All Comments by MisterSirMan

Nice description, but I can't believe someone who was feeling so much pain would be too tired to commit suicide.

You're making it better than where it started.

More details please. I know the word "dark" and what it implies, but please describe it from the character's experience. I know all teenagers feel dark.

A poem? Sounds more like a Top 40 hit to me.

Either way, it still needs puncuation, even if it is a poem.

Active cannon?

Why not themonuclear bomb?

Dirty bomb?

Just bomb?

Active cannon?

Not much going on here.

And stuff like this has to go: Like a thousand bouncy balls hitting a wall, all his questions rebounded back whence they came.

WOW!

You're really getting some conflict going on here. Nice to see many elements at play.

Like the others I think you're flowing well with the on-going story.

I appreciate you adding intrigue to the story, and your work toward connecting the dots.

Nice pick-up from the prior story, but I think it's a bit too blah. It needs to breathe. It needs to start going somewhere (minus the mysterious phone calls).

You're doing a great job flowing off the prior story. This string of chpters looks like it's going somewhere.

Lots of possibilities here. Good establishment of plot.

Nice set up, but there's a lot more you could have done to kick it off.

Nice set up, but there's a lot more you could have doen to kick it off.

Two major errors: (1) You referred to a movie to aid in your description of a mood; (2) You ended off with a scene ripped off from another movie.

Your details are good though, and that's what spared it from getting a one from me.

Overdose of punctuation, and it gets too deep for the depth it provides. It's good, but much fine tuning is needed.