Discussion of "A lovers mind" by LsP14

really good
read mine ,
the game boy
then read next chapter of the game boy
and comment

rate mine
tell me the star
i rate you 3

Any reason for the 3?
I'm desperate to improve! ^.^

Hi there! Welcome to SM.
I liked your story, but felt the writing was stilted. It wasn't composed in a deliberate emotion, so it reads light and bit empty. Still a good effort, especially for 14. I didn't write that well at that age :) Your ideas and approach are original.

Hi! Thanks very much [=
Thanks for taking the time to read my work, too!
Regarding the feedback, are you saying that there wasn't enough emotional description?
And thanks! =] It wasn't that much thought out or planned. I have another piece that is more involved with emotion, but i wrote that when i was 12/13 :L
thankyou very much :') x

No problem! I'm happy to look at anything if you ask ;)

Not emotional description, no. I think you have that covered perfectly. I'm talking about the TONE of the story. It's written very lightly, almost as if you are vaguely recalling details. I think you need to be more confident in your writing voice, and open up even further, which I see you are trying to do. Also to improve further I would recommend more conflict in your story. Looking forward to your next piece!

Light :)

good story and liked the emotion.
keep writing wanna hear more :)

Thankyou very much - your comments are very much appreciated! (:
And I hope to write more of the story, I'm just really busy with exams at the moment! :O
I promise the next part before July! :L x