over several years, i've had the same dream weekly.  i have never told anyone but i am choosing to tell strangers today.  this dream happens in different settings from my childhood house to my current bedroom.  even in unfamiliar homes.  this head trip suffocates me.

i'm usually sitting up,  thinking about everything that's disappointing in life.  truth, s h i t's not that bad, just overwhelming at times.  i have my head in my hands and my mind is completely cluttered.  suddenly, i smell burning flesh and feel my brain flowing out of my temple.  confused, i look up and see me.  me standing over me.  i've pulled the trigger, but i am continuing.  i take a breath.  i shoot again without a tremble, becoming weak and insufficient.  i am losing.  the third one enters.  i have lost.  three shots-to be certain that i am no longer here.  three bullets- to separate myself from this world, hoping the other one is comfortable enough for me.  i look down on me as i choke on the smoke from the weapon and i whisper 'feel better?' 

never knowing the aftermath, i awake from this dream and enter reality, i demand softly 'kill yourself.'