Discussion of "The Notebook Diary: Chapter 1" by MiaMina

I think you have a great idea here, but I think it is a bit wordy, and you should reread and see what can be taken out because it really does take away from the story. Other than that, I thought it was very inventive, and I can't wait to read more.

If the whole world was lying around in a coma for six months, wouldn't everyone have starved?

--Or died from the radiation? After all, there would have been no one awake to either move them to safety or to feed them.

Aside from that, as nailah said, too wordy. And I know it's supposed to be a diary, but it reads as too coldly descriptive. Doesn't this narrator have any emotions? The narrator's too-detached voice just doesn't pull the reader "into" the story enough.

Still--a nice idea and nice premise. Just get us more involved by making us care about the narrator as a person.

Wordy = Heavy handed, labored and ultimately rambling. What may or may not be an interesting idea, is drowned out in the *tone* of the story. Not only is the narrator detached, but he-speaks-like-this. Reading this is the equivilant of listening to the same 4 chord riff being played over and over and over and over and over and over....... and over and over again. One star.

You should read the rest. It really does get much better. :o)

It seems like a good idea, its just quite wordy and such, but keep writing! :)

Ok, so everyone agrees that its a bit wordy. Well, I'd actually say that the excessive wordiness of the story was appropriate given the conditions of the plot. This is a diary entry, although it was less personal and more narrative, but I would hope that the continuing entries would employ a more personal voice.

Altogether, an interesting concept. Agree with the 6-month coma problem of how did anybody survive that long?

Even though this is a diary entry I think you could really engage the reader by having the writer of the diary tell their story rather than explain their situation. I think you may be trying too hard to explain everything at once. You have to let the details of the story explain for you; otherwise you lose your reader. Does that make sense?