You never think you're going to need those little oxygen masks - that is until you really do. They always remind me of those phones we'd make in grade school. You know the ones I mean, plastic cups connected by a string. The ones where you'd sit three feet from one another and pretend like it's some sort of high tech device, where Jenny or Annie - the one who always picked her nose and wiped it on her dirty dress - would tell you about her dolls and you'd have to pretend you care. But really you just wanted to take that stupid little phone and rip it apart, and tell that dim-witted, nose-picking little brat that her dolls are **** fake, just like **** Santa Claus and the god damn Easter bunny. Only if you did that you know that fat-****, waste of flesh teacher is guaranteed going to call your parents, and next thing you know you'll end up with welts from a leather belt. Yeah, it's just like that. ****.
Sure as hell though, I needed one. They fell from the overhead compartment, and you just knew the flight attendants were all thinking to themselves - guess you shoulda listened to the safety seminar - smug bitches. Too bad I already knew how to use them. I've flown plenty times you ****. I knew that the freaking bag didn't have to be all the way inflated for oxygen to flow. Believe me I knew, and as soon as it fell I grabbed the **** and put it on.
The flight started out normal enough, standard taxi to the runway, standard screaming kids, standard thump as the landing gear was stowed - you know that always freaks out those sheltered people who are on their very first flight. You can see the fear in their eyes, but then they start looking around to see if anyone else is freaked, and they soon realize that everyone is carrying on, hell the businessman - who's a platinum member from over a million miles flown - next to them didn't even fold his newspaper. Then the annoying **** tilt their seat way back, as if they've done this all before. God, I don’t even know how I got involved in the 'people' business. I hated them all, always had.
The first sign of trouble came when we were diverted from our flight path. We were crossing the Rockies, which is always a bucking bronco fest - I make sure I never order a drink when we're going over the Rockies - and sure as hell the turbulence started.
I was sitting next one of those leggy blondes, mid to late thirties, one of those who wasted the entire prime of her life trying to be important to some corporation that didn't give a **** one way or another. Nice thing about those girls though is they'll buy you a drink and **** you until you can't **** anymore. Cougars, that's what we called them, because they were always on the prowl. I see them on every flight - too much make-up, but a great tit job. She was reading some magazine on something I could really care less about, but what I remembered was watching her **** bounce, yup, turbulence, definitely over the Rockies.
"Awright folks, I'm...uh...going to put the fasten seatbelt sign on, so please return to your seats. We...uh...have a bit of disturbed weather, but we're...uh...going to do our best to...uh...smooth out the ride"
I barely even heard the announcement. I was sitting there thinking that maybe I'd screw this chick later, once we landed in New York, there's nothing like a little turbulence to get one of these cougars all hot and heavy, not that it took much. Yup, she was definitely looking at me from the corner of her eye.
"A bit rough, eh?" I said, as if we hadn't both been in the same situation a million **** times.
"Excuse me?" she said, lifting the corner of perfectly plucked eyebrow. She definitely wanted to get laid the eyebrow raise always gives it away.
I started to speak, to move in, I mean it really was all inevitable, drinks by 7, panties off by 10. But I never even spat a single word. . The plane dropped suddenly, a good four seconds, and I mean a good four seconds - one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, four one thousand. You know how long that is when you're freefalling? When your guts are being forced up through your skull? It's a **** long time. I thought we were done right then, caput, write the obituary. But the fall stopped, we didn't look like we were any closer to the ground, the blonde was breathing short, rasping breaths.
"Sorry about that folks, we...uh...hit a big spot of turbulence, no need to be concerned."
We just dropped like ten thousand feet, there's drinks spread out around the cabin, peanuts on the carpet, and this **** **** of a captain is telling me I have nothing to be concerned about? **** that...Dick.
"We're...uh...going to go ahead and divert north, this…uh…storm system is a bit stronger than we...uh...anticipated. Please...uh...stay in your seats until we turn off the fasten seat belts sign. Once we...get clear of this weather it looks like a smooth ride to JFK, so…uh…just be patient."
Take a speech class ****, how many "uhs" can you fit in a sentence?
"Think we'll be delayed?" the cougar asked me, but I was past playing her game.
"I don't **** know." I spat, I never was good with people.
She just gave me that screw you look, and not the good kind, but the why don't you go crawl somewhere and die look. I couldn't care less though, she was a dime a dozen. The turbulence was getting stronger again, I could see the wingtips flexing - we were sliding sideways, down, up, all over the damn sky.
"Flight crew, please take your seats."
Aside from take-offs and landings that only happened when it was really rough, like dangerous rough. Like cowboy out on the range chasing cattle thieves rough. I could see the fear in the stewardess's eyes when she came shuffling past.
"****," I thought, "Just my freaking luck."
Then we hit another patch, just started dropping like a rock in a pond. That's when those stupid oxygen masks fell. You know how they say time stands still in a crisis; well it did, like molasses. I remember hearing alarms going off - insistent - the lights went out, then on, and those masks just fell. But it was like a slow motion fall - Hollywood blockbuster style. And cue - mask falls (zoom in). You never really believe you're going to need one, but sure as hell I grabbed it, put it on just like the diagram showed, and started breathing dry, cold air.
And we just kept falling. Falling and falling and falling.
