much smoother had it been typed poetically. But we all know how the wordprocessor on here can be :P. Other than that, good job, and cant wait to read more of your works!
NeoShaolin47

Loved it!!!!!!!

Hi there! Hmmmm,I liked your story here, but i'm still curious as to how YOU changed other peoples lives :). Loved the last paragraph, and completely agree. Id like to see more, see where this goes :D
NeoShaolin47

Wow, great stuff! Almost reminds me of a Monty Pythohn Narration, snapping off in seemingly unrelated events, but at the same time lending some backstory on the characters in which the story is soon to follow. Very good, loved it!
NeoShaolin47

Ummm... Interesting, yes. So Dave made up Christmas recently...? I Was just a little confused here. Also why christmasw meant so much just because he read a book, doesnt relly give a solid foundation for WHY that meant much to him. Despite my bias towards, uhhh, that faith, you're story isnt bad, I just think you should have maybe went into greater detail on why Dave was so imressionable.
NeoShaolin47

Hey, Welcome to SM! This was a good start for you. I found it a little dry in areas, maybe try to spice it up with the use of some metaphors or similes. Not too bad in the fragment or run-on department. A great story to Mash, not too much info, but an interesting, developing plot.
NeoShaolin47

Why am I arrogant? Because I dont agree with someone who insults their readers? Huh...

Wow, you have multiple accounts, am i right?

Wow, someones boosting this guy's score...

God damn you have good descriptions! Hate to sound like a broken record, but syntax is the only problem.
4 stars from me too, however
NeoShaolin47

Great Piece! Thoroughly enjoyed it :) Great dialogue, beautiful description, and as Synapto put it, an enjoyable whimsical atmosphere.
4.5/5
NeoShaolin47

Ummm, huh. Yup, must be true because you said it! Behind your silver lining is just dull lead. Enjoy your paranoia and arrogance.

Whoa ho ho!! Brutal! I Like!! love the atmosphere your story delivers, but again, the syntax stopped me from becoming completely engrossed. Also, don't describe every little detail to the tee; Leave some questions for the reader to ponder. Otherwise, great descriptive stuff.
NeoShaolin47

To be honest with you, I believe you have good intentions with this story, but lack some knowlege concerning syntax. Your descriptions and analogies, I thought, were very powerful. However, the run ons and overuse of the comma stopped me from bieng completely immersed in your story. Beside that it was very good.
NeoShaolin47

Wow...

Trust me Honeygloom, it's not as predictable as you might think

Vary nice story. Love the setup and the realization from the protagonist about her phony aspirations. Can't wait to see if Joey is really an honest, wholesome guy, or if he's a lunatic :). Keep up the good work!

NeoShaolin47

Great idea WWB! Love the mood, really sets it up for a dark second chapter. Can't wait to read more!

NeoShaolin47

You're right. He wouldnt do that, :P. i'll have to rehash that scene out a bit. Thanks for the comment, i'm a little nervous about posting, but you're boosting my confidence (Hehe). I've got another chapter in the works for this one, with a very nice twist :)! Hope you keep reading!

Thank you very much Writerwannabe! I'm definitel, still polishing this story up, and i'm very grateful for your thoughts. I can completely understand what you meant about the introduction; It's worded confusingly. I mean to show that the protagonist is in the office, which is ninety feet above the pavement. thanks for pointing that out :). I'll be writing more, this piece in itself is about three chapters. Hope you keep reading!

Your story made me think of a twisted version of flight of the bumble bee, but with words. Loved it, 4.0!

All I can say is wow! Didnt really make much sense, but whether this was your intention or not, I had a literal ROFL. Hilarious. Good work!!!
I had to give it a 4.0

Hey there, I like the story. It has some grammatical errors, well, it's not really a story as it is an acount. You should make it into a POV story, I think it would be better.

Good addage. Akin to Karma, eh? :)

I disagree, I found it very consuming, like I was right there with Marg, seeing and feeling his ambiance and thoughts. Very, VERY well done! I can honestly say that I can't WAIT for the next chapter, and I dont usually say that :P. Bravo, ShadowPen, I hope I can match that desriptive power someday in the future!
4.5/5 (Honestly one of the best on here that I've read so far, though I am a Sci-Fi reader mostly :D)

Very nice piece! It's very crime-noir, and I love atypical hero figures. Keep up the good work, hopefully we'll be seeing a chapter2!...?

Good work. Keeps me wondering the whole time through.

Hi everyone! Just found this site a few days ago, and i have to say, what a great concept! I'm a very creative person, but have yet to find a good outlet, and am hoping that this is the place to do it. I'm a late night Security Officer with plenty of time on my hands :), and love reading and writing about anything Sci-Fi or Fantasy, and definitely when it has an ironic twist! Bieng shy and a perfectionist, you probably wont see a story for a while, but i've got PLENTY of ideas floating inbetween my ears, so keep a lookout :).

P.s. Id love to hear constructive criticism whenever you have the chance, and i'll try to accomadate you with my two-cents as well. Happy writing!

NeoShaolin47