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Discussion of "A Vampired Werewolf - Prologue" by MoonlessNight


3 Ace 5 years, 6 months ago Reply

First and foremost, welcome to SM!

Now to the story. My first thought while reading this was, "Yay, a 15-year old who knows how to use a comma and start sentences with a capital letter!" That isn't meant to be a jab at your generation, but it's awfully nice to see, and definitely appreciated.

I think you definitely have a promising writing style. The way your characters interact is well described, but I think your dialogue needs a bit of work. I'm struggling to put my finger on exactly what makes it unbelievable to me, but nevertheless it should be easy for you to polish that up a bit. Spend time listening to how people around you talk to each other and try to incorporate the feel of smooth natural conversation into your writing. Also, your word choice was odd at times. You picked words and phrases that have a negative connotation to them-- such as "a smile plastered on her face"--that phrase makes your character appear insincere, or deceptive. The part where she yanked on his wrist also seemed a bit jarring--in the midst of a rather quiet, playful moment, she hauls off and violently tugs on his arm? Eh, maybe that's what you wanted, but as a reader it was odd.

I get the feeling that you have read "Twilight" and liked it. That's perfectly fine, but if you want to become a better writer, I suggest that you look to writers other than Stephanie Meyer to improve the things I mentioned above, especially the dialogue. I really found that her dialogue was quite clunky and unnatural. Enjoy her stories--but improve the technical aspects of your writing by learning from other authors who are stronger in those areas.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing and welcome again to SM!


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0 griotmama 5 years, 5 months ago Reply

Your writing was subtle and your description of small gestures and seemingly insignificant movements or actions were interesting and fairly precise. I suggest you include more vivid but subtle details when describing the interaction between the characters while speaking. Use the character descriptions of action, mannerisms, and movement to provide readers with insights about the characters instead of stating it explicitly in the dialogue. In other words, allude to slightly noticeable physical characteristics of werewolves and vampires in your descriptions, without being too explicit, to give readers a sense of who they are. I think you have a gift for hiding important details about the relationships of the characters involved under seemingly insignificant descriptions. Develop this more.

Great writing. It pulled me in.


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1 hebe6405 5 years, 5 months ago Reply

A simple, easy start... needs something more though.

[A young woman sat on the swing, moving back and forth gently with the wind.]
The comma isn't necessary in this sentence. It sounds like the start of a joke: A young woman walked into a bar and fell down. hahaha
The wind is nice for setting the ambiance of the scene. Turning the sentence around would give you a stronger start: The gentle evening breeze caressed the young woman who swayed on the swing.

[Her ink black hair was tied into a low ponytail, her grey eyes as bright as a winter's day.]
Nice descriptors.

[She sang softly to herself, "I'm strong, I live through the pain. I'll get through this day."]
A young woman, her hair, her eyes, she sang... leaves one feeling neutral - or like the beginning of a movie script, not a book.

Next paragraph:
[ A man walked up to her and took her hand, sitting on the swing beside her's. His light blond hair shone in the sunset, his pale green eyes were kind. He looked at her and smiled, "What are you doing out here, Mary?"]
Sentence construction and flow is becoming repetitive. {action comma description} Time to change things up.

Ace and Griotmama have good suggestions too.


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