Confusion

The cars pass by without notice. I muse that I must be a ghost. The thought turns my stomach and I am suddenly so anxious that I want to vomit.  Can ghost vomit?

I don’t know but one thing is for sure. If I'm a ghost, then ghost can be cold. It's freezing out here. The wind is blowing and, ghost or not, I feel it cutting through my bloodied clothes right through to my bones.  My toes are already numb even though I’ve only been walking a few minutes. I feel the rush of every car that goes by. My hair is matted down with blood. My arms feel stiff and sore. My whole body aches. I’m dead. I shouldn’t feel pain. This is so wrong.

With every step I take I become more and more aware of every harsh sensation. The freezing wind, the stiff muscles, even my cuts and gashes begin to ooze with fresh blood. I have to get out of the cold. I need to clean myself up somehow. I feel so confused and exhaustion is wrapping me in a heavy wet blanket. I want to lie down and cry again but I keep going. My walk has turned into a clumsy sort of run but the ice under my feet goes unnoticed and so I do not slip.

I see a Conoco and cut through the snow laden grass to make a bee line for this refuge. As I approach, I notice there is one car at the pump and a slender woman of about 20 with short blonde hair is fueling her car. For an instant I’m afraid that I’ll frighten her and then I remember that she can’t see me.

I run to the side of the building where the bathroom is and pray that no one is inside. I reach for the handle and as I try to grasp the knob I realize that it won’t open for me. It feels like I have too much lotion on my hand and I can’t get a firm grip. What the Hell!?!?

All the terror and confusion of the night spills over me and I slide to the ground. I ignore the cold cement and the sounds of the highway and the woman getting gas. Everything fades away.  Even my pain slips away and all I feel now is despair.

Maybe an hour goes by before she appears to me. I’m really not sure. At first, I think she must be an angel.

‘Ooh, Child! You are a Mess; a sad, miserable, mess indeed!’

She is probably 5’ 8” a few inches taller than me. She has long, wavy auburn hair, and her warm brown eyes pity me like I’m road kill.

‘Hello?’ I say weakly. I still can’t think straight. I begin to sit up as I try to meet her firm gaze.

‘You haven’t been dead long, have you? Is this your first night?’ She is almost smiling now.

‘Uh, no; I mean, yes. I was in a car accident and…’ Damn it! Don’t cry!

She stoops down next to me and puts her hand gently on my face. I recoil and look at her in surprise.

‘I…I’m such a mess’ I stammer.

‘No worries, Young One. You won’t get any of your imaginary blood on me!’ She laughs a hearty laugh and I suddenly feel hopeful.

‘I’m so cold’ I shiver visibly.

‘Well, what on earth would you want to be cold for, Child? Warm up already!’ She has a big smile now.

‘I tried the handle. I can’t get in’ I say as I reach toward the bathroom door.

‘Yuck, Baby, there is nothing in there for you!’

‘But I’m so cold! And if I….’

‘Hold on, now, hold on! Listen, the only reason you’re cold is you think that you’re supposed to be cold.’

I question her with my eyes. ‘But I feel very cold! I’m freezing!’

‘Okay. Close your eyes a minute.’ I obey.

‘Now, think of a time when you were roasting. I mean HOT! Got it?’

‘Yes, okay.’ I say warily.

‘Where are you?’ She waits.

‘I’m in Cancun on the beach with my husband.’

‘Describe it to me.’

‘We are lying on our towels in the sand. I have sun glasses on and my eyes are closed and I can hear the ocean waves in front of me.’

‘And you are hot?’

‘Yes’ I stop and open my eyes.

‘I am hot.’ Now beads of sweat are flowing down my back. Hallelujah!