The story so far:
My mind clouds over; my sanity becomes dim. I feel the crush of disappointment, confusion, regret, rejection, and inadequacy bearing down. This tangled mass of negative emotion attempts to freeze me. If I don’t keep moving I will be a solid block of ice, unable to make a single simple decision.
This is not the time for analytical thought. Logic does not exist in the place I find myself now. I chant softly as if soothing a child, “Keep watching the thoughts and let them float away.” Even the most gruesome of thoughts holds no power when it is simply observed and left alone.
This is where the hunt becomes the most challenging. He dulls my thoughts and makes the illogical seem logical. If I fight to make sense of the nonsensical, I fall prey to his trap and give him the power he seeks. It has happened this way so many times before. The regret lies like cement upon my chest. The actions of my past appall me.
He motivates action with pain. The pain he inflicts I cannot put into words. All I can say is that the hurt penetrates so deeply into my soul that living no longer seems reasonable. It doesn’t matter; reason is meaningless here. The decision is made and I will not falter – One foot in front of the other; keep walking; the pain will not destroy you. I WILL BE HIS FOOL NO MORE!!