Discussion of "Prelude" by NateG

I must say, this 'Prelude', as you call it, is quite intriguing and fairly well-written. I especially enjoyed how you brought some of our modern phenomena into it. Well done.

This is well worded--it has a nice cadence to it. The subject matter, however, didn't do anything for me. It's another mythology creation story--how many of those are there? Too many to count. The Greeks, the Romans, the Egyptians, the Summarians, the abororiginal Australians and Africans, the natives of North, Central, and South America, the Celts, and the Norce tribes have all dealt with that subject matter extensively.
They bring up questions about the extent of their gods' omnipotence, they attribute human characteristics to their gods (such as greed, fury,fear etc), they grapple with the fate versus free will argument, and they all agree that human life is sacred, and our minds and spirits know no bounds blah blah blah. They have covered the entire spectrum of mythology creation, and I don't think putting a new spin on ancient stories makes for interesting literature.
I guess this crit sounds harsh, but I would like to see a word-smith such as yourself deal with something really original--you could blow people away.

It should be a very rare occasion when you comment on someone's subject matter, especially in a place like this. In all actuality, every story we read is a regurgitation, if not a complete remake, of a story that has come before it. How many stories have been written simply about two people falling in love? How many of them seem to have similar endings or communicate similar values/beliefs? Does that mean people should stop writing stories like that? No.
However, you didn't criticize him because he was mimicking a piece or pieces of literature, you criticized him for repeating a story similar to those of the religious beliefs of entire cultures as though the subject is not broad enough to echo; you just thought it was a bad idea to "put a new spin on ancient stories." Are you kidding me? "Lock up the Shakespeare. He's been done enough and anyone wanting to redo his works will be classified unoriginal and boring. Ignore the existence of classical figures like Herculeus and Jesus, because you're no longer allowed to right about them."
I don't care if someone is writing about a man cheating on his wife with a rock so long as he/she can convince me the story is real and not just some off the wall idea they stumbled upon.
Yes, you should try to write something new, I'm not saying you shouldn't. What I am saying is that it's not a bad thing if you can't, so long as you write it in a new way.
In the early stages of writing you should be focused more on things like defining your writing style. You can save your monumentally contemporary story for your first best seller.

Nate,
Yeah, I took philosophy 101 too. I know Jesus is just another form of Prometheus, blah, blah, blah. I have read the "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Mantenance", and I am aware that a popular theory out there revolves around the idea that every facet of Western literature, art, and music can trace its origins to Greek and Roman mythology. This is not a new concept for most of us.
So stop trying to lecture--it's boring me. Who are you to tell me what kind of comments I can make? I comment on whatever I feel like--if the author wants to ignore my comments, that's fine. If not, that's fine too.
Here on storymash, content is probably the most important thing to comment about. This is a collaborative site, so if the intitial chapter does not have an original concept, we are doomed to rehash the same old stuff that everybody has already read dozens of times.
And yes, Shakespeare is over done too. Memo to Mel Gibson: Hamlet did not use a damned two handed sword in the ill-fated sword fight. It was a foil.
Memo to Brad Pitt: The Trojan War Homer sung of lasted ten f-ing years, not two weeks.
Memo to Nate: if you want to keep rehashing and watering down the classics, be my guest. Go watch all the crap remake movies that Hollywood can't leave alone. How many times have they done "A Christmas Carrol"? Here's a few more titles in case you're not up to speed. Texas Chainsaw Masacre, The Birds, Cape Fear, Planet of the Apes, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Are you kidding me? The Grinch who Stole Christmas?!?!?
So what's my point? It's this: if you want want the same crap turn on the TV or go to Block Buster. If you want to challenge yourself and others with something dynamic and fresh, log on to storymash and write something that hasn't been done. There is a writer on here by the name of foxpamela. I think her work is more innovative and cutting edge than anything on bookshelves today. Check her out, challenge yourself to write a subsequent chapter. And never tell me I have to censor my comments. If you're into censorship, there's a big country way far to the East of us--I think it's called China. You can get your fill of it over there.

Um, I hope this comment wasn't directed at me?? I never called for censorship, in fact i think quite the opposite.

My comment was a response to Nate's comment--not NateG. If you're two different people, then it doesn't apply to you--just Nate.

All in the details isn't it ;) Yes, two different people

I'm going to have to agree here.

I love the writing, but there isn't anything to add to this. What is the story? What were you going for, here?

I feel like you wrote this without the expectation of people wanting to continue.

In order for us to collaborate with one another, we HAVE to create stories that can be continued.

You wrote a story about the lunar eclipse. To me, the possibilities of where this story can go are limited. If you read the stories that are linked to yours, it's almost as if they were written beforehand and then just slapped to this story.

I could begin by saying how "the Gods, aware of their first error, created XYZ people" but come on.

Agreed, hence why I haven't added to it, see my other stories...

I will.

Stavlocratz, thank you, though the subject matter is, as you say, nothing original, it was just a quick fable. It is probably one of the most extensively covered subject matter in the history of mankind, maybe second only to sex ;) I truly appreciate the frankness and the compliment. I'll endeavor to bring something fresh to the table.

I'm one to agree with Nate here. The story is excellent, subject matter included. All stories have elements in common [they're called archetypes], but that doesn't mean they're unoriginal. The story was well worded and had good emotional ties. Just because it's on a common subject doesn't mean it's not fresh.

To NateG, I liked your story. You have a good style and a good way with words. Ignore whats-his-name up there. You have talent. Keep writing.

By the way, if I hadn't known this was written by you but I'd heard the story, I would've assumed it was an actual belief on how the universe was created.

This story is so beautiful and it mirrors in one way the Judo/Christian creation story with its analysis of free will and the negative consequences that can bring to this world. But the forbidden romance between the moon and the sun echos so many romances of today....the romances that should but cannot be. I love this story. It is poetic, heartfelt, and intelligent.

You must be mistaken. It's not Judo/Christian--it's Kung Fu/Christian.

oops...Judeo

This is beautifully written. I am personally not a religious person, but the imagery is wonderful.

I really like the idea, use of language and cadence of Prelude. Might NatG be a musician, astronomer or mathematician? They're all the same! Whether you're discussing "The music of the spheres" of the Pythagoreans or modern string theory, our universe does have a musical component. Eclipses are a beautiful demonstration of this harmony. Saros cycles repeat every 17 years, lunar eclipses always preceed and follow solar eclipses by 2 weeks...

The "coincidence" of the size of the Sun and moon is one of the most convincing signs of a divine plan. If either the moon or Sun were a tiny bit closer, farther, smaller or bigger we would never witness the beauty of a total solar eclipse. As it is, this rare beauty only touches a given spot on earth about every 300 years.

And it happens, Prelude is also an ideal prelude for my story, The Day Nothing Happened (Lamento a niente)

I hope to publish it soon, but as it has been rotting in my head for a couple of decades, it's difficult to "publish" a "final" version.

Cheers! ;-)

I was really inspired by "Prelude," for a couple of reasons.
1) As I've seen some people have mentioned in your comments already, it is a very poetic creation myth. The language you use is basic, no “big words” or complicated phrases, so to speak, but yet you weave them into pretty sophisticated metaphors. Some typos, but whatever, right? ;)
2) I would love to see a second chapter that deals with something in your last paragraph (I haven’t read any of the “2nd chapters” yet, so forgive me if someone has already done this!)

I think it’s interesting that at the beginning of the paragraph, you say “forks that may lead to good or ill, and that not even they have the power to control free will once granted,” but you imply that everything will eventually converge onto one point, when you say “and truly become one unto another.” I think there is tons of opportunity with that one part that really caught my eye, where you could make all sorts of speculations about if free will is “really free” if everything really does “become one unto another.” The comments here point to a lot of math and music being woven in here, so I guess if someone wanted to take that turn, I could picture weaving calculus in there somewhere, where everything “approaches” a certain point/line, but never quite makes it. But in any case, I’m excited to read the many “second chapters here!”

Anyway, I thought it was a good read!