Discussion of "The Unknown - Chapter 2 : Dead on Wednesday" by Kingdom1990

Great ending! Very twisted, and in a good way. Your details often add a lot ('Questions shot through my mind like rockets') though sometimes they just feel unnecessary (like cataloguing her entire outfit). The dialogue was confusing at times - as a general rule, it's best to separate dialogue on different lines to make it clear when the speaker changes - especially if you don't always use dialogue tags (like 'he said'). I'm all for skipping the tags, but give each new speaker a new line so the reader can tell when someone different is speaking.
Your style of clarifying action after it's happened (cocoa joining shards of hardened clay, screams stopping because she was hit in the face) is interesting - it's a laid-back and almost humorous style, which I felt didn't exactly fit with the rest of the chapter. For instance, the last bit of her conversation with Jake (the paragraph starting with 'What makes you think I'm going to die?') felt very speedy - one sentence after another, rapid-fire - and then in the next paragraph, you included the line about the cocoa, which was an almost whiplash-inducing change of pace (I was startled by it enough to have to go back and read the paragraphs again). The urgency of the previous paragraph seems to demand more active descriptions (the crashing sound, the shards flying, etc) of the mug falling.
Now, don't be offended, but in all honesty, the scene in the cave got a little cheesy, in my opinion. Lines like, "It's cuttin time," and "instruments of death." The guy was pretty creepy at first, but you started losing me when he came in and saw her blindfold had slipped. I also wasn't entirely sure what happened to free her - did he let her chains free? Did they slip? How does a man accidentally stab himself in the back of the neck?
HOWEVER - I love the idea that Jake had been missing for a week, and he was somehow already dead when he was supposed to have visited Ms. B. You have some very creative ideas, and like I said, most of your details are spot-on for giving the reader a genuine feel of what's going on. I give it a 3.5 - good luck!

Wow, you really packed a lot into this chapter. On the whole, the idea and direction were great. There are, however, some parts that are disconcerting and distracting; so much so, that your basic premise doesn't come forward clearly.
- Small town, Mrs B one of few or the only teacher and she doesn't know Jake has been missing for a week?
- Mrs B, teacher, undercover FBI agent doesn't sound like the type that would seek solace in a beer at a sleazy bar.
- Her abductor didn't come across (to me) as valid or real and how did she get out of her bonds?
I've read some of your other postings and they are, for the most part, quite well done; in particular "Life Really Was Funny Chapter 2". This piece, though full of ideas and imagination, did not reach the level of your other work. Still...my vote is 3.0

Thank you for your comments! I was trying to take it in more of a supernatural way. The slipping out of the bonds was supposed to be yet another mystery, not something that she did herself. She got out because it was saturday and not monday, meaning she wasn't supposed to die that day. So because of that she is somehow automatically free.

Once again thanks for the comments. :)

Now, that's an interesting premise..."Saturday and not Monday...." Man, if you had clarified that, it would have made all the difference!!

So fun. The only thing that really irked me was that Jake's parents didn't know who she was. As his former teacher, they should have known, or there should have been a reason why they didn't.

But I really liked the going to the cave, and the mentioning of it supposedly being haunted - that made me feel like you could later tie in more weird unexplainable stuff. You've certainly given the next writer a lot to work with.

Great descriptions and feeling. It was quite the creepy chapter.
First problem, it was rather final for chapter two of a five chapter contest. There were some questions left open - how did she become free from the chains, for one - but not enough to fill three chapters. I was confused by the line "Shaking memories long gone from my mind, I [hopped] into my small yellow buggy, taking a trip to Jake's home and arriving within fifteen minutes." I'm assuming you're meaning car when you say buggy, but a car ride in a small town rarely lasts more than five minutes. Fifteen would indicate a larger town in my experience (I used to deliver pizza, so I may be looking at it a little too literally). The bar scene (as well as her choice of t-shirts for that matter) gave it a feel of "Teachers Gone Wild", though I suppose the first chapter didn't delve into her personality enough to cement it one way or another. Just doesn't have the feel of most teachers I know, though I doubt I know any who are undercover agents.
"I didn't mean to let go, Jack" brought back memories of Titanic. Not saying that's a bad thing, but it did.
There were some isses with paragraph structure and punctuation - needed a little more editing. I'd probably give it a 3 if it were ending the story, but as it feels like you've ended it less than halfway through, I'm going for 2.5.

Didn't vote on this one... I stopped reading when she was drugged at the bar and work up in some bsdm situation.

What I liked prior to this: I really liked the idea of Jake having run away from home. Wish I'd come up with that idea. I wouldn't have made it for the whole week though, just missing overnight would have been intense enough. AND, since she had been the last one to see him, that puts an interesting twist on things.

Not that we know A LOT about Ms. B from the first chapter, but my impression of her is that she wouldn't be shying away from searching for Jake. Having her escape to a bar feels cowardly.

My impression of the town is that it is a lot smaller than a 15 minute car ride to Jake's house - she's walking home from school with a detour through the cemetery when she sees him on a play-set... but that was just my impression...

Regarding the writing: every time a new person speaks, start a new paragraph.